S2: AITA: Happyish Holidays Edition

If the holidays make you want to tear your hair out or cry on the bathroom floor, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It’s a hard time for a lot of people, and still we have to force a smile and say through gritted teeth, “Happy Holidays!”

But the holidays aren’t always happy. Most of the time, all we can ask for is HappyISH Holidays.

In this episode, Nora McInerny and producer Marcel Malekebu dive into AITA stories of holidays gone wrong. You can play judge, jury, and executioner with them.

If you need a holiday survival guide, we’re sorry, this isn’t it. But it just might make you feel better about your holiday blunders!

_

Come see the Happyish Holidays Live Show: A Petty LIttle Christmas at The Parkway Theatre in Minneapolis on December 4th and 5th, or join the livestream on December 5th!

_

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… um, but is it really? The holiday season can be complicated. Sometimes instead of cozy nights with hot cocoa and meaningful moments, we get tears, ruined plans, and nights spent hiding in the bathroom at family parties. If the holiday season hasn’t always lived up to your expectations, join us for Happyish Holidays, a collection of holidays gone wrong presented by Terrible, Thanks for Asking. Happyish Holidays to you and yours!

 

Terrible, Thanks for Asking tells the real stories of real people who have lived through the terrible things in life. TTFA Anthologies are a curated collection of some of our best stories; released in seasons that focus on a specific topic. You can find our entire episode catalog ad-free on Apple+ or Patreon.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

---

I’m Nora McInerny.

And I’m Marcel Malekebu.

And this is Happyish Holidays 2024. Since 2016, we have been making an episode, I think we took one year off because I simply forgot to do it.

We have been making an episode every year called Happyish Holidays because we believe in lowering the bar and something that we know from our own personal experience and from working in emotional podcasting for several years is that the

happy-ish-ness of the holidays cannot be denied. This is a stressful time of year. It is one of my favorite times of year. And it is also when I have a regularly scheduled mental breakdown.

It’s triggering.

It’s a very triggering. And I feel like everyone has something going on this time of year. Like we, I don’t know where I was.

Like my grandma died or something like that during this time of year.

Something hilarious. Yeah.

Well, yeah, and it’s just like, if you’re from Minnesota, it is freezing cold here too a lot of times during this time. And it might be snowing, ice. Like you can’t even walk properly and then people are dying.

The sun sets at 9 a.m.

People are dying. It’s, you have one hour of daylight. It can be very cold.

And no matter where you live, as far as, you know, what side of the equator you’re on or how close you are to the Arctic Circle, it’s just, people are stressed. Road rage goes up, car accidents go up, you know, brawls at door buster sales all go up.

Although I think that’s probably less of a problem now than it was in the 90s. Thank you, Online Shopping, for at least alleviating some violence.

Tramplings.

Some tramplings, and I had a idea for this year’s episode, Marcel. I went through Reddit, which is not a place I haunt, okay? I don’t really understand Reddit.

It’s confusing to me. But I know of this area of Reddit, this subreddit called AITA, or M-I-V-A-Hole. I’m not going to say the word a hole because you know what?

My mother doesn’t like it. And she won’t listen to this episode, but I’m going to respect something about my mother that as a child I had a hard time respecting, and I am just going to edit that.

But nowhere is it more obvious that this is a stressful time of year than this specific subreddit. And I brought a selection. I brought a selection of stories.

I’m going to read you the first one. You can read me the next one. We’ll take turns because they are variations on a theme, which is like, is it just me or is this messed up?

Is what happened to me during the holiday season messed up or is it just me? And everybody thinks it’s just them. Everybody thinks that it’s just them who is maybe not having the holly jolly-est time of year.

But I’m here to tell you and remind you through this episode that it is not just you. So here we go, Marcel. The title is, Am I the A-hole for Ruining Christmas and Being Upset?

The Only Gifts I Got From My Family Were Joke Gifts. Some background. My family likes to play pranks with Christmas and birthday gifts.

It’s nothing new. I, female 21, as well as my five siblings, who range from 29 to 37 years old, have all been pranked on our birthdays and on Christmas. Usually it’s one or two gifts.

But this Christmas, I was the only person to get all joke gifts. I unwrapped a MacBook from my brother, and when I opened it, it was chocolate, which I don’t eat. The MacBook was given to my sister inside of a bag she wanted.

Another gift was what I thought was a book that I put on my Christmas list, but it was actually just the book cover put on a dictionary. When I asked my mom about the book, she told me she gave it to my sister-in-law without the dust jacket.

Okay? That’s like mean.

Wait, what was the point of doing that though? What was the point?

It’s like a joke? It’s a joke? Like, oh, you thought you got a MacBook?

I mean, giving it to the sister-in-law, that’s the confusing part.

Yeah.

This is weird. It’s just rude. I’m already on this person’s side.

You know what? This person is the youngest child, but this gives me middle child energy. I say that as a middle child.

This feels like something that would happen to a middle child. Okay. This kept going.

Each present my siblings or parents gave me. AirPods was just a charger block. Adapter?

Gift cards were used and had $0 balance. A card with monopoly money? This totaled 12 joke gifts.

I realized that I’d gone out of my way to get everyone something they wanted or that they would like and didn’t get anything. And she’s 21, so you know she’s broke too.

At this point, I was bummed, so I went to the living room to watch TV with my boyfriend. And at dinner, they were all talking about how much they loved their gifts.

And when my dad asked why I hadn’t said anything about mine, I said there wasn’t much to say. Everyone but my boyfriend laughed, and my mom said it was no big deal. Everyone else also got some joke gifts.

I told her every gift I got was a joke, and that the ones they got were also followed by a real gift. My dad told me I needed to relax. I’m making a big deal about it, and I’ll have next Christmas to get the stuff on my list.

Not wanting to go back and forth, I told my boyfriend, I wanted to leave, and we can spend the rest of Christmas break with his family and then go home. My family got mad and told me not to go and stay because it wasn’t serious.

I left and put my phone on Do Not Disturb during the drive. By the time we got to the boyfriend’s parents’ house, I had several missed calls and texts from them calling me names, like ungrateful, sensitive, and childish.

They said I ruined Christmas and made my parents upset because I left. The next day, I exchanged and opened gifts with my boyfriend and his family, and one of the gifts I had gotten was the book I wanted, the one my mom pretended to give me.

Yeah.

I posted on my Instagram story, and not even zero minutes after, my sister sent a screenshot of my story to the family group chat, and they basically got mad at me for leaving and telling me I ruined Christmas over some presents.

They told me I owe everyone, especially my parents, an apology because my mom spent New Year sad because of my actions. Now, I just want an outside party to tell me if I’m the a-hole here. Am I wrong for being upset?

Am I wrong for leaving? After reading their messages and sitting on this for a few days, I’m now feeling like maybe I was upset over nothing, and I need to apologize for them. A few clarifications, she came back and edited.

My Christmas list did not include expensive gifts. I wasn’t upset that I didn’t receive expensive gifts. I was just upset because I was pranked with everything and was the only person who didn’t get one real present.

I also didn’t do anything to deserve this. The last big argument I had was with my sister over a year and a half ago. So I think that clarifies.

I’m ready to make a judgment. I’m ready.

You’re ready?

This person is not the A-hole. This person is not the A-hole.

Yeah. I mean, I would need a little… I’d have a couple of questions about it.

She’s like, what possibly do you need to know?

What do I need to know?

Do you guys… I mean, if they play this game every year, I just want to know if they’ve ever done it to anyone else, or if she’s participated in only giving people…

No, she said at least… What it sounds like happened. This is the benefit of the doubt, right?

It is like everyone assumed someone else would get her a real gift and everyone chose to prank her at the same time, the same year, which is bad communication. That’s bad communication. And I am the sensitive child.

I also come from a family that was… Who veered into bullying pretty easily, which is kind of what this feels like, too.

Nora’s triggered.

I’m triggered. I am so triggered. Because I know what it’s like to leave.

Okay, I will leave.

I will leave a house.

I will leave a party. I will leave in a huff. I will leave with a flare.

And then I will feel bad and be like, wait, maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just me. But you’re 21 years old.

Everybody wants to feel seen and heard and known by their family. To get all joke gifts would hurt my feelings even at age 41.

Yeah.

But at 21, when Christmas might be the only time you ever get something from your parents once you’re an adult. Or as a kid, too, there are families where that’s the time we do gifts. You’re not going to get a random toy throughout the year.

You’re not going to get anything. It’s like Christmas and your birthday. And I think my feelings would also be very hurt if every gift was a joke.

And the book thing would especially hurt my feelings. And if I was sad and everyone in the family, including five older siblings, five older siblings, the closest one in age to her is eight years older than her.

So she is literally the baby of the family. If everyone was like, oh my God, lighten up. I am highly triggered by people being like, lighten up, come on, come on.

The thing too is like, yeah, when people, what stood out to me about this story is like, I was told a long time ago, like, if you say, if someone tells me I’m funny and I’m not trying to be, then that’s a sign of disrespect.

So to me, anytime you tell me, oh, you’re funny, that’s funny and I wasn’t trying to be funny. Now, granted, there are situations where you do something and you have to be able to look at yourself and laugh at yourself.

I’m the king of saying that to other people, like, hey, learn to laugh at yourself. You’re being ridiculous. Like, I hit my neighbor’s car this week.

I had to laugh at myself.

But he laughed at you first. Right.

He laughed at me first.

But I…

And that did make you feel weird.

So admit it.

That made you feel weird. You were like, am I a nerd? No.

When he laughed, I kind of like, I immediately was like, because he was…

They were laughing like, oh, you’re worried about this little thing. But I… It was…

There’s a legitimate scratch there, okay? Like, I didn’t explain this to you. No, there’s a pretty long scratch on this car.

You hit a car. And I grew up with some people who have nice cars, like Mercedes and stuff, and then they’re really, like, sensitive about their car. So I was thinking like, hey, that’s still someone else’s thing.

It’s a sign of respect to just say, hey, let me just… So, yeah, when they started laughing, I was like, I was like, oh, like, actually, I was relieved, you know, because I felt like, oh, they’re laughing. Like, it’s not a big deal.

Like, they’re laughing at the situation. I didn’t feel like it was at me. And then, but there is something to that where when someone’s like, oh, it couldn’t be me, like when someone’s like, oh, it couldn’t be me.

I’m like, first off, what do you mean by that? What do you mean it couldn’t be you? Yeah, it could be you.

And don’t make me make it you, okay? Don’t make me put you in a pickle, okay? And then have you have the…

So, but in this situation, it’s like, yeah, if I’m in a space where people are just laughing or any kind of subtle minimization of the seriousness of who I… Because to some degree, it’s not even seriousness.

It’s like, seriousness shows that you care enough to show that you care and be direct with your care. Like, joking is an indirect way to show that you care.

Hey, I’m poking fun at you so that I can build you up or make you laugh or make you feel better, but it’s still indirect. If I say, Nora, you’re my friend. I love you.

You’re a good person. That’s… I’d rather say you got a big forehead.

Hey, loser. Yeah, what’s up?

Put some deodorant on.

Right.

All things I’ve heard.

This is how you eat, like a gremlin, right? So it… But by noticing the minute details of who you are and making a joke out of it, it’s also showing, hey, I’m paying attention to detail.

I care about, you know, little things. And I’m also helping you with something, potentially, that could be an insecurity too, right? So, but I think in this situation, it’s like everybody takes you for the joke and you’re the baby.

No one thought like, hey, let me take it upon myself. I think that does say something about the collective of your whole family and how they think about you.

It does. And like, it’s just kind of like, to me, it’s mean.

Like, if your mom got you only, like, gave the book you wanted to your sister-in-law, but took the time to take the dust jacket off and put it on a dictionary, but couldn’t also take the time to, like, slip $20 into the dictionary and be like, so you

can go buy it yourself or something. You know, it’s like, it’s that one is just so mean.

Yeah. Yeah.

It just feels mean. It just feels mean. And there are like, you know, there are there are families that just do very small gifts for Christmas, which is fine.

It’s just I think the sincerity of it, like she went to Christmas, like looking for like sincere connection with her family and didn’t get it. And like that should make you sad. That’s okay.

That’s okay that that hurt your feelings. That’s okay that made you sad. I would have lost my mind.

I would have lost my mind. At age 21, oh, I would have huffed and puffed my way out of there. I would have been, I would have been out of there.

Out. Out.

I just wanted a real gift.

Oh, I would have been out. I would have been out. Okay.

Like it’s…

You’re not the A-hole. You’re not the A-hole.

You’re not the A-hole. You’re not the A-hole. Okay.

No, that’s even worse. I don’t know why my mom can’t handle any. It can’t be explicitly stated.

You could say B-hole or A-hole, but you can’t say the full word.

Rump.

Yeah, you could say rump, rump, rump-hole. That’s fine. That’s fine.

Okay.

Okay. Here’s the second, am I the rump-hole? It says, am I the rump-hole for continuing to request my Christmas present?

Okay. I, aged 15, keep asking my father, 49-year-old male.

Why is that so funny?

Yo, why are you giving us this demograph? All right. I, aged 15, keep asking my father, 49-year-old male, for my Christmas present from my grandpa, 76-year-old male.

Christmas 2023 was held at my aunt’s, 41-year-old female, and my grandpa, I’m guessing the 76-year-old male, got me a hundred dollar bill. However, I wasn’t there to receive it as I had to stay home to play my violin in church that same night.

Wholesome.

Right, that’s very, Yeah. Remind me to tell you a very non-wholesome story about me playing guitar on New Year’s Eve at church, drunk.

I know this one.

Oh, I, so it was sent back with my father. My father proceeded to wave it over my head by saying, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come over here and get it. I don’t have the greatest relationship with him already, but that didn’t help.

My mom, 40-year-old female, had to go over there to his place so she could receive her child support and brought Cory, 47-year-old male, her fiance.

Not Cory.

Cory.

Not Cory.

Don’t bring Cory into this.

No, not Cory, the 47-year-old male. Oh, Lord Jesus. My mom asked for it, my present, but my father had spent it.

He claimed he would make it up to me. Today, he and my grandpa, 70-year-old, he and my grandma, a 70-year-old female, came over for my birthday as that was on Monday. I then again requested my Christmas present.

I intentionally did it in front of my grandma as she’s his mom so she would know what my father did. That’s a really good point.

I like that. You got a rat. You got a rat.

Yeah, you got a snitch, a snitch to grandma.

I said they should go to the ATM to get my $100 after they pick up the pizza we ordered. She took his side and defended him with the whole, I didn’t seem to want it thing. I’m saving up for something that’s $2,000.

I want the money. His definition of making it up to me is to take me shopping. I don’t need anything right now.

I want the cash. Man, I understand you so much. Yeah, give me the money and stop playing with my money.

What’s all this? I’m going to take you shopping. And grandma now is an accomplice to this financial crime.

It’s a financial crime.

He spent my Christmas present and that wasn’t even from him.

Oh yeah, that wasn’t even from him.

Classic, classic.

Then later on today, he says he’s going to buy himself a brand new $90,000 car, a new laptop and a new dangerous thing. I don’t feel comfortable saying what that thing is.

A new dangerous thing. And he can’t give you your $100 bill.

And now you’re snitching on your dad with the dangerous thing. You got to be careful. This guy’s got a $90,000 car.

That’s when I had it and I said to his face, Oh, you have all this money to buy stuff for you, but not to even give me my $100 that isn’t even from you. I yelled it. He pulls the, I didn’t want it thing again.

Then I said, I wasn’t going to…

I was at church playing guitar. The reason for this season.

Right. It’s like, dude, I was… Well, no, I was at church playing guitar.

I wasn’t, but he was.

Okay.

Or he was playing his violin, right?

He was playing violin.

Oh God, now I’m triggered. Yeah.

You know what’s more wholesome than guitar at church? Violin at church.

Yeah, violin at church. Way more wholesome. You can’t beat that.

Wow.

Okay.

Oh my God.

Then I said, I wasn’t going over to his place ever again until he had that money. He had no words. And then he and my grandma left shortly after.

Things got real quiet after that. Am I the ass?

No.

Am I the rumple?

Yeah. No. No, you are not.

No. No, no. That’s so rude.

That’s so rude.

That’s mean.

I hate when people have mean dads. I hate when people have mean dads.

Withholding the money, what kind of bummy dad is that? You took the money. Okay, maybe you didn’t have it for a couple of weeks.

Go back and just hand the money off to the kids so they can save it.

It was cash in your pocket. Something came up, like you spent whatever. Like you put it back.

I’ve had to borrow money from a seven-year-old child, okay? I don’t know why they always have cash, but like he always has cash in his wallet. I’ve had to borrow money from him, but like he gets paid back because he’s so mean.

Replenish.

He’ll be like, did you?

And I have to like show him on my phone. I’m like, I transferred the money is transferred into your account. It’s there.

And he’s like, I cash after you. Yeah, I cash after you. I cash after you.

It’s there. But he does not like digital money. He wants his money, he wants paper money.

He wants paper money. He wants to pile it up. But yeah, I hate that.

Of course, you’re not the A-hole. You’re 15. That is also bullying.

I’m very sensitive to dads who are bullying. And your grandma’s enabling. I don’t know why we had to bring Cory into it and never come back to Cory.

We never circled back to Cory.

Where’s Cory at in all this? Why couldn’t Cory help replenish the $100? Are you just parading around with my mom, Cory?

47-year-old male?

It’s, you know, I don’t know anything about, like, child support, having never received it or paid it. But I feel like it’s rude to make a woman go get it from you physically.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the child support system is a little bit crazy.

So I can’t speak to that because I’ve seen it on both sides. Where it’s like, dude, you’re, it’s as simple as this. Your child needs things and you should contribute to that child getting things.

Right. And I’ve seen the bummiest father. I’m talking about the most non-involved, offered every opportunity to be a part of this child’s life and not adding any money to the pot.

I’ve also seen men go through times where they lose a job or something like that. So I don’t know what’s going on with your dad. But for everything else that’s going on in this situation, I’m willing to put the BUM stamp on the situation.

On your dad.

On your dad. Of course you want that $100. Also, this kid trying so hard to save $2,000 is really commendable.

And if I can find this kid’s cash app, I’ll send him $100, okay? I know it’s the holiday season, we’re supposed to be shopping for other people, but also I know in my experience, I’m shopping for myself first.

Okay, are you ready for another one?

Yes, another rumple.

This is another rumple. We’re getting out of the gift arena and into something slightly different. Okay, there’s always a lot of drama around where people spend the holidays.

Like, it can be a highly political choice, right? Like, who are you spending the holidays with? Who’s hosting?

Who’s invited? What are you supposed to be bringing? I think families are, many families really bad at communicating things, and I have definitely been a person who has high expectations that were never communicated to anybody around me.

I’ve also been a person who has not met the stated or unstated expectations of different family members. So I can already tell this is going to be a controversial one because here is the title.

Am I the a-hole for asking my daughter to come to our house for Christmas? My husband, 58-year-old male, and I, 56-year-old female, all these people with older men.

Also just handing out their ages.

Always, always. Also I’ve got like hangnails. It’s going to drive me crazy.

Oh, God. Okay, so that’s all we know so far. We host all our kids and their families for the holiday season.

This has been so since they moved away for different reasons, and we use this as a way to bond with them and for them to see each other. My sons, Jack, 32, Harry, 35, visit us every year and we have a great time together.

My daughter, Alice, 31, lives about an hour away from us by playing with her family. This includes her wife, Vanessa, 35, and their two kids, a 6-year-old boy and a 4-year-old daughter.

They come to visit us on my husband’s birthday or mine if they can. They’ve never been with us for the holidays since they got together 10 years ago. Ooh, okay, I can already tell.

We’re cooking up a decade of resentment is what we’re getting here. They haven’t been to Christmas. With 56-year-old female and 58-year-old male for 10 years.

The reason for this is that Vanessa is a surgeon and she always has to work, including the holidays. This year, I again invited them and Alice declined the invitation for the very same reason as every year.

I suggested that the kids were now older and maybe Alice could fly out alone with them and stay with us for a few days while Vanessa kept on with her work. Alice told me there was no way she could spend the holidays away from her wife.

I told her how the kids were missing out on the chance to spend time with their cousins, and I’m sure they’d have fun if they came over. She told me they already planned to spend time with Vanessa’s family because they live in the same city.

I may be an a-hole because I again told her it wouldn’t hurt anyone if she just came for a few days, and I said I was sure Vanessa could handle that.

She got mad at me this time and said she honestly only wanted to be with Vanessa and the kids and that they used this time to bond together as a family.

She also called me pushy and selfish for not understanding where she’s coming from and said I was being unreasonable by asking her to abandon her wife during the holidays.

My husband and Jack are on my side, but Harry thinks we went too far with the insisting. So, am I the a-hole?

Oh, man. You might be, because you might be, because you might be, you know, you might be.

Sometimes, I gotta admit, even now, as I mean, now that I finally have children and like I have that role of parent and it’s new but getting less new, I feel like I understand the dynamic of having difficult conversations, having to raise somebody up

that, frankly, just doesn’t have the like frontal lobe capacity to think the best for themselves and to keep themselves like safe and healthy and things like that. But I also know that, you know, I had to apologize to my child earlier today because

of a knee jerk reaction that I think is still completely rooted in something very positive and trying to do the right thing but also could cause a discord maybe in the relationship or cause like a rift in the relationship. So I tend to think when

Nine hundred times out of a thousand, you know, you’re going to get.

Yeah, I mean, nine hundred not wait, nine hundred thousand out of one million, you know, you’re going to see a pattern that I mean, if we get into the nine hundred millions out of one billion, billion, you’re going to see the same.

It sounds like a way bigger deal. But so I think it could be your fault. You know, this it seems like there’s more to this story.

If your child feels that strongly about not being with you, I will say, and then I want to pass it to Nora for her take on this.

Sometimes, you know, it’s like when your friend starts dating someone and they stop coming around and, you know, their eyes are opened to something. And I’m not saying that in quotations because it can also be true.

You know, a partner can help you see things that from an objective perspective that you didn’t see, you know, because you were emotionally attached to someone, a family member or whatever.

And they could say, hey, you know, this is not a healthy behavior or I noticed this thing that’s not good.

So I kind of I’m going to I’m going to just throw something at the wall and say, I think that you guys have some kind of unhealthy dynamic that you as the parent perpetuate and that your child is probably this is a product of your child, you know,

your child’s response to that. And there’s a reason why they’ve stayed away from you for this long. That’s what I’m going to say. But then again, don’t don’t take what I say as, you know.

Yeah, I have, I do have empathy for this mother, because I think it’s hard as your kids get older and become adults to kind of adjust, like every family has to adjust and refamulate and figure out like a new dynamic as everybody gets older.

And when your kids have families, like that is their priority now, like that’s their family, right? Like the family that you have, your wife, your kids, like that is your family. That’s your primary obligation, your primary concern.

Yes, you still care about the family that you came from, but like this is where you are now. Like that is your, that’s the center of your world. So it’s hard as people grow up to see those dynamics change.

Like it just, it can just be really hard. And I don’t think that she is the a-hole for asking. I think that she is the a-hole for pushing further.

Like when your daughter says no, right? Which is like kind of obvious.

Like, you know, if her wife is going to be working a very stressful job at the holidays, does she want to come home from a 24-hour or 12-hour shift at the hospital to an empty house and no children? No, right?

Like it’s fine to want to stay at your house with your kids and your family and be ready for your wife to come home and sort of like build your own little, you know, traditions.

And if you really, really want that time with like all your grandkids together and all your children together, and you know that one of your kids has this really sort of like unusual life and is married to a surgeon and has to…

Maybe you go there if it’s so important to you. Like you go there. That’s like the most, you know, like you adapt, right?

And you tell your sons, like, guess what? I’m going to rent a giant, beautiful Airbnb in the city that your sister lives in. And I’m flying everybody out.

And, you know, dad and I are going to pay for it. And that’s on us. And this is going to be our new tradition.

Or we’re actually going to do Christmas in July. And that’s when, you know, everybody will come out and we’ll do our family thing then.

And you can, I don’t know, like, when we get so rigid about what we think an event has to be, what we think a holiday has to be, what we think our family has to be, I think that’s like when we hurt each other’s feelings and like hurt our own feelings

Wow.

You took a really mature and measured approach. I hear you.

I mean, I think there is a degree of too, like, I mean, you’re more at the age where you have, well, at the stage, I should say, not so much your age, but at the stage where your kids are like, like Ian could not come home. You know what I mean?

Like, an older child could just be like, oh, I’m up to this thing, you know, during the holidays. There’s many holidays in my 20s where I like flew out to Seattle.

So bad, it would hurt my feelings so bad, you know, and I will have to deal with that.

Cause you didn’t do anything, like from your perspective, it’s like I didn’t do anything.

But to your point, I’m thinking, what about, what if the surgeon, like you have all year, if you know that like Christmas is this big deal, you know that you haven’t gone for 10 years.

You may not know how it’s sitting on your mother’s heart, but you know you haven’t done something for 10 years. Like even I know, like I’ve never, it’s never been an issue with family.

I just wanted to start my own tradition and have time, certain times or certain family members, I’ll be honest. I didn’t go around because there was too much conflict or whatever gossip. So I would say, hey, this year I’m just taking that off.

But like with my mother, it’s never been an issue. I just never, she’s not hosting anything. I invite her over.

Maybe she does or doesn’t come. And so I could see how they could just not have an issue. And they’re just like, well, we’re just in this other place and we’re whatever.

But you have all year to take that time off to get some other surgeon or to figure something. And I know surgeons particularly have it very hard to organize their schedule. But I feel like there has to be some purposefulness to that.

Yeah.

And probably, you know, the approach to the conversation wasn’t very productive. And instead of saying, like, but you’re always there. Like, maybe you say, like, it’s important to me and I feel sad about it.

Yeah.

It would feel good for us to be in the family house together and do the tradition. Can we just try this, like, every other year or something? So, you know, I can make the special cookies and I want to see my grandbabies in the house.

And you know those little stockings? We’d put the, you know, you have the names on them or something. Like, maybe grandma just wants to put the stockings with the kids’ names.

And now she can’t. So, I don’t know.

She can’t. She never got to. She never got to because it’s been 10 years and her grandkids have never spent Christmas with her and maybe now I’m on her side.

But I just think it’s a bigger conversation. And you also have to have some curiosity about your daughter’s life too, like why, you know, like, and is there another time? So, I think it could just be a bigger conversation.

And I am also, the other part too is like, as a, you have siblings, right? You know, you know how this stuff goes. So, like, the line where she’s like, one kid is on my side, and one kid thinks I went a little too far.

It’s like, oh, so now everyone’s involved? So, now everyone’s involved, right? Like, so not only is this the girl who moved away, but now she knows, like, that you’re kind of, like, campaigning, and no one likes to feel that way.

Yeah, that’s, I’m saying, as the elder statesman in the family, like, it’s okay, we all have feelings, you know what I’m saying?

Like I said, I had to apologize earlier, and we, you can get upset about something, you can, and as a person who’s particularly stubborn in the household, I can see how you could be stubborn, but I don’t like playing people against each other, I

don’t like any of that, and as an older person, it is your job not to do that. It’s your job, you have to take one for the team sometimes, as the older person, as the more mature person, so.

Yeah, that is really mature, and you know what, you do that a lot of parents of older kids do, a lot of parents in their 50s or 60s or 70s, you apologize to your kids, and that’s gonna make a big difference to them as they grow up.

They’ll respect you. Okay, so Nora says, no, I say, you might be.

Yeah, I know, I said she is, but she’s not, I said she’s, yeah, it’s not the asking, it’s the insisting. It’s the insisting and not, you know, like you have to bend at some point too, you know? So like, I’m like, why wouldn’t you offer?

And it’s like, if you don’t got little kids and you can move around more easily than someone with the, I don’t know, oh, yeah, you might be.

It’s like, I also, I do take issue with being like, well, your kids are older now, it’s a one-hour flight, a one-hour flight with a four and a six-year-old, those are not older kids.

No, your kids are older when they’re like both like, you know, in-

Above six, I don’t know, seven, eight.

And can walk through an airport without getting, you know, like just destroyed by a rolling suitcase.

Right.

You know, happened to one of my kids. And like, yeah, it’s like you go to them, you go to them. If you know that this is important to her, if the most important thing is being together, then you would want to be together wherever you could be.

But it sounds like the most important thing is you getting everything you want. And that is what makes you the A-hole.

Yes. You want to read one last one? Or how many more should we read?

I want you to read this next one.

OK.

Because I think this is also like a very relevant topic.

OK.

This one says, am I the rump hole for saying I’ll not attend the family Christmas since I can’t afford it? My family has always spent the Christmas together, the Christmas together. We’ve spent the Christmas together.

We always spend the Christmas together.

My family has always spent the Christmas together at our parents.

Last year was the first year we spent it at my brother’s 20s. Why do they always put the age? Last year was the first year we spent it at my brother’s 20s and his wife’s 20s.

Due to it being their first time, they were understandably very stressed and had troubles getting things together, especially taking into account my dietary restrictions.

Last year, I, female 20s, didn’t live in the same city as them, so I couldn’t really help with the preparations, but this year I do.

Since I’m a student, the money is tight, but my brother and sister-in-law earn extremely well even compared to our parents.

When we spent the Christmas at our parents, we didn’t have to contribute financially towards the feast, but this year the costs are shared by our parents and them.

As I can’t afford it, my compensation is the organization and cooking the feast, as none of them enjoy such things. This is really proper. The feast.

Well, yeah, just the choice of words. It’s like, as none of them enjoy such things, this is not a small task since I’ll have to start the preparation days before Christmas and do everything on my own.

However, since I’m not the one paying for the meal, I have shared my plans weeks ago with all of them and they have agreed on the menu. A couple days ago, I sat down and calculated how much all of this would cost and sent the info to my family.

This did not go down well with my brother. He is extremely frugal, which is fine and all, but the cost of the feast is the same as it has been every year. Mind you.

What is the feast?

The feast.

The feast on Roast Beast. They do. Okay.

Mind you, it is nothing crazy, honestly, but costs more than a regular everyday meal. Yeah, of course. I said, fine, we can cut something back if he wants and asked what he wanted to give up.

He chose the one thing I wanted to make for myself as a treat since almost everything else is something I can’t eat, but the rest of them can eat all of it. I said, okay, anything else, but he didn’t want to give up anything else.

I asked him if he was serious that my dish would be the only one he would get rid of and not one of their multiple sides. I don’t want to eat only potatoes and salad. Well, yeah, that makes sense.

His response was that it’s all so expensive and since it’s something that most of us wouldn’t eat, it didn’t make sense to make it. My brother pulled the same move last year and my mother put her foot down and forced my brother to include me.

Since then, he has constantly told us how we are so emotional and stir up unnecessary drama. So to his opinion, I said, this is such a weird structure, sentence structure, I don’t know. So to his opinion, I said, it’s fine.

I’ll just not attend and spend Christmas by myself since I can’t afford to pay for the dish since I already provide my main dish. Okay. My brother got mad and said, that’s not what he meant.

I replied, this would be the most elegant solution to the problem since the feast would be cheaper and I wouldn’t have to work so hard for a meal I can’t eat.

This would have had the added bonus of not causing too much drama since I do so voluntarily. I know I’m probably a rump hole just for this. He got super mad at me while my mother got mad at him and decided to spend the Christmas at my place.

Now everyone is mad at everyone, but honestly, I’m mainly just sad and feel like I ruin everyone’s Christmas. Am I the rump hole? Okay.

Edit. This is something that was added later. I’ve seen a lot of comments saying that they would like to help me to contribute financially towards this meal while I find this, whatever I simply feel.

This wouldn’t be appropriate since I’ll be fine regardless of the outcome for Christmas. Okay. Well, that’s nice.

So is this individual the rump hole?

Okay. I have so many questions. Every family is so different.

Money is very stressful for people. We know this. This is what people fight about.

This would tear marriages apart. And apparently it tears families apart as well. I am confused.

It seems like because this person cannot afford to contribute financially to the meal, they’re like the peasant who is going to just do all the work and then also can’t cook anything for themselves that would be enjoyable or edible to them, which is

so odd. It’s crazy. It’s crazy. I think if your parents are hosting, they buy the food and cook it, but if your brother is hosting, then he wants you to help pay for dinner, but because you can’t, then you have to prepare it.

I know that there are many cultural differences in this world, but this is relevant, Marcel, because I saw a TikTok last night where someone was like, we are losing the art of hosting each other, like we are losing the art of hospitality within each

other, right? Like someone comes to your house, you offer them something to eat, you offer them something to drink. Someone on TikTok was like, I’ve been in some of the poorest villages, they’ll still offer you something, right?

They will offer you something, because you were a guest in their home, and somebody else had made a video that was like, well, I went to dinner at my friend’s house, and then she Venmo’d us all, like sent a Venmo request saying, oh, the taco salad I

That is crazy.

That is crazy.

That is crazy if you cannot afford to offer your guests a meal, don’t invite them over for a meal is what I would say.

I would say, and I would say, I kind of think it’s so strange to me because all of the spectrum of a whole post that we’ve talked about, all this holiday controversy that we have talked about, in the 40 some minutes we’ve been talking about, so much

of it does come down to family dynamics and finances and unspoken expectations, and even if you are an adult, like both of the siblings in this story are, I kind of feel like your mom’s always your mom. Your parents are always the parents.

Like when you are in that dynamic, the parent still needs to parent, and in this case, the parent should say, this is not something to fight about. I’m going to pay for the dinner. I mean, I’ll pay for all the food.

Everyone needs to have something that they can eat. Even if your brother is hosting, I’ll come help cook. You can help cook.

I know you’re a student. You don’t have any money. I know your brother’s cheap and wants to charge you for coming to the holiday feast, and I’m going to take care of it.

Not like, okay, fine, I’ll eat it at your house instead, but I will try to make this as agreeable as possible because I do think it’s, I don’t think this person is the a-hole, but I do find this situation really odd. Am I missing something?

Is this weird to you?

No, I mean, it’s a strange situation. I mean, you never know the dynamics. I don’t want to jump.

This is Happyish Holidays, so I don’t want to just jump off and say what I’m saying enough or something. But it’s like, look, man, if you are not wanted somewhere or whatever, you know, I’m of the prideful mindset of just don’t go.

And I think that that’s a perfectly fine way to choose. Like you don’t have to go there regardless. So you didn’t have to go and cook this thing and that thing anyway.

And yeah, it does feel kind of like you’re the word meager came to mind. Like I just kept thinking about measly and meager. And I don’t know how those two words play, but yeah, just peasantry.

And you know, the the the Christmas care, where the we’re Mickey slicing the bean.

Yeah.

That’s where this story is taking me.

Just a slice of bean. Would you like a slice of bean?

I don’t know how Jiminy Cricket is related to this.

Jiminy Cricket is on the windowsill watching this family being like, no, no. It’s like, and you know the person writing in, I think we can all say they’re vegan. We already know.

Okay, we already know they’re vegan. They need something very specific.

You’re a barista, you know.

But something is gluten-free and dairy-free and meat-free. Of course, it’s expensive. Yes.

And you also do deserve, you deserve a holiday feast as well.

Yeah, yeah. I don’t, see, I don’t want to jump too far because I don’t, because, because, listen, back in the day, we used to have this phrase called a mooch, okay? And so, I don’t want to, listen, I’m for, I’m hospitality.

I’m like, if I invite you somewhere, because I know Nora is exactly like this. If I’m in a position where I do have, you know, more money or more of something, I’m going to try to be the person doing something, looking out.

That’s just like a, that should be a part of our culture, is looking out for other people culture. And so, this is a weird dynamic with your brother.

I feel, but I feel like there could be some mooch perception going on in this situation, or something like that. That’s what I, that’s what I read.

But it’s really odd. To me, it’s also so odd. It’s so ungracious to be like, OK, this is my little sibling who’s in school.

Yeah, I’m trying to figure it out. We’ve got a two-income household. And because this guy can’t pay for the meal, which is, you know, it’s like, you’re going to have to come over like Cinderella and prepare it for us.

Yeah, yeah.

Mooch.

Yeah, Mooch. It’s so odd. No, you’re not, you’re not the AOL.

This Christmas sounds like a mess.

Yeah, it is a weird dynamic.

And this is where we come to the true message of Happyish Holidays, which is this, that holiday cheer is optional. It is optional. Go where you are wanted.

Release yourself from expectations. Communicate early and often. OK, it’s never too early.

Feel the rain on your skin. OK, no one else can feel it for you. And it is time for you to pick up the phone and tell your family what the plan is, what you are doing, what you’re not doing, and just communicate it early, often, clear, concise.

You know, try not to dredge up into the past. Try not to send a Venmo request for the portion of a meal that somebody else ate.

Try not to hold a hundred dollar bill over your 15 year old child’s head while simultaneously going to buy yourself a 90,000 dollar vehicle and something quote, dangerous, but they don’t feel comfortable expressing anonymously online.

So, it’s a hard time of year. It is not just you. All around the world, there are people experiencing complicated, highly emotional dynamics and wondering if it’s them.

And sometimes it is. Sometimes it is them. It might be you.

It might be you. We don’t know. We don’t know your situation.

But what we want you to know is it’s all optional. You can opt out. And it is OK if the holidays are simply Happyish at best.

This episode is brought to you by Amazon.

The holidays are here, and you know what that means? It’s time to get your friends and family the gifts they deserve. Take the stress out of shopping with Amazon’s great deals and low prices on a huge range of items from toys to tech and much more.

Whoever you’re gifting for, Amazon has great prices on everything you need this holiday season. Shop Black Friday Week starting November 21st. This episode is brought to you by Skinny Pop Popcorn.

Perfectly popped, endlessly delicious. Oh, so light and crunchy. Skinny Pop Original Popcorn is the snack you’ve been searching for.

Made with just three simple ingredients, popcorn kernels, sunflower oil and salt. Snacking never felt or tasted so good. Perfectly popped, endlessly delicious.

Give yourself permission to snack and pick up Skinny Pop Original Popcorn today.

You can get the most important meal of the day any time of day. I’m talking about the $5 Big Deal Breakfast Meal from Jack in the Box. Available all day and all night.

A breakfast Jack with a freshly cracked egg, a hash brown and french toast sticks for five bucks. Sounds good for breakfast, lunch and dinner. At Jack, every bite is a big deal.

Order Jack’s $5 Big Deal Breakfast Meal now.

We have, coming up every week, right here where you’re hearing this, there will be a new, old episode of Happyish Holidays.

We are opening up the archives, we are dusting off our greatest hits, and we have stories that will make you laugh, we have stories that are going to make you cry.

Not in a horrible way, like in a, it’s like a, in a, in a slicing the bean Disney Christmas Carol kind of way, I think so. I think that’s the general, that’s the general energy.

I can’t give any cricket a jump on your windows.

Because, because you are not alone, it is not just you. I’m Nora McInerny, I’m here with my producer and friend.

Marcel Malekebu.

And this has been Terrible, Thanks for Asking, Happyish Holidays 2024. This episode was produced by Marcel Malekebu. Who’s on the rest of our team, Marcel?

Grace Barry, Claire McInerny.

Okay, one more thing is we are doing a Happyish Holidays Live Show.

We are doing two shows live in Minneapolis at the Parkway Theatre. We’ll have those tickets linked in the show description. One of those will also be live streamed.

Our Patreon subscribers will have, I think, a discounted access to that live stream. So there’s never been a better time to join the Patreon and support independent podcasting by us. And that’s it.

Our theme music is by Joffrey Lamar Wilson. And Happyish Holidays to all of you. When you’re editing this, you’re gonna hear my stomach growling.

It’s crazy.

Yeah, no, at one point, I like burped or something. I don’t know what was going on. Yo, I got the cloud lifter finally, so now I’m like, is it gonna bump up my mouth and gut sounds even more?

I like turn it down slightly.

Something I can tell you right now, you’re gonna hear is a lot of this.

Yeah, yo, on the last episode, yo, me and you recorded, I think it was one of the offices, and all you can hear is my nose.

You’re breathing deep.

I got allergies so much.