Your Pettiest Crimes with Caroline Moss

 The holiday season can be tough – so we’re taking a break to (anonymously) celebrate some petty crimes. Nora is joined by fan favorite Caroline Moss of Gee Thanks, Just Bought It! to talk petty crimes (including being a shoplifter turned shopping influencer). Buckle in for stories from stealing from exes, getting revenge on rotten advisors, and sneaking something from Chipotle… you’re all criminals, and we love it.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

---

Hi. Hi.

Hi there. Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Nora.

I’m Nora McInerny, and this is Thanks For Asking, a call-in show about what matters to you. Hello, everybody. This is Thanks For Asking, a call-in show about what matters to you.

And I have something important to say, which is we all know that in the criminal justice system, petty crimes are considered especially hilarious, especially if the statute of limitations has expired. These are your stories.

And joining me today to talk about the ways that all of you have flouted the law, thumbed your nose at it, really, is friend of the pod, but more importantly, my best friend, Caroline Moss.

Also, huge, huge, probably the most encyclopedic knowledge of law and order, SVU, that this planet has ever or will ever see, a true scholar of law and order. Dun, dun, dun, dun.

Thank you for having me. I love law and order. I’m both a lawyer and a cop and a DA.

And a criminal.

And a criminal.

And we’ll get into that. But thank you so much.

When it comes to, like, it’s so important to be well-rounded, and you really, you really do that. You really do that.

You say, you don’t need a judge. I don’t need a judge. I’m the judge, I’m the judge, I’m the jury, I’m the cop, I’m the DA, I’m the criminal, I’m on trial, I’m also sentencing myself.

And guess what? Not guilty. Going free.

I’m also the press.

I’m also the press.

The interview is gonna be good. Questions are gonna be easy. But you know what?

Here’s the thing.

3:06
Personal Reflections

I never watched, I don’t watch any medical dramas, so I’m not a doctor. And it’s like, I know that. Some people watch Crazy Anatomy, and they’re doctors, and I respect that.

And I’ll go to my Well Women Checkup, okay? I usually go in February. But…

Do you really?

Yeah, I try to schedule it for, you know, the Doldrums of Winter, something to do, get a nice little pap smear.

I love going to the doctor.

I love like…

I love getting a pap smear. And I was like, do you? I love it, I love it.

I don’t even mind the pap smear, because one of the things I’ve noticed, like at the OB, you are always having just like the most amazing conversations while someone is digging around in your body.

Like elbow deep in your birth canal.

Elbow deep and you’re like, okay, but here’s the thing, that lipstick, it gets a lot of hype, but I found…

Dr.

Ruth, are you watching Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? And she’s like, hold on, honey, I’m excavating. I’ll be right up.

Give me one second. And I’m like, okay, Team Jessie, Team Demi, like… Sorry, Demi.

Demi, what do we think?

What do we think? I always, for some reason, I always bring up TikToks to my doctor. Like, have you seen the one?

That’s, conversationally, that is right at the level of someone explaining a dream to you or a meme.

Yes.

It’s low.

You’re leaning into Boomerville with that. My mom truly believes, I think, and I understand why she does, that everyone’s, sort of like, for you page is the same. You know, we don’t teach 70-year-olds about the algorithm.

You know, that’s not a thing. And so my mom’s like, you see the one with the dog, and her name’s Victoria, and her dog’s name is Moony. And I’m like, what?

And she’s like, you don’t follow Victoria and Moony! And I’m like, oh, God, okay.

I don’t know.

I don’t know. But now I’m going to. My phone’s like, okay, noted.

Yeah, noted.

I do love that. I love when we talk about something and then our phones say, we’re not listening to you, but we do know that you were just talking about getting a well woman check up.

So how would you, instead of doing that, like to do your own pap smear and send it over to this new med tech company called.

That’s owned by Amazon. Yeah. How do you want to say, Jeff Bezos’ house.

And the Koch brothers.

Jeff Bezos just wants to know about your fertility and sell that data to himself.

I don’t think that that’s that crazy. We all have, we all have things, you know, we all have, we all have interests. Okay.

Who cares?

Before we get started, I do, I have to ask you about your lipstick. I love it.

It’s called Dare You by MAC. And I dare you to not buy it because it’s been out of, it’s like, what’s it called? Discontinued.

It’s been discontinued. And I’m so mad about it. It’s the Fleabag lipstick.

It’s the lipstick that Phoebe Waller’s, is that her name? Phoebe Waller’s Bridges?

It’s so hard because it’s Phoebe Bridgers and Phoebe Waller Bridge.

Phoebe Waller Bridge.

Two people shouldn’t be able to have similar names.

And they’re like, it’s the same font too.

They’re the same font. They’re both indie darlings.

Indie darlings. Zoe Deschanel and Natalie Portman in Garden State ran or walked. So they could walk.

Whatever. Everyone’s walking. And they’re owned the record store.

It’s the lipstick she wore in Fleabag. And Katie Haney wrote a full series trying to figure out what this lipstick was, tracking it down. And it turns out that it just looks good on everybody, or at least pale Irish girls.

Yeah. So it will look good on you, and it looks good on me. But they discontinued it.

And I found that out about a year ago when I was in London. I walked into the MAC store. It was around this time, so things were on sale.

And I was like, oh, I’m just going to get like three tubes and call it a day. And they were like, we don’t make that one anymore. And so I’ve tracked it down on eBay, on Amazon had a few left.

And I have maybe like six or seven. I go through one tube a year. But I’ve been wearing it for 10 years.

And I’ve never ever deviated. I wore it on my wedding day. Like I wear it like every day.

It’s like the it’s like the only lipstick color I wear. I do not deviate.

Okay, I love it. I love it.

I love it.

I like it really like bright, bluish red. That’s kind of my go to for red undertones. Yeah, because I’m kind of afraid of like a deeper red, like the one you’re wearing, but it looks really, really good.

This has blue though.

It does, okay.

Yeah, but it’s like just deeper. It’s deeper and it looks really good. So you can pale skin.

I have an update on my Groupon journey. I want to just tell everybody in the audience that if you find yourself in the year 2025, saying, I’ve heard a lot about-

Or 2026, since it’s been-

Or 2026, yeah, it’s 2026, sorry. If you find yourself at any point in-

Ever.

If you are listening to this and it’s past the year 2010, and you find yourself on Groupon and you find yourself perusing skincare Groupons and if those skincare Groupons involve a procedure that is often, and I would say typically done in by a real,

a highly trained medical professional, say in a dermatologist office and you say, micro-needling, why not? Two sessions for $99 when one is usually 300, that sounds like a deal. I would say resist it.

I would say that if you go and you are very, on a Fitzpatrick scale, you’re basically transparent, which is me, and you leave with bloody scabs and then you go back the next day and the girl goes, trust the process and the process is, this is with

Wait, I can’t see, get a little closer.

Well, get a lot closer, you’re very far away.

Hold on, I had a climb.

This is actor. Am I in focus yet?

Okay.

See scars?

See that?

Oh my God, that’s from that?

That’s from that. It looks like shadow.

Oh my God.

Where did you?

Oh my no. Are you suing?

What’s the deal? I’m sure I sent something, I’m sure I sent something, but I just emailed them and I said, look, because the girl who does that also does my laser hair removal, or did because I haven’t been back. I said, she’s such a nice girl.

I think she needs more training because she saw this and she said it was fine. This is two months later, I would say not fine would be my verdict. This is under makeup, you can still see.

It looks like I just have like sun, I’ve never had sun damage. I just said, I think she needs more training. They were like, thanks for bringing this up to us.

We’d love to have you come in so we can take pictures and evaluate what you need. What more could you do and then have you meet with our medical director. I look up their medical director, he is not an MD.

Well, he is an MD, he’s a medical director.

He’s a medical director, you’re right.

You’re right, actually. So I have to retract that. I have to retract that.

So I don’t know what to do next. I do think I probably have to say the name publicly at some point.

Is it like a chain?

It’s a chain, yeah, it’s a chain. It’s a franchise, it’s a franchise. And I would just say, don’t.

I would say that if you’re going to go somewhere to get laser hair removal, honestly, I think that’s fine to do on a groupon. Like, they’re just zapping your hair.

Yeah, but like for something that’s like needles in your skin.

Needles in your skin, on your face, on your face. And like, so that’s just, you know, you get what you pay for.

Oh, boy. Is what they say. Is what they say.

And I think that’s on theme because I believe that was, I think I got crimed.

I think I got crimed. I thought I was robbing them.

Crime 99. I know they were robbing you.

They were robbing me.

Listen, Groupons are good for workout classes, manicures, tickets to things that are happening already. Don’t do like plastic surgery. They’re not for hair extensions.

They’re not for like anything happening cosmetically.

No, no.

I mean, even like a wax can be.

Even a wax. I would say anything near your face and your, your, your, I hate the word genitals. I’m sorry.

I really don’t like that word. It’s just me. I don’t like that word at all.

No, no one likes that word.

It’s such a gross.

There’s something about it where I’m like sounds.

Yeah, genitals. It’s like, okay, grandpa. It’s giving like hairy balls.

It has shape to it.

It has a tentacle.

It’s textured. Hairy balls.

That word’s vis, it just has something to it. I can see it and it doesn’t look like the stuff necessarily just looks like. I don’t like the word genitals.

I don’t use it. But if you’re going to, it’s like, don’t, you don’t want to mess around with those two facets of your body. You’re worth it.

You’re worth it.

You’re worth it.

You’re worth it.

Save your money.

You know, buy generic like Advil, you know? But save your money and spend it on the real.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes. So, you know, that’s just, that’s the journey I’m on.

So that is, we’ll see if that’s a crime, a real crime or if maybe it’s just, you know, it might just be a hilarious story and I just carry these scars with me for the rest of my life. We’ll see. We’ll see.

I just want everybody to know, it’s no longer 2010.

It’s not.

I lost track of that. I lost track of that. I thought, I thought it’s got to be, right?

That feels right.

Yeah. I mean, listen, you went in, you were wearing a vest and a fedora and you said, micro needle my face. I’m 25 and, you know, nothing can hurt me.

I was wearing a high-waisted pencil skirt.

It was neon orange.

Yeah.

Neon orange. I was wearing blue tights. I was wearing those healed lace-up, almost booties.

I was going to say you were wearing-

From Steve Madden.

Or no, Geoffrey Campbell.

Yep, the like really chunky one. But when you’re walking to work, you’re sensible. So you’re wearing Toms.

I’m wearing Toms.

Remember Toms?

Aaron’s like pet peeve was Toms.

And when we met, I had a pair of gray flannel Toms. And I was like, I was like, no, I don’t have those. Those are, I don’t know.

It’s so weird.

He’s like, I hate Toms. And you were like, you lit a match and you threw them on the Toms.

And I’ve never smoked a cigarette. And I was like, what? Yeah.

Gross. I don’t know where this came from. I’m holding it for someone in my mouth.

Toms was like the first of its kind that we’re like, for every pair of ugly shoes you buy, we give a pair of ugly shoes to someone else who needs them.

And it’s like, who’s that helping? You know?

Who’s that helping?

But I had read Toms and I loved them.

Ugly slippers. They love filled outdoor slippers. Stinky.

Stinky. So smelly. The smelliest of shoes.

That was me. And so I took that. I took my little vest.

I took my fedora, you know it, statement necklace. And I said, groupon.com.

She said, hey, groupon.com. Hey. And then you went like this.

And there was a mustache on your finger. And you said, groupon.com, I’d like to make it, like to get a little micro-needling.

That was me. That was me. Only the year was 2025.

I’m an adult woman. And as my husband said, you waste money on all kinds of things. Why was this?

He has a fucking point, but I totally understand.

Because it’s the art of the deal. You know?

It’s the art of the deal. I said, oh, when I show off looking beautiful and people say, how’d you do it? And I say, $99 microneedling.

$99 microneedling, baby.

We’re gonna get into the crimes, we’re going to get into the crimes, and we’re going to start, Caroline. I had to butter you up first, listeners.

I had to butter her up because what I was trying to do, and this is, I learned this from watching Law & Order. First, you make the criminal feel like you are on their side. I just did that.

She thinks she’s my best friend. I’ve never talked to this woman before in my life. And now I have to say, why’d you do it and what’d you do?

Why’d you do it and what did you do? There’s only one way out of this room, and it’s not closing your browser.

She actually just took a huge file folder and it’s stacked with papers, and she said, folder on you is big. Folder on you is real big. I had to go through it and find what I was looking for.

There’s a lot of stuff in there. Yeah, that’s fucking scary.

Do you know how serious this is?

I have a legal pad.

A legal pad.

What’s it filled with?

Notes on you.

I think you and I both know, but why don’t you tell me while I write it down?

Oh, so where do I begin?

Why don’t we start at the beginning, okay? And I want you to take me to the year 2005. I’ve heard that there is a national chain where you, personally, you, you, not me, you, are no longer welcome and haven’t been for 20 years.

Okay, the year is 2005.

It’s November. It’s cold. I’m a freshman in college.

I have already been in college for three, three-ish months, maybe two months. I’m young for my grade. I turn 18 at the end of November 2005.

And I go to school in Massachusetts. And it is early November. Midterms are upon us.

And one weekend, I take the bus to Worcester, Massachusetts to visit my friend. We’re going to call her Lindsay to protect her identity. And her name is not Lindsay.

I visit my friend Lindsay. She goes to school in Worcester. And she’s like, we’re going to go to the mall.

And I said, oh, cool, why? And she was like, she, Lindsay also is 17. This is important context.

She’s like, my friend.

It’s important that everyone knows that like they were super advanced in preschool. They got moved right to kindergarten.

Okay. First of all, that’s actually not true, but I like to say it’s true about me. The cutoff in New York State for school is not September 1st, it’s December 1st.

So if you were born before December 1st, you can go to that grade and my birthday is November 27th. So I went to kindergarten when I was four years old. Yeah, I was smart.

I was potty trained. Things were happening for me. I’m now in college, got to college by the skin of my teeth.

Because you know why I didn’t like school? No one could make me do school. So I didn’t.

I didn’t like doing it. Who knows how I got into UMass Amherst? No one to this day could tell you.

Not even that hard of a school to get into and yet it was improbable that I would get in. And that year I was. What did I do?

I went and put that on the line. I took the bus to Worcester. Lindsay meets me at the bus station.

She’s excited. She’s like, we’re going right to the mall. I said, why?

She said, we’re going to the Gap. And I said, why are we going to the Gap? We had no money.

I had no job. Like, my parents paid room and board for college. My parents paid for college.

I had maybe, like, you know, at any given time, $400 in my checking account from, who knows, my summer job, my babysitting or whatever. I said, well, I can’t afford anything at the Gap.

And they were like, yeah, well, we’re going to not buy things at the Gap. And I was like, I don’t know what you’re talking. I could not follow.

Okay? Seventeen or not, I wasn’t smart anymore. I didn’t know what they were talking about.

I said, what do you mean?

I love browsing.

I said, sure.

Okay.

Window shopping. That sounds fun. And she’s like, no, my friend Molly knows how to steal bras at the Gap.

And so we’re going to go get some bras at the Gap. And I want to tell you, I want to say, like, this terrified me to my core.

I want to say that, oh my god, like, I have just taken a Fung Wah bus to Worcester, Massachusetts, gotten off, you know, in a new city, in a new town, $400 in my checking account, in my debit card, my Bank of America student debit card.

I had nothing. You know, who knows what I ate last? Who knows?

And I get off, and I’m told we’re going to go commit some crimes at the Gap, at the mall in Worcester. And I said, yeah, okay, because, you know what? It would be a decade before my frontal lobe would develop.

And you just don’t have any brains. You just don’t. And so we went to the Gap, and here’s how she taught us how to shoplift.

We’re in the car. And she’s like, this is what you do. You take…

Okay, the backstory of Molly is that she had spent all summer working at Old Navy at her hometown mall. And she learned…

She was an inside man.

Inside her. She was an inside man.

This is conspiracy at this point, I believe.

She was literally in the Navy. And by that, I mean, Old Navy. And she said…

She said…

Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service. She was like, listen, this is how it works. Like, I did a bunch of corporate training.

There’s a thing called a no chase policy. Like, they… And she, like, ran it down.

She was like, you can take anything you want. They literally can’t chase you out. Telling us all these stories of like, oh, yeah, these people would, like, take all this shit and leave and we would see them and there was nothing we could do.

What did we take from that story? We’re gonna do it too. And so she’s like, this is…

She’s like, this is how you steal from the Gap and I want to let you know that in 2025, this is not going to work because Gap wisened up and there’s a lot of plastic, probably because of what we did that we committed that year.

There’s a lot of plastic security tags or whatever. I also just like, if you are older than 17, please don’t steal anything as a caveat. But they don’t have those like plastic tags on the insides of shirts anymore, that ones that make the thing beep.

Oh, yeah. I haven’t cut one of those off a piece of clothing in a long time, so I’m assuming that those are kind of like a thing of the past. But again, this is 20 years ago.

So she’s like, this is what you do. You collect a lot of like bulky clothes. You collect sweatshirts, jackets.

You’re like going to go get a dressing room. And when no one’s looking, you take bras and the bras are on the hangers and you tuck them in between the shirts and the jackets.

So you’re holding five hangers in your hand, but you actually have seven things in your stack.

You pull the tag off the bra, you shove it behind the mirror in the dressing room, you wear the bras out under your clothes, you come out, none of these things fit me, five hangers, five pieces of clothing, you have two bras on.

No one was like, well, how many bras do you actually need? But it was like, how many bras can you get on? That wasn’t the question.

The question was like, how many bras can you get on under your clothes?

Yeah, how many free bras?

How many free bras can you get?

You’re in a speed run through.

Exactly. You’re in a speed run through the gap.

Trying to get as many bras as you can. And also this is, I believe, the beginning of like gap body, where like gap bras were, like I still wear them too.

I still wear some, not the ones that I’ve taken, but.

Not those ones, but I know I can see the bra. I can see the bra. I know what one you took.

And they weren’t cheap. They weren’t cheap, and they were. That was like a very, that was basically like, to me in the Midwest, it’s like that was Prada.

That was Gucci. No, same.

When they were like, we’re going to the gap, we’re going to the gap? Like what are we going to get the gap? We’re going to afford the gap.

And, you know, as I was preparing to tell you this story, I was like really trying to get back in my head, where I was like, what was I actually thinking?

And I think the answer is like, you really, teenagers just think like nothing bad can happen to them. And I just thought nothing bad would happen to me. Here was this girl, she said she worked at Old Navy.

It’s against, first of all, then I turned it on like the corporation. I’m like, it’s against the law for them to chase me. So hope they don’t try, hope they don’t try anything.

Hope they don’t try chasing me and breaking their own law. Like that’s where I was going with that. I can’t remember if I took anything that first round, but we went back to various gaps.

That whole weekend, we just kept shoplifting. Like it was like one of the nuttiest things that I can remember doing. And the thing is like, you know, I’m two months into my independence.

Like I’m in college, I’m on a bus to my friend in Worcester and I don’t have to ask my mom. Like nine weeks ago, if I wanted to go somewhere, I had to like let my mommy know. And now I could just go to Worcester and shoplift from the Gap.

And that is a big jump and I just skipped right over. I was like, okay, let’s do it. So-

While you’re sleeping on like your friend’s floor and like she’s double swiping you into the cafeteria.

Yes, yes, exactly.

And you’re like hooking up with like the guy down the hallway that your friend already hooked up with.

And he’s so ugly. He’s so ugly.

You’re like, am I attracted to you?

No, do you have a good personality? No. Have I had 12 beers?

Maybe.

Am I wearing six bras? Did I pay for any of them? Like again, like let’s go.

Like, sure, let’s hook up on this.

You can go onto the shirt over the bras.

Over the, I will take off two and I will leave four on. Okay. And that is second base.

And if you want to get through all five bras, you’re going to have to marry me buster. Okay. You’re going to make an honest woman out of me.

So I remember the first time of that weekend, because there were several. Well, I didn’t take anything the first time. That’s what I remember.

Not to absolve me. I was just learning, visual learner.

You were an intern.

I was an intern. I wasn’t ready to commit to this, I didn’t want to stop the steal.

This is, you’re in training right now. I want you to watch and learn, maybe.

I’m a CIT, you can’t arrest me and you can’t chase me. And I learned that. So I watched them do it.

And nothing happened. I held my breath when we walked through the securities. Nothing happened.

And they were like, see, and then we’re in the car and everyone’s taking off their multiple bras and then we just have a pile of bras that we stole in the car. And it was like, you know what?

It was the same feeling you get when you find a $5 bill on the ground and you’re like, well, I guess I’m buying a $70 meal tonight because that works. That’s pretty money, baby. So we were like rich in bras.

So I did it the next time we went out and it worked and nothing happened. And what happened actually was that set off about a year of really insane shoplifting behavior because it was so fun to see what we could get away with. I was far too old.

I was an adult at that point because I had turned 18 three weeks later. But my freshman year and the summer after my freshman year with my friend Lindsay, was like we would go to the mall when we got home from school that summer.

We would go to the mall multiple times a week and just like walk out of stores, like brazen with like bags of stuff. And it was so crazy and and I’m still living under my parents roof in the summer.

And I have, God, I stole a bunch of bathing suits from a store and I had like a new bathing suit on every time my mom saw me go to the pool. She’s like, where are you getting all these bathing suits? I was like, no answer.

Yeah, no answer.

And where are you getting your bathing suits? Yours is cute.

Yeah, Trish, let me turn the question back on you. Where do you get your bathing suits? I really just like didn’t think like anything bad could happen to me.

I knew there must be cameras. The other thing that I learned and it still didn’t stop me was that like an old Navy employee isn’t gonna run after you, but they can alert mall security and that’s who can get you. And that didn’t bother me.

I was just like, what bad could happen? Yeah.

And as an adult, now I’m 38 and I think back on that year in horror because when my brain fully developed, like that impulse control, like even I am so paranoid to this day that when I go into stores that I have stolen something, not knowing I have

stolen something. Like I’m afraid, like I walked into West Elm the other day because I was looking for a specific napkin ring set that they said they had in the store in Dumbo. Bought it and someone was walking out and their alarm went off.

You know, like someone didn’t take off the thing. I thought it was, I’m like, oh my God. I’m like, what did I think I stole from West Elm?

A couch? Like, oh shit, did I steal this couch? Like it still triggers something really, really insane in me.

But got away with a lot for a long time. And this all happened within like nine months. So if I started in November and I ended in August, and the summer came to a close, so this was the summer of 2006.

I was 18. I was in, do you have any questions before I finish my crime story?

All I can say is, the feeling that you have now, that you’ve done something wrong, that you’ve stolen something, I’ve had that my whole life. I’ve been afraid that I accidentally stole something.

Yeah.

And when I was in seventh, sixth or seventh grade, middle school, Catholic middle school, I was, it was absolutely scandalizing. This girl who was so funny. I mean, Caitlin, if you’re out there, you remain.

Like when I think about how funny you were in sixth and seventh, eighth grade, I think this is the funniest woman I’ve ever encountered. And you were a tween. She was so funny.

She got, she got picked up at the Mall of America Sanrio store for stealing.

Sanrio.

This is, this is, this is the beginning.

I only steal cool things, okay? Please.

Like this is the Mall of America at this point, largest mall in America, Mall of America, the American Mall. I mean, it’s hard to overstate how, how this mall.

American this mall is.

How American this mall is, and also what this mall meant to Americans in Minnesota. We said, finally, we’ve got something other than 10,000 effing lakes. We’ve got the world’s biggest or America’s biggest mall.

I don’t know about the world. Who cares about the world? Minnesota is the center of the world.

America’s, this mall is the center of the world. There were so many stores, specialty stores. There were like four or five magnet stores.

There were like three American Eagles at one point. It was, this is the, just, you’ve never seen anything cooler. Yeah, there was a Sanrio store.

And to go there and just browse and see like fully stocked Hello Kitty pencils, all these little tiny itty bitty things, she, I think it was pencils that she stole. This was the rumor, right?

And they took a picture of her and they said, you are banned from Sanrio for life. And at that time, I said, you might as well.

Self-deport, self-deport.

Get out of here.

Kirstie Noem has come in your house. She said, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, self-deport.

I couldn’t believe, I was like, wow, wow, wow.

I was so afraid of doing anything wrong. My, you know, by my, one of my best friends from growing up, Erin Mulcahy, I know Erin. I don’t have to listen to her anymore.

You know, Erin. Erin was accused at Walgreens, which was right next to our grade school. We went there after school to get two for a dollar candy bars and then walked to Erin’s house where her mom, Jan, met us with a pitcher of Kool-Aid.

Like this girl had the life. And this lady who worked at Walgreens stopped her and accused her of stealing. And Erin threw her hands up like this.

Hands up. She goes, I didn’t. I didn’t do it.

I paid for these candy bars. You saw me. I’ve never stolen anything for you.

This woman goes, you’ve been stealing all week. She goes, I’ll go through the lie detector test and keeps walking.

She thought that was a lie detector.

I’ll go through the lie detector. I thought I was going to be in prison for the rest of my life for being near a girl who was accused of stealing. That’s what I thought.

So you’re a better person than me, you know?

I thought, I’m never gonna get out of this.

And to this day, if I hear sirens, I’m like, oh boy, are they coming for me?

Well, same, because I feel like I cheated a life in prison.

Did I kill someone?

My sliding doors. Is that like, why didn’t I get caught? Like, and also, like, were they very aware of us, you know?

And they were just like, it doesn’t matter. Like, they’re stealing, like, 3-cent sweaters from Old Navy.

Did you ever steal performance fleece?

It was the summer.

Oh, duh, yeah, yeah.

It was a lot of meetings.

Even in the winter, even in the dead of winter, you know, you were focused on the gap, not on Old Navy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, like, also at that point, it’s, like…

It was underwear adjacent.

I never, like, walked out with, like, so it was, like, a lot of bathing suits. Intimates.

It was intimates. You were into intimates. And it’s weird that we started this conversation with the OB.

Gentles and now we’re in intimates.

It’s just…

pervert.

I’m into… Intimates. Intuit.

Um, perv. Uh, yeah. You know, I knew that it was wrong.

I knew the difference between right and wrong. And that was not the problem. I loved the thrill.

I think that, like, there were a lot of things that I wouldn’t do. I was a real rule follower. I was…

I had called my mom… I had called my parents multiple times in high school to pick me up from parties. Me too.

That lesson was imparted on me, and I never heard. I was like, it’s like whatever time it is, don’t get in the car with someone drunk. And as an adult, I’m like, yeah, no fucking shit.

But at the time, I’m like, I know I’m a loser for not cheating, for not risking my life, but I’m gonna call my mom. To their credit, never got mad at me. They were just so happy I called.

Oh yeah, that’s good parenting.

I didn’t call my parents over under… I called my parents because I said, this girl’s having a party and her mom left. We’re unsupervised.

We shouldn’t be alone.

Honestly, Rachel G’s third grade birthday party, all 30 girls in our grade, like era class, were there. And we were going to watch Clueless, and I raised my hand and I said, what is this rated? We were in third grade.

And Rachel was like PG-13, and I was like, I’m not allowed to watch it. So we had to watch Coneheads.

And I didn’t…

I was like… And everyone was kind of like… And I was like, Coneheads, sounds cool.

Coneheads is funny.

I think that’s a great third-grade movie. I’m on your side here.

Yeah, thank you. So my spree came to an end at the Urban Outfitters.

Okay.

When I just…

You know, listen, I was getting lazy, okay? I thought, I own this mall. Nothing bad can happen to me.

And it’s when you let your guard down that the guards come out. And they say, ma’am, can we look inside your bag? And I don’t know about warrants, because I’m not paying attention in class, and I’m not really watching SVU yet.

Um, and I was like… I remember I go, yeah, you wouldn’t even have to. Here, I took it.

I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m having…

I’m going through a really hard time. And the guard was like, okay, come with me. Unfortunately, Lindsay was packing.

I took one. I took an $8 necklace from Urban Outfitters, which like…

What?

I wish it was. Hemp? We have hemp at home.

I could make that at home.

People have to remember, at this point in time, they were not making, like, cute accessories. They were… It was like…

And if they were, that would have justified it.

But I was stealing the ugliest shit. I was stealing ugly shit. I was just stealing a steal.

And they took us into a back room, and they made us kind of put every… They, like, emptied our bags. Luckily, I had that one necklace that was at $8.

They’re not… They… I think the cops were like, don’t call us over an $8 necklace.

But they make a big… First of all, everyone watches you get carted into the room. And they take a picture of you with, like, a Nikon Coolpix, essentially.

And they… And I remember the guy goes… He hits it in my face, and he goes, I’m gonna tell you something.

This picture that I just took of you, it’s gonna be in every urban outfitters in America. And when you walk through those doors, they’re gonna know. They’re gonna know that you stole from urban outfitters.

So, Caroline, I’m gonna tell you, you are not allowed to come into an urban outfitters, not just this urban outfitters, any urban outfitters, for five years. And I’m like, uh-huh, uh-huh.

And they’re like, we’re not going to call the police this time. And I later learned it’s because they wouldn’t come. It’s an eight-dollar necklace, so…

They should have called their bluff on that. And they were like, and we’re not gonna call your parents because you’re 18.

And I…

I said, good point. I said, but… And then in my head, I told you this, but in my head, there was a flash of like, do I get to keep the neck?

Like, do I get to the point? Do I get to let me… Is it a prize?

And they said, but rest assured, you try this and again, and you come into this Urban Outfitters, or any Urban Outfitters in America for the next five years, you walk through that door, your picture’s gonna flash on the computer, so all the employees

and they’re gonna know. They’re gonna know. And that’s when we’ll call the police. And I said, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Yeah, uh-huh.

I know.

And they were like, okay. And I could tell, like, you could, now I’m like, oh, they were like laughing at us, you know. Lindsay got the same rundown in the next room.

And they were like, okay, girls.

Oh, they separated you? Smart.

Oh, yeah, exactly. They were like, you’re gonna rat out your friend and we’ll give you a plea deal. Anything else you want?

Yeah. I’ll do it.

I’m gonna give you one chance right now. I’m gonna give you one chance to come clean.

Yeah, exactly. Let’s tell the truth, because we already know. Yeah, we already know.

We got the legal pad right here.

And they said, oh, hey, girls, so you’re gonna go now.

We’re not gonna see you back here. Five years, okay? And I said, make it 15.

I will never walk in an Urban Outfitters again. And actually make it 20. I haven’t.

I walked in an Urban Outfitters maybe in 2021 in LA. And when I tell you that I was holding my breath, because I really thought the facial recognition… Funny of me to think I still look like I did when I was 19 years old.

Flattering myself.

Oh, did you guys not… Did you want to check your facial recognition system? Because…

No, never mind. It’s fine.

It’s fine. I wanted to go up to the counter and go, that’s right, it’s me.

It’s all right.

Yeah. What are you gonna do about it? Because guess what?

It’s been more than five years. It’s hard to believe because it’s only 2010. It’s hard to believe because I look so good.

And you can’t tell.

And I lift up the top of my fedora and I go, it’s me, this criminal. But I have never stolen a thing since. I get sweaty when I hear the beep go off.

Lindsay did not stop though. I think that’s an important thing. Good for her.

I said, this life is not for me, Lindsay. I said, you got me, you know, my mom used to call her, even in high school, and this does not absolve me of my crimes at all, but she was like, she’s one of your bad influence friends.

Like she was the one, like when Lindsay was around, I got into trouble. My parents never found out about this unless they did, and they’re like, yeah, we obviously know. We’re not idiots, but I don’t think they know.

But what’s funny, like I’ve met a bunch of women as I make friends in this story.

There’s always that moment where like a group of girls having dinner or whatever, and if you’re talking about like the olden days or whatever, it’s like, wait, did you ever go through, like, you either went through a shoplifting phase or you didn’t,

I didn’t, I didn’t, I would have been, I would, that would have, that would have sent me, but.

Yeah, but I sure did.

Speaking on this topic, I realized that I, listening to you talk about this, remembering Erin and the lie detector test, I remembered that actually I was involved in a petty crime ring in middle school.

We killed a man.

I was like, wait, you did? Wait, okay, say more. Hear for it.

We, that Walgreens, this is, and this is, this is a crime against Walgreens.

This is a crime against the Pepsi Cola company. This is a crime against, I believe, society. And so I’m ready.

I’m ready to talk about this. And I think I’ve actually told the story on Scam Goddess, but I don’t think I’ve told it here.

I might have told it in a live show, but if so, deal with it.

I don’t know that I know this about you in general. This might be a new to me story about you.

This is in middle school. Again, our middle school, our grade school, the school is right next to a Walgreens. That place is, once they closed the Rexall Drugs and put in a Starbucks where, this is before Starbucks had to-go cups.

They didn’t even serve, their hot chocolate was like, it was like Ghirardelli, like unsweetened. I don’t know, it was just like, it was not, we didn’t like coffee, right?

It’s like, they only had biscotti, like hard ass cookies to dip in what an Americano, just no. So Walgreens was like the place, right? Again, yeah, like two for one, two for a dollar candy bars.

Like this is the nineties. So at the time, Mountain Dew is doing this promotion for 20 ounce bottles. Mountain Dew at the time is a drug to us at this school.

We’re not allowed to have soda. There’s a soda machine in the, the nuclear fallout shelter basement gym below our school, where sodas are like 15 and then 25 cents and maybe 50 by the time we graduate. Inflation much.

We’re not allowed to go there, right? That’s for like, if people are using that like recreationally.

Teachers with problems.

Teachers, maybe. But no, you’re not, there’s no soda at the school. You’re kidding me.

So that’s like, at one point, one of the cool kids in our class, he starts bringing like 12 packs of Mountain Dew, hiding them in his locker, selling them, and we would shotgun them behind his locker door.

Because we heard a rumor that Mountain Dew has like three times the caffeine of other sodas. Mountain Dew is a drug. We’re like, we’re going to get stuck.

It’s just like a thousand grams of sugar.

Yeah, let’s get fucked up on this Mountain Dew.

Yeah, I love Mountain Dew. I do the dew all the time.

I do the dew. I really do.

I do. I do. And honestly, even just talking about it, I do love Mountain Dew.

And I might get myself a Mountain Dew and a Doritos Locos Taco for lunch today.

My God, that sounds amazing.

It sounds so good. It sounds so good. So they have this promo for 20 ounce bottles of Mountain Dew.

You buy them and it’s like, you have the chance. You can like, you unscrew the cap. Within the cap, it says either you like win nothing or you win one free 20 ounce Mountain Dew.

That’s what we’re, we’re out there. We’re at this Walgreens buying every, you know, 20 ounce Mountain Dew.

There’s gotta be a winner in here.

Hoping for a winner.

There’s gotta be a winner.

Ryan, one of the Ryans, there’s several. So, you know, if you know the class of, you know, 1997 from Annunciation Catholic School, it could be any of these Ryans, right?

Yeah.

He discovers that, you know, you pull off the little rubber gasket that’s on top of the inside of the cap, you know, and that’s blue.

You pull that off, there’s, like, a piece of paper in there, and that’s what the little, you know, you want is printed on. It’s printed on, like, a little piece of paper.

He figures out the font, uses our Apple IIe computers in the computer lab to type up, you know, you want a free 20-ounce Mountain Dew, messes with the font size, you know, cuts it out, figures out how to put it, you know, back in the bottle.

Oh, the color’s not quite right. Color’s not quite right. You actually have to color that paper with a yellow highlighter first, cut it out.

We were, there was, like, a production line at one point of us creating free Mountain Dew winner caps that we cashed in at the Walgreens. Every cap was a winner.

You pulled off a heist! I just stole a cap. You did a heist!

It was a heist. Oh, my God!

It was a heist. It was a heist. And you know what?

I am impressed. Hugh is very into heists. He asked me to write a heist movie for kids, and I think we just did it.

I think we just did it. Write it.

You lived it, sister. Oh, my God.

You lived it?

How many Mountain Dews did you get out of this whole thing?

It had to be dozens. It had to be dozens.

And you would just exchange them at that Walgreens, or would you hit?

That Walgreens.

Just that Walgreens. Just that Walgreens. And this is like, they’re none the wiser.

I mean, we’re in there all the time, like, you know, and we’re all cashing in.

That’s really crazy.

It was crazy.

And it’s crazy that you would sit here and say, I have never stolen anything, when it’s, you actually have, you’re a thief, you’ve stolen many Mountain Dews. You were just doing free Mountain Dew. And that, like, the labor of the…

But here’s the thing, here’s the thing.

I don’t think I ever cashed them in. I was in production. I was, I mean, I benefit.

Did I drink a stolen Mountain Dew? Yeah, I know I did. I know I did.

Oh, my God, you’re even dorkier than I thought.

No, but I’d send someone else in to do it.

I’d send someone else in to take the fall for sure. And, yeah, that is stealing, I believe. That is stealing.

That is really funny.

That is stealing.

And so I apologize to Walgreens and the Pepsi Company. And honestly, maybe this is why Walgreens has everything in their store now behind locked doors.

You gotta wander.

Can’t get a cotton round at Walgreens without pushing a doorbell and having someone unlock them. You wanna know why? Us.

Us. That was us.

So, yeah. Anthropology has a security guard at the front of their doors, and I won’t go in there because I think they’re there for me.

Probably.

I’m like, they put them in after Caroline Moss stole those two bras.

He’s probably wearing the Meta AI glasses, and he’s scanning.

He said, he said, I see you’re scanning. I love the fact that you guys probably, from a labor perspective, probably did a good, you know, oh, how much does it cost to create each, like, fake cap? Like $11 in labor and parts.

Okay, but you get a 99-cent soda out of it. It’s the principle of the thing. Makes tons of sense to me.

It’s the principle, and it just, yeah, it was, it felt like so genius.

I mean, it was such good teamwork, and like, that’s just, it was so industrious. Like, what an industrious group of kids.

It really is. It’s kind of wild.

I don’t remember anyone getting caught. I feel like, hold on, I’m going to text the group chat from Grade School Lindsay.

Only you. I mean, I have a group having a Grade School. I do not talk to Lindsay anymore.

She and I did not, we parted ways.

It’s hard, it costs money to call someone in prison.

That’s right. Well, we actually really did part ways after the Urban Outfitters experience because I was like, it did not deter her. She was like, thank gosh, right?

Thank gosh, thank God, right? Like, see you next week at the mall. And I was like, Lindsay, I can’t live this life anymore.

The big thing right now in New York, it’s really crazy, and I think it’s always been a thing, but it comes back into vogue every few years.

There’s more and more, is subway surfing. So kids riding the top of subways. I mean, that’s nothing like stealing a bra from the gap.

But I also relate to, you just think, when you’re 14, nothing bad can happen to you. Yeah. And it makes me so sad.

You think you’re invincible. And that was me just running through the gap with my arms full of intimates, being like, I will see you guys later. I’ll be back and you’ll see me.

It’s not enough.

Say goodbye to these.

Yeah. I’m going to bind these titties down with multiple bras from your wonderful establishment and happy holidays.

You walk out with tote bags that are empty.

You walk out with top bags.

I mean, honestly, yes, it was sort of like the year of trying to think of like, yeah, kind of, I mean, really.

Kind of.

I brought my own bags. I’m undoing them in an Ikea bag and I’m just like, yeah. That’s why when I saw that-

I brought my own bags.

I actually brought my own bags. So you were actually eco-friendly, right? I have to keep this out of the landfill.

You know what they do with bras that don’t sell?

Yeah. Circular economy, baby.

They slash them in the dumpster. Yeah. I’m actually, I don’t know, I’m really-

it’s a victimless crime and I-

I do think that me taking a bra from the gap is a victimless crime, absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah.

But it was so stressful for me to do that as sport for as long as I did. Like that was a very long like eight or nine months.

That’s- I mean, I truly, I kind of can’t believe that you were able to do it that long. That’s like kind of-

I mean, it wasn’t like every day, but yeah, it was my whole hobby.

And I was like, I was going back to UMass being like, look what they taught me how to do and what’s her. I’m like, look what I learned in the big city, everyone. You won’t believe this, buddy.

Yeah.

It was bad.

You won’t believe this.

No, no, no. Yeah, I’m impressed with you.

Okay, are you ready to hear and review some petty crimes?

Beyond.

Okay.

Hi, I was calling about the prompt about petty theft. This happened in probably 1987. I was in second grade and our bus driver held up a gorgeous plastic pink and purple purse and asked if anyone had lost it.

And I just was overcome with compulsion to have it. And I said it was mine and I took it home with me. It was purple and had pink piping.

And then of course, my mom was like, where did you get this purse? Because you’re eight and can’t procure items on your own.

And I made up another story about how the woman who comes to Circle Time was cleaning out her daughter’s things and offered them to us, which was an insane story. And I just, the lies kept piling on top of each other.

And as an oldest child, you can imagine that the guilt ate me for years. I never used that purse ever. I think I buried it in the yard and it was like the telltale heart.

And I just could not get over the fact that I had done that and never fessed up to it. But it has haunted me to this day and I’m 47 years old. So it was a short lived life of crime and not worth the stress and the guilt that came along with it.

But I’ve never wanted anything like I wanted that purse. And it just had to be mine. That’s my story.

Take care, bye.

The Telltale Heart Purse.

I’m in shock. A woman came to story time after cleaning out her daughter’s closet and started giving us stuff. It’s the funniest part of the…

And then the old woman came into circle time and she said, I’ve just found myself passing through and I have something from my daughter’s closet. And would you like a purse?

The thing is, I know the texture that she’s talking about.

Me too.

And I want to eat it. I would have had a hard time not just do it. I would have been like, I need that.

I need that. I covet it. I covet that experience, that feeling, that smell, to this day.

Like a macro plastic heart shaped purse. You also know you can never bring it to school. You can never actually enjoy it.

Because the owner rides your bus.

Is that your school? The owner raised her hand too late that day. She’s like, I guess it’s not my purse.

It’s her purse.

I guess we both have the same purse.

And then the woman came into storytime and said, my daughter’s closet needs cleaning out. Would you like a purse?

I need you to take this, little girl. I need you to understand that this purse belongs to you.

Like, that’s, I don’t know.

Where do you fall on it? It’s not a victimless crime?

It’s definitely not a victimless crime. It’s really funny. It’s not heinous because of the age.

It’s like she was so young. Yeah. Okay.

Four Hail Marys, one Our Father, and a three-hours community service.

You have to do something more ecologically sound because you buried a macroplastic.

You got to dig it up and wear it for a year as your number one purse. Make it get its… That purse did not get created to be buried in your lawn because you feel guilty.

Wear it for a year. You’re 47. Wear the heart-shaped purse.

Wear it also for the group.

You do need to devote some time on eBay, on Etsy trying to find this 1987 purple and pink plastic children’s heart-shaped purse.

Agree. Yeah.

I need to feel it. I need to see it.

I also would say it’s the holiday season. Go find a Toys for Tots box and put a really cool purse. Like for a kid in the Toys for Tots box.

Go to a story time and say, I have a daughter and I’ve been cleaning out her closet. I’ve been cleaning out her yard and I dug this up.

You’re going to get lead poisoning and you’ll be dead within eight years, but it’ll be worth it because look at this bag. It’s beautiful. Bottega.

Bottega makes it. It’s Louis Vuitton. It’s Prada.

You have to go to a story time and say, have any of you lied to your parents about getting an item?

Anyone? Tell them I gave it to you. Tell them I gave it to you.

Here’s my number. Okay.

I will back you up. Have your mom call me. Yeah.

I was at story time. How did I get through the door? Don’t ask me.

Don’t ask me. Wow.

Okay.

I love that.

So good.

Hi, Nora and team. I saw your Instagram post asking for stories of petty crimes that you’ve committed, and I have too. I’m going to go by my nickname rather than my actual name.

I’m JJ, and I am a doctoral student. Throughout grad school, I started, I went straight into my doctoral program out of undergrad, so my brain was probably not fully developed at this point. But before I turned 25, I was determined to commit a crime.

I say this because if you know me, you know that I don’t even jaywalk. I grew up to very much a role follower, very much a people pleaser, was so afraid of breaking rules.

Throughout grad school, I don’t know, I just had this moment where I was like, you know what, I think it’d be really, really fun to break a rule or commit a crime. Before I turned 25, about three months beforehand, I realized time was ticking.

I said that I have to do it before I turn 25 because then I can blame it on my frontal lobe not being developed enough. So I finally settled on vandalism and decided to vandalize the dumpster at my apartment complex.

I asked lots of people for their opinions about what crime I should do, and we all agree that vandalism seems like the one that was most accessible to me. So I got some spray paint and I went and I spray painted a smiley face on the dumpster.

And I felt like the biggest rebel in the world absolutely loosened the shackles of rule following for me. So that was my first petty crime.

Okay, I just have to pause this because… I asked everybody I knew, is this a good crime? I called my mom and I said, if you were going to do like, smiley face or like, something else, what would you pick?

Just hypothetical, victimless crime, absolute. I’m going to buy spray paint, I’m going to spray paint a smiley face on the garbage spot. Don’t worry, I’ve already asked, I’m a doctor.

Everyone, I already asked, don’t worry, I already asked everyone, they said this was a good idea. No one will know.

I already asked the guy who owns the dumpster, he said he doesn’t care.

Oh, I love this so much. He actually came with me.

I gotta get it soon before I have a frontal lobe. Okay, every day it’s developing more, I have to get this permanent now.

On my 26th birthday, the lobe will be complete and I will not be able to do it, and I will paint a frowny face on the dumpster. And everyone will know.

And I’ll know it’s wrong. And I will be held accountable for my crimes when I turn myself in.

That is so funny. Oh my God. Okay.

Victimless crime. That’s hilarious.

This is the most, and it’s like, to me, this is like, we’re never going to see something more strategic than this. This is, it’s poetic in a lot of ways. So I’m ready for number two.

The second is that I had an advisor who was incredibly difficult to work with, incredibly demoralizing, regularly called me stupid.

And I decided that I didn’t know, I don’t know if this is necessarily a crime, maybe it’s a gift, who knows. But for about a year, I was like 48 weeks, right? I went and I left.

Forty-eight weeks is so specific.

Maybe it was like, oh, it was a Wednesday.

Yeah.

Forty-eight Wednesdays, okay.

I left him a bag of cat litter just on his sidewalk outside of his house.

Wait, did you hear that?

A bag of what?

Cat litter.

It really made me feel a lot better about. I left him a bag of cat litter just on his sidewalk outside of his house. It really made me feel a lot better about everything.

It didn’t fix the problem. I ended up having to change advisors. But it was a good way to express my irritation.

I don’t know if that’s technically a crime, but it feels like a crime. So those are my two stories.

You bought him cat litter multiple times. Whoever this is, I’m obsessed with you. I don’t think leaving a bag of cat litter enclosed in its bag on a stoop is a crime.

It’s probably a little annoying if you don’t have a cat. If you do have a cat, you’ve just saved someone like $26. But I love that it made you feel better.

It’s like, at most you confused him.

Yeah.

Which I love, because I mean, in a way that’s almost psychological warfare.

To be like-

A little bit. Like someone’s leaving cat litter on my- Every week.

Yeah, every week.

And I don’t know how much cat litter costs. Is that expensive?

I mean, everything’s expensive, right? Wait, this reminds me of a crime that I used to do. Can I tell you?

Yes, please.

So if a boy really pissed off one of my friends, like my friends went through a bad breakup, if there was a cheating, this was a little bit right after college.

When everyone started getting smartphones, so like 2010, 2011-ish, and Craigslist was still really big, we every time, like my friend’s ex-boyfriend would like cheat on her, so we would list an iPad for sale on Craigslist with his phone number, and

he would just get fucking blown up on Craigslist, on his phone for like weeks. Is iPad still available? Is iPad still available? Do you still have the iPad?

That is truly victimous crime. A, men can’t be victims, grow up. And then B, it’s just like, what are you going to do?

You know, and this was the days before like spam, and like people know how to ignore spam. So like your phone always has like sound on, so this like, oh, constantly like ding ding ding. I don’t have an iPad!

I don’t have an iPad!

That’s not my number! And we were going bananas for iPads at that point in time. We were going-

Yes, it was like the first generation iPad.

Everyone wants to play Words With Friends on the iPad.

Yes.

Anyway, that was one of my favorite crimes.

I don’t remember what you could do on an iPad. I just remember like, I gotta get an iPad. I gotta get an iPad.

I got an iPad.

That was cybercrime.

That was a cybercrime, I’m proud of you.

Remember when they announced iPads and everyone was like, oh, like an eye tampon? Get it? iPad, tampon.

Yeah, I guess.

People are so stupid.

I know, it was just a different time.

It was, it was a dumber time.

Okay. It was a dumber time. Well, I don’t know, we’re living in a pretty dumb time.

1:17:00
Listener Crimes Part 2

Most people texted in, I think, because they’re afraid.

Yeah.

And I understand why.

So this person wrote in, my girlfriend and I have a regular oops at Target Self Checkout. It started as an accident and now turned into a competition who can forget the most expensive item. I have to say, proceed with caution to this one.

This is a crime of foolishness. Target is watching facial recognition.

They literally have screens on you.

They are cameras everywhere, cameras everywhere. You think you’re getting away with it. Now, once you exceed $500, they’re coming for you.

They’re coming for you and they’re calling the cops, baby. They are, and they’re going to prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law, which I gotta say. I gotta say, here’s the thing.

You don’t want that. You don’t want that. And also, like, Target grow up.

Like, Walgreens grow up.

Target, fuck off.

Yeah. Like, it’s… Loss prevention is built into your business plan.

Like, it just is. Like, loss, a certain amount of loss is built in your business plan. You have insurance for, like, major…

Like, get a grip. Get a grip. What are you even doing?

Why are you locking up deodorant? Like, it’s just, it’s so unpleasant to shop, and it’s not because people are, like, swiping, you know, like a lipstick here and there. Like, get a grip.

But don’t do this. Don’t do this. Don’t steal from Target.

Do they know this is bad or…?

I think they think it’s just a victimless crime.

And it is. It’s a victimless crime.

It is until it’s, until you’re the victim.

Warning, warning, warning.

You gotta stop doing this.

Don’t steal from Target.

Don’t ruin your life. Don’t steal from Self-Checkout. I watched someone get in trouble for stealing from Self-Checkout at Whole Foods the other day.

And it’s like, yeah, I agree with stealing from Whole Foods. Like, who fucking cares? Like, Amazon needs more money.

But they are watching you. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. You can’t do it.

No, no.

And also I just I don’t like so I don’t want to do Self-Checkout.

Why am I working?

I’m the customer. Why am I at work right now? Why am I taking someone’s job and paying for it?

Like, no, I want chit chat. I want human interaction. I don’t want to wait in a line to be like, is this one of the…

Trader Joe’s will never make me do Self-Checkout.

No, no, no, they won’t.

And I live for a Trader Joe’s like chit chat. Okay, you read the next one. I just texted it to you.

Oh, okay, oh God, don’t steal from…

Don’t steal from Self-Checkout. Don’t do it.

Don’t do it.

In college, my friends and I would steal underwear slash lingerie, intimates, from Victoria’s Secret during the semi-annual sale.

They always had the theft prevention tags off during the sale to make Checkout quicker, and we’d just go into the dressing room with a huge bag full of lingerie and layer on maybe four Teddys with six… I’m telling you, this is a thing.

I wasn’t like the only one doing it. We would layer on four Teddys, three bras, six pairs of underwear, put our clothes back on over everything and walk out, then we’d have a lingerie party to celebrate not getting arrested.

Okay, the area code is 402. What area code is that? It’s Western Massachusetts, I bet.

Just kidding.

But let’s see.

Where is it? Nebraska?

Nebraska.

Ooh, okay.

I love it. This is like hands across the world. This is hands across the world.

Hands across America. People touching people. Just touching titties because it’s layered under like 9,000 bras.

And I’m telling you, like, yeah, we’ll just go into the dressing room and put on bulk ass lingerie and walk out. And that was true about the thing.

The Victoria Secret sale is so evocative because just the presence of those wedge.

Five for 20, yeah.

The cardboard wedges on the round table that are supposed to be organized by size. No, they’re not. People are, yeah, just handfuls of underwear, handfuls of bras.

The free plasticky tote that you would get.

And then there were some years where the girls would just carry that to school every day and I’d be like, oh yeah.

That’s right, I’m wearing underwear.

Guys, I’m wearing a bra.

Thank you. I bought some underwear. I bought five for 20.

That’s right.

That’s right. And I was like, me too.

It’s called Haines Her Way. Yeah, it’s called my first thong. Remember that episode of Pen 15 where they share a thong?

I have to tell you a very similar story.

Oh, okay.

No, did you and Erin Mulcahy share a thong? Did you?

I wish.

Intimate.

I wish.

It’s so.

You’re intimates. Intimates.

Everything. Like, I think I love Pen 15 so much because it’s so real. And Matthew’s like, I have a hard time watching this.

And I was like, what if you lived it?

What if? He has no idea. First of all, Matthew’s what?

A thousand years old? A thousand years old.

He’s an older man. He doesn’t know.

He gets so mad when he remembers that he and I are 10 years apart.

Oh God.

He does not like that.

You’re going to love this one. Okay.

Can I read it? Can I be the one that reads it?

Yes.

Okay. I want to find out in real time. Petty crimes.

I don’t know if this counts as a petty crime, but my wedding venue was never paid for. There was a big family drama on my wedding day, which I think resulted in forgetting to hand over the actual check. It was never asked for.

On top of the wedding coordinator, it was newer. We got an email about it a month later and promised to send it in, but hashtag ADHD and never did and never heard from them again. It feels scandalous.

We’ve never told a soul. Congrats on getting the secret. We’ve thought about it many times that we should just do the right thing and send it in, but also why.

It’s been so long. The money’s a big wash for them, but it’s significant to us. It’s been an investment in the account and growing, so not only did we not pay, we’ve been making money off of not paying.

It feels illegal, but I think good for us. I also think to think that maybe the poor wedding coordinator took big sympathy on us and was like, you know what, never mind.

Wow.

Yeah, that’s a crime.

Victimless crime. Victimless crime. As long as the vendors got paid.

Yeah, and I’m sure they did.

I’m sure they did, or they’d be coming back to you for the money, you know?

My guess is someone paid for this venue and this person just doesn’t know about it. You don’t like not follow up about a wedding venue payment. That’s like $10,000, $15,000, $20,000, depending on where you are, how many people you had.

Like, they’re not like letting it go. So I need them to look into that more. But the fact that they have that amount in an account and it’s just collecting like dividends is so funny to me.

I love it.

I love it. But yeah, you’re probably right. I didn’t think of that, but that’s like a mom, an uncle.

Someone called in and was like, let me just take care of this. And just did it in like that angelic way where they didn’t tell anybody and did not think, I’m doing this for a person who will then attempt to double pay.

Or who will be conflicted and think of a double pay.

Right. But in the off chance that like this really never went paid, more power to you. Because weddings are expensive.

Yeah, they are.

They are. And not mine, but other people’s are, okay? No.

Two for under $10,000.

Three.

Aaron and I had a little second wedding in the summer for people who couldn’t make it to the first. So yeah, so not bad.

I recently found out that my 30-year-old husband has been straight up taking the Tabasco bottles from Chipotle every time he goes, four question marks, like the whole bottle into his bag, even if there’s just one out.

And then sometimes he just throws it away, even if it isn’t empty? Our fridge is not full of Tabasco bottles, so I don’t know where they go or why he needs to pocket the whole bottle in his bag. Maybe not a crime, but definitely petty to me.

It’s actually both, so.

It’s both.

Maybe not a crime.

Your husband’s stealing from Chipotle. And this is where I draw the line. We don’t steal from Chipotle, okay?

I don’t know why, but no.

I don’t know why, but also.

A man can’t steal. Only women can do crimes. A man can’t do a crime.

Crimes are not for men. Crimes are not for men.

Crimes are for women and children only. And we have said that, okay?

Death sentence.

You have to talk to him.

He gets the chair.

Taken the only Tabasco bottle that’s out is antisocial. That’s antisocial.

Coming home and then throwing it away is so funny.

Throwing it away is very funny. And also, do you think I’m… What do you think food waste wakes up in this Midwesterner?

Panic.

A lot.

Panic. I just threw away something, a bottle of… We don’t need to say what it was.

It was in our fridge. And I was like, oh, you know, maybe let’s clean out the fridge. 2022.

2022. I held on to it. I said, you know, who knows?

Who knows? It’s time to go. It’s time to go.

A fresh bottle of something? I can’t throw it away. All of a sudden, we’d be eating Tabasco for every meal.

Absolutely.

And your kids would just die. I mean, your kids, their Constitution is not made for Tabasco. When I worked at BuzzFeed, like two or three times a week, they would have lunch catered for us.

This was the time when the venture capital was high and morale was low. And there were four different stations, so like four restaurants would come in and cater, and it was really fun. This was just a better time in life.

And you were entitled, as an employee, to one lunch, okay? It was an honor system. Okay.

And, you know, there was always a taco or burrito stand. There was always like the salad got placed, like fresh or whatever. And then sometimes there would be a Greek, sometimes there would be, I don’t know, whatever.

And I swear to God, like once every three weeks, what would happen is like you’d go downstairs, you’d get your lunch, you’d eat your lunch.

And then especially like, and I don’t blame them, the younger employees, the ones who like don’t have any money and aren’t getting paid fairly by the company, would like come back downstairs and do like another, like another run through at like a

different station. And then they would take that lunch upstairs and like put it in the fridge and be like, this is what I’ll eat tomorrow.

And they never wanted to like police it to the point where it’s like you have a ticket that you have to like put in.

But like management would have to send an email like every three days or like every week or so that’s like, hey, just a reminder, you only got one lunch, one lunch only. But no one would listen and there would just be kids. Yeah, going through that.

But I’m like, you’re 22 and like you work for a company that’s not going to pay you fairly. So like, yeah, take a lot of kind bars and like get an extra sandwich, okay?

Yeah, you’re hungry.

You’re hungry.

Okay, sorry. Sorry, we’re trying to get fed. Okay.

Yeah, sorry, I’m trying to sustain myself.

We didn’t even get free hot dogs.

No, definitely not.

Only the ones that fell on the floor.

Not even those. I don’t know who they gave those to. They were probably eating them.

If you worked in the concession stand, you were on a different level, like for sure. I love that. I’m sure they were double dealing themselves all the time.

Not to the lifeguards. No, they weren’t.

In middle school, I went through a pretty intense kleptophase, mostly small things like jewelry, nail polish, et cetera. But my most memorable and deeply embarrassing moment came from a church trip during a church trip of all things.

We went to Minneapolis to volunteer with Operation Christmas Child, packing shoeboxes full of gifts for kids around the world. That was such a thing, like these national shoeboxes.

One night, after we finished volunteering, our group went to the Mall of America. And my best friend and I decided it would be a great idea to steal thongs from Jilly Hicks. Another intense moment!

As we walked out, one of the store employees followed us to confront us. Sorry, I’m not speaking English today. They had a chase policy, apparently.

Jilly Hicks said, we’re chasing, and we’ll never apologize for it. But my friend spotted a family friend, because of course, Minnesota is a small world. And we launched in this fake oh hi conversation, pretending to not notice the employee.

And somehow miraculously, we spotted a man with a gun, and we said, oh hi. Somehow miraculously, she backed off and left us alone. It was such a small thing, but I still cringe thinking about it.

There we were on a church trip about generosity and service, stealing thongs. A teenage girl, a girl under the age of 20, cannot resist a thong, a bra, a teddy, a brief, a boy short, a cheeky, a low-rise, a cotton. It cannot be done.

You see it and you say, that’s so small. I could crumple that up in my hand. I could put it on over my underwear that I have on now, and I could walk out of this door.

What are they gonna do? Ask me to take my pants off? The logic is airtight.

I get it. It’s like, what is this man at the Gap going to ask me, a 16-year-old, to do? Lift my shirt up?

I don’t think so, okay? Stranger danger. Only…

that’s gonna make a horrible joke. Only other people can ask me to take my shirt up. Every girl who sees a thong and says, it’s mine, and it will be mine, and this will be up my ass crack soon enough.

Jilly Hicks, The Gap, Victoria’s Secret, okay? You know what? Can we ask a follow-up?

Can we do a follow-up episode? Yeah. I’m declaring it.

If you worked for a store at the mall in the 2000s, we wanna hear your stories of the shoplifting that you knew was happening, that you couldn’t do anything about, because we know that there is lore, okay?

We wanna hear Petty Crimes, part two, the other side of the crime, because I wanna hear about, like, oh, we, like, there’s no way that there’s people, regulars, right? Like, there’s like, oh, look who’s here.

Like, she’s gonna come, she’s gonna open her tote bag and go like this, and all the sweater, you know, and then walk out and she’s gonna think, we don’t know. And we used to call her, like, little Shirley Steals a lot.

And I want, can we do, can you do an episode like that? And can I come back for it? Nora.

Yes, yes.

And also, if you are this manager from Jilly Hicks, who followed two girls, two thongs stealing from middle schoolers.

You are brave.

And then got, that was also, people out here, our listeners are doing psychological warfare. Just seeing a family friend talking to them as though this other woman doesn’t exist.

Right. Not only am I going to steal your thongs, but I’m going to make you feel so small. I’m going to ignore you.

You’re nothing to me. You’re nothing to me. I don’t even see you.

You’re vapor. You’re vapor. You’re air.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Are there more?

Okay. This, yes.

Okay.

Okay, so I’m going to read you two that are in the same, like, font, okay?

Okay. Okay.

My ex-boyfriend and I had a Home Chef account set up that had his credit card set up as payment. The subscription had been paused for years, and I randomly decided to give it a try again. My new boyfriend and I enjoyed many delicious free meals.

Victimless crime.

Victimless crime.

100%.

Men cannot be victims or criminals. It’s fine.

If a man does a crime, no. No. That’s for women and children.

Why isn’t he checking his credit card statement?

That’s his fault.

That’s his fault. That’s his fault. The card did eventually expire.

But it felt nice to eat at my ex’s dime for a bet. Okay. When I was in high school, my friend’s boyfriend cheated on her, so we went out at 2 a.m.

and put nails underneath all of the tires on his beloved truck so he would get a flat as soon as he started to drive away the next morning. And then this face. I don’t know how old this person is.

I bet that they are of an age where they heard Carrie Underwood. I wasn’t into the stereo. That wouldn’t make any sense.

When is it?

Popped a hole in all four tires.

That’s what, they were inspired by Carrie Underwood.

Before he cheats.

I’m gonna save a little trouble for the next girl.

That’s, okay, so Carrie Underwood texted that in, and that’s…

She said, and now I’m Carrie Underwood. Who’s a criminal now? Again, men cannot be victims, men cannot be criminals.

It is a victimless crime. It is a criminalist crime. If you get a man to commit a crime for you, they can be prosecuted.

You cannot be. You are just the boss.

We’ve watched enough Law and Order. We would know.

I absolutely know it. Yeah, that’s right.

Going out at 2 a.m. in high school, that’s a bold thing. I would be deep in a REM cycle.

I wouldn’t have been able to do that.

Okay. Beyond.

Okay, this is my peer. This next one’s my peer in so many ways.

This is someone you know?

No, but this is the year. If I saw this happen, I would have ratted. I would have ratted.

You would have ratted. I would have nirked this person out. I would have said, this is the worst thing anyone has ever done.

I can’t believe this person has the goal to do this.

Yes, okay.

I stole a What Would Jesus Do bracelet from a vendor at the National Catholic Youth Conference in 1997. What would Jesus do? You’re like, I need a reminder of what Jesus would do.

So I’m gonna steal this bracelet.

But honestly- And then if you get caught, you’re like, I do need this, clearly.

Obviously I need it more than you, but also I think that Jesus would say, why are there money lenders inside the temple? The temple being a National Catholic Youth Conference. Why are you selling merch at the National Catholic Youth Conference?

Maybe these bracelets that cost like less than one penny to produce, maybe they should be free.

I’m having a little trouble with this one because I don’t believe in stealing from a vendor. Like, did he make the bracelet? Oh my God, can you imagine?

No, he bought them wholesale.

Wholesale from Alibaba because he’s Whitney Rose, whole of the entity.

In 1997, yeah, if I saw this, I would have said, they stole the bracelet.

I saw them, I saw them, that bracelet was stolen and I would have, yeah.

I think, again, three Hail Marys won our father in a couple of hours community services. That’s it. Jesus would do is like, he wouldn’t steal the bracelet.

Let’s start there. That’s hard, yeah.

It’s hard. It’s hard.

Hello, I’m responding to stealing stories. I love that it was like petty crimes and everyone’s like stealing story.

I stole a Revlon lipstick, possibly in the color Rum Raisin, when I was in fourth grade from Boyd’s Drug Mart in Rapid City where I grew up. I was obsessed with having lipstick of my own and I would wear it around my bedroom before I went to bed.

I still remember how guilty and terrible I felt stealing. I was so convinced I was going to get caught by the police or my mom would find it.

She never did, but two years ago, I was at Boyd’s and the overwhelming wave of anxiety and dread washed over me.

I left $5 in the Revlon makeup area hoping to appeal to whatever entity was calling me out for harming our local mom and pop establishment back in 1985.

The same year I stole a condom, still in the wrapper from the neighbor’s house, so I was babysitting and hid it in my piggy bank. I would take it out for friends. It felt like the most scandalous item I could ever put.

I stole a condom and when my friends come over, I would say, this is a condom and it’s mine. You can’t be piggy banking. Gather around, ye friends.

This is the tale of the condom. I love leaving $5 in the Revlon area. I do think she probably should have adjusted for inflation.

What $5 is going to get you?

Now, lipstick is like $11 or $12, even at the drugstore.

Yes. Get it together, but I do think stealing a condom from the couple that you babysit for is diabolical and kind of like the beginning of a weird porn. I think that is actually the weirder crime here.

You should feel weirder about that. No, I love that so much. I’ve kept it in my piggy bank and I would show it to people.

Sure. But this is exactly the kind of kid I was. I wasn’t stealing a condom because I desperately wanted to have sex or had the opportunity to.

I wasn’t like, oh my god. I was like, my boyfriend and I want to have sex. We’re so young.

None of us are comfortable buying condoms, so I’m going to steal from the family I babysit for. I’m going to steal this condom. I’m going to put it in my room and when my friends come over, I’m going to say, this is a condom and I have it.

It’s in my house and I have it, it’s mine, this is my condom.

It’s in my house.

The thing is, a fourth grader babysitting nowadays, people would say, neglect, in the 80s, 90s, even the 2000s.

That’s a crime.

Oh, absolutely.

That’s the real crime. People were leaving you alone with their children when you yourself were a child.

When I was growing out of my baby body, and you got your actual teen puberty fat on you, my mom took us to meet a pediatrician, and it’s the way that every kid was treated in the 90s. It’s like, oh, she’s fat. It’s like, yeah.

My pediatrician told my mom to just drop me off on the street, two miles from home, and say, should I just walk home to get your workout in? Like on the side of the road. We didn’t live in like a quaint town.

No.

I’d be like walking highway adjacent.

Yeah. And if you did that today, you dropped like a 10-year-old on the street.

Prison.

Prison.

Literally prison. You’d be, yeah. Yeah, and so Trish…

I have the bones to make with you, Mommy.

Last night…

Trish, you better watch out, okay? What we’re saying is…

I gotta tell you, have you ever called 911 before?

Yes, yeah.

Okay. Have you ever called it for anything that didn’t have to do with you? Just an accident that you were witnessing?

Yeah. Last night, I was in the car. I was driving.

My friend Isabel and I were taking a little joyride around Brooklyn and we, and Lottie, Lottie was there. And we witnessed a car accident and we called 911 and 911 was so mean to us. It was jarring.

They were like, can you see the victim? And we were like, well, we know that he’s still on the floor. And they’re like, I’m asking, he goes, I’m asking you simple questions here.

Can you see the victim? Like mean. And I said, do your own fucking job.

I’m not doing this. Yeah.

Oh God. Yeah. I’ve had a call about accidents.

We have the gnarliest accidents in Phoenix. Like if they took all the money they’re spending, we live in a lawless land. All the money, they gave I think over 100 million to the Phoenix Police Department, put it into simple traffic control.

Just that. There’s truly like every other crime can wait. The number of cars I’ve seen flipped over on surface streets, flipped over on a surface street is crazy.

People driving 100 on the freeway, totally normal.

Like every single day.

I have another question for you.

Do your parents ever catch you with a cigarette as a high schooler?

No, I didn’t smoke till I was well outside the age where you should start.

I had one pack of cigarettes similar to that condom. It took me like three years to get through it, and I was obsessed and I would never inhale. I would just suck it into my mouth and my mom found them once, and she said, who’s are these?

And I said, I’m holding on to them for a friend and my mom. My mom was like, I’m too tired. I don’t know.

Okay. Whatever.

Whatever. Sure.

My mom was probably like, probably Lindsey.

Probably.

Amazing.

Do you want to talk about it? Yeah. Probably Lindsey.

Probably Lindsey.

1:43:48
Listener Crimes Part 3

Okay.

This is our last one.

Okay.

This is our last one.

After seven years, renting a room in my roommate’s condo, who’s my landlord, I was never late on rent. I was always clean and kind. She unceremoniously kicked me out via text.

The kicker, pun intended, is that I had a broken foot at the time. My bedroom was on the second floor. I had to move all my things out wearing an orthopedic boot, hobbling up and down the stairs.

Oh my God.

On my final moving day, she decided to throw a party.

And as I hobbled down the stairs with yet another box, one of her friends was zooming around the room on my knee scooter because I wasn’t supposed to be walking. I had to use a silly scooter to get around. I know these knee scooters.

They stress me out when I see someone using one. I’m like, that can’t be fun. That can’t be fun.

I bet your body needs like recalibration afterwards too, because like…

You have to go to PT because your hips get like misaligned. I bet, yeah.

Only then did I lose all my composure, squeaked, get off my scooter, and then decided to abscond with my roommate’s fancy coffee grinder. When the party was over, I swiped the coffee grinder.

When the party was over, I swiped the coffee grinder, threw it in one of my boxes, and closed the front door behind me. That was six years ago. I’ve used that grinder every single morning for my coffee.

It’s the only thing I’ve ever stolen, and I feel proud of myself every time I look at it. It’s the story of triumph. Yeah, it’s fine.

Nothing to forgive. When I say a victim was crime, I mean, what even happened? It’s like, how did that coffee grinder even get there?

Someone stole a scooter from you while you were disabled.

Probably the girl who was on the knee scooter. Yeah. Stole the grinder, and I think that’s probably her.

A lot of things happened that night.

A lot of things happened. I mean, your roommate violated like tenant law.

Yeah, you can take the grinder.

So yeah, you can take a coffee grinder on your way out.

I can’t believe how many people were stealing thongs. Like all of us.

Everyone was stealing thongs.

Before we end, we have two calls to action. There’s two separate calls to action. If you were a thong stealer at any point in your life, if you’re a part of Thongs Across America, we need you.

Thongs Across America?

We need you calling in.

I want to know when, where, why.

We want to build a map of little thongs. We’re building a heat map of thong theft.

Okay. I would say late 90s, through the early 2000s.

Anything before 2010, even anything before 2010 is fair game.

Sure.

2010 and earlier, if you were stealing thongs, bras, teddies, underpants of any kind, intimates of any kind, call in, text in, email in. It’s 612-568-4441. Email is thanks at feelingsand.co.

Don’t send us a voice memo. We can’t download those, but like call, leave a voicemail, leave a text, send an email. This is, I think we’re getting to something big and cultural here.

And the second, this is a genius idea from Caroline.

If you worked retail, any of those years, even present day, I would say, and you have good shoplifting stories, you’re on the other side, you’re on the other side of the register, you’re on the other side of facial recognition software or a Nikon

You’re getting emails from corporate on how to deal with shoplifters.

You want, yeah, I want to see corporate, but mostly I want to, we want to hear from you, I’m taking over, we want to hear from you if you’re like, we had regulars, we could not stop them, we just watched them come and steal shit.

People getting caught is less interesting to me. People getting caught is less interesting. I want people who are like, there’s nothing we can do about it, we just have to let them go.

Yeah, oh, I want good catching stories, like you catch someone and they’re like, my dog needs this.

Okay, fine, that’s okay too, fine, fine.

My dog needs this thong, she’s desperate.

Actually, a woman came into my circle time and said, this thong is my daughter’s, do you want it?

Do you want it?

Yeah.

Do you want it?

That’s what I want to hear. I want to hear the weird, what are people trying to steal? It’s weird.

What are people’s excuses? How are they trying to get away with it that you’re like, don’t do that.

Give us everything.

Give us everything. Give us everything tonight, is what I would say. Again, 612-568-443-

441. Caroline, thank you for being our little guest host today. Do you have time to read off and thank our supporting producers?

Yeah.

Okay.

Great, great, great.

Okay. But I don’t want to butcher anyone’s name, so I’m going to do my best.

It’s okay. We’re just going to go, but this is a more independent podcast. Thank you so much for being here.

The episode was produced by Marcel Malekebu, prepped, and videos produced by Grace Berry. I’m Nora McInerny. This is Caroline Moss, also known as my best friend, also known as Gee Thanks, Just Bought It.

Brilliant. Irony of all this, which we didn’t cover. Shopping influencer.

Shopping influencer. Okay.

Listen, we all try to repent.

It was a, but I honestly think that was like, that was your body saying, I need to do something in this realm, but what is it? Is it Steel Bongs?

Is it Steel Bongs? No. It’s affiliate links.

No, and God was like, no, no, no, babe, you’re so close.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop putting that bra on. You said, I think this is it though.

I think it’s it. I think this is it. What else?

Opening theme music by Geoffrey Lamar Wilson. His albums are linked in our show, and it’s closing theme music. The song you’re hearing right now, guess who made it?

Q. Caroline, Q. He’s so smart.

Yeah. He’s so smart. He’s so smart.

But supporting producers, we have a Substack. You can, you know, listening is supporting.

If you want to contribute, help keep this show afloat, you can subscribe monthly, annually, or you can kick in extra to get your name in the credits and be a supporting producer. So here we go, Caroline. We’re going to take turns.

I’m thanking Joy Heising.

KM.

Nancy Duff.

Jenny Medellin.

Oh, I say Medellin. So we’ll see. And you know what?

She’s never called in to say I was wrong. So we’ll find out.

You say Medellin? You went full Espanol? You went full study abroad?

I did.

And guess what? I almost did study abroad in Spain. I got very close.

Well, then you are absolutely the one to say that.

Yeah. Okay.

Jordan Jones.

Sheila.

Kathleen Langerman.

Ben.

Jess.

Michelle Toms.

Tom Stockburger.

Jen.

Beth Derry.

Stacey DeMorrow.

Emily Ferrizo.

Stephanie Johnson.

Faye Barons.

Amanda.

Sarah Garifo.

Jennifer McDagle.

All caps.

Elia- Jennifer McDagle. No, do Elia’s name again.

Elia Filiz-Milan.

Elia.

Okay. Lindsay Lund.

Renee Kepke.

Chelsea Sirnick.

You nailed it. That’s exactly right. Car Pan.

LGS.

Stacey Wilson.

Courtney McCown.

Mary Beth Barry.

That’s my high school gym teacher. I love that. Joe Theodosopoulos, widow.

There’s a lot of widows on this list, but Joe’s one of them.

Joe Theodosopoulos, widow.

Abby Arose. That’s one that’s never been corrected and I don’t know. How would you say that last name?

Abby Arose.

Okay.

Okay.

Elizabeth Berkley, like the?

That’s, everyone says and I say let’s assume. Let’s assume the best. Let’s assume we’re talking saved by the bell.

Kim F.

Melody Swinford.

Val.

Lauren Hannah. Katie. I got Jessica’s name last time.

How do you pronounce that last name?

I think it’s LaTexia. I think it’s LaTexia. I’m assuming we’re going Frans.

Jessica LaTexia.

I thought it was like LaTesia. I don’t know. Okay, Jessica.

Jessica, you’ve got to call, like I know.

Let us know.

Let us know, let us know.

Okay, Crystal Mann.

Lisa Piven.

Kate Lyon.

Christina.

Sarah David.

Kate. What is it? Kate?

I don’t know.

I say, Bayardjon.

You really go full study run. Okay, Kate Bayardjon.

Erin John.

Joy Pollack.

Crystal.

Jennifer Pavelka.

Jess Blackwell, also a widow.

Micah.

Jessica Reed.

I just pronounced Beth’s last name.

Lippem.

Beth Lippem. I love you, Beth. Yeah.

We love Beth Chiara.

Jill McDonnell.

Jen Grimlin.

Alexis Lane.

David Binkley, widow.

Virginia Labassi.

Lizzie DeVry.

Jeremy Essin, widow.

Okay, Robin Ruyard.

Roulard.

Oh, now we’re pronouncing the Ls?

Sorry, it’s Aaron’s aunt.

Robin Roulard. Wait, what is it? Roulard?

That’s Aaron’s aunt.

Yeah.

I understand. Say the name again.

Robin Roulard.

Roulard.

But it should be Ruyard, but, you know, I don’t know, they’re the French ones.

Okay, sure.

Nicole Petey.

Monica.

Caroline Moss, my best friend.

Widow. It’s actually Caroline. Aspiring widow.

Aspiring widow. Rachel Walton.

Inga.

Bonnie Robinson.

Shannon Dominguez-Stevens.

Penny Pesta, great name.

Is that not the best name?

Best name.

You’ve ever heard. Best name.

Dave Gilmore, my competition for best friend.

True. And Jacqueline Ryder. That’s it.

Thank you so much. We’ll be back again with more Petey Crimes and More. Thanks for Asking.

Bye.

Have a great day. Bye.