Wind Phone (Part 3)

What would you say to your dead person? We’re listening in on the Wind Phone. 

You can find a wind phone near you ⁠here⁠, or call us to leave your message for a future episode: 612.568.4441

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Hi.
Hi.
Hi there.
Hi.
Hi. Hey, Nora.
I’m Nora McInerny, and this is Thanks For Asking, a call-in show about what matters to you.
If you’ve ever lost somebody important to you, somebody that you love, you know that death is not the end of a relationship, it’s the continuation of a relationship. I think it’s probably worth saying, it’s not as good, it’s not as good.
I remember when my dad was dying, him looking me in the eyes and saying, we never really leave one another.
And there are moments where I know that’s true, I feel that’s true, I can sense him around me, but it would be better if I could just call him, if I could just pop by the house and chat with him, even have him be irritated that I’ve stopped by
unannounced and try to hustle me out the door. It’s not as good as having our person alive and with us, but it’s something. There is something eternal about us and that eternal thing is love.
This is our third installment of something that we never thought would be a series, certainly. A few episodes ago, we introduced something called the Wind Phone. We didn’t invent it.
Wind Phones have existed since 2010. In 2010, there was a huge tsunami in Japan, killed over 20,000 people. And a few months later, a guy named Itaru Sasaki built a phone booth in his backyard so he could talk to his dead cousin.
When we made our Wind Phone episode, we opened our phone line, 612-568-4441, and said, call. Call your loved one. Leave a voicemail for them.
Talk to them. Tell them what you want to tell them. We made it into an episode, and then that became two episodes, and people are still calling.
Now, after that second episode, we got a comment from a woman who said, I love this so much. I started my Wind Phone after my daughter Emily died from a terminal illness in 2020. Drowning in grief, I started sharing Wind Phones, and it saved me.
Wind Phone saved me, and it’s now how I spend all of my time. So, that’s Amy. You’re about to meet her.
Then we’ll get right into the Wind Phone. And finally, before the episode is over, I have something to ask of all of you. We got a question from a listener, and I need other perspectives.
I need your perspectives. I want you to listen. And if this rings a bell with you, I want you to call in.
I want you to write in. If it sounds like somebody you know, send it to them. That’s, you know, I say this about, it’s going to be okay, but it’s true for Thanks For Asking too.
Everything we do in life is a group project. Not the annoying kind that we had to do in high school where like one person doesn’t do anything at all, but you know, still accepts full credit.
No, this is a highly participatory group project where I’m happy to give everybody full credit, but enough about that, enough about me, enough of me. Let’s get into the Wind Phone part three.
2020 was, I don’t think anybody on earth is like, wow, 2020 was just, it was the best year of my life.
3:39
Amyʼs Story
But I think it was, it was particularly rough for you. Why don’t you tell us what your 2020 was like?
Well, everybody’s 2020 was terrible, but 2020 for me, my daughter went into hospice Christmas Eve of 2019, okay? She had been battling terminal illness. She was getting sicker and sicker.
And it was scary, right? The March was scary. I had taken a leave of absence.
I was a teacher. So I was home with her all day and it was just scary. And she was scared of getting sick, but she was also scared of being home alone.
Like she went everywhere with me. So she went into hospice care March 21st. She died in the beginning of April.
So she was right at the very beginning of COVID, where everybody assumed your person died of COVID. And we were in hospice care. They were closing hospice care around us.
She was one of two ladies left and they were transferring it into a COVID hospice. So and the nurses, rightfully so, were scared, but I had to put a sign on the door like, please don’t talk about COVID in this room.
Yeah. Yeah.
She didn’t need to hear it. So Emmy died April 2nd, 2020. And then, as you know, like the whole world was just shut down and it was…
You already kind of like, grieve in your own way. And I’m kind of a nice person, like, will go more into myself when I’m struggling. And so that didn’t help, right?
That everybody, no one could come. No one could bring dinner. Nobody, I had one friend that like brought over food for us and came in and said, I don’t care.
I don’t care that it’s COVID, here’s the food. And I often think of how wonderful that was of her, but it was a terrible time for everyone. But then we couldn’t, we couldn’t have a service.
We couldn’t have, we couldn’t celebrate her. Her brother was in the army, so he couldn’t come home. So it was just a lot, right?
And we ended up celebrating her life in October, which later in retrospect was a blessing, because I had all that time to plan the perfect celebration. It was wonderful. We didn’t have like, we had happy hour.
She loved happy hour. We had her favorite drink, which was sex on the beach. You know, we just did it her way, and it wouldn’t have happened that way if we had done it early.
You know, like right when you normally or typically.
Oh, yeah, yeah. When you’re in just like a total haze and, you know, it’s everybody in normal times, right? If you’d been doing it like right away, your house would have been filled with people and, you know, well-meaning opinions.
And I think more pressure to kind of just get through it, get over it, get on with it. And I love the idea of a happy hour. What else did you do for the celebration?
Oh, my gosh, it was amazingly beautiful.
And I look back at the pictures a lot. I did all of her flowers. I love to do flowers.
So I did all of her flowers, but we had like a balloon arch and we had, now, Emily had special needs. So although she was 25, she functioned more like a middle schooler. So she was very dependent on all of us.
Hysterical, Emily was like, you would love her. She was, everybody thought she, she had no boundary as far as she would say what she thought. Sometimes it was kind of like, oh god.
That’s my kind of girl.
Okay.
And other times, like you were like, oh my God, I wish I was brave enough to say that. But we had pictures everywhere. We released doves.
Like one of her good friends is a beautiful artist. She painted a 40 by 40 of her to have at the front of the ceremony. So it was absolutely beautiful.
And before Emily, Emily was very, she really followed her religion. We’re Catholic and she really, she’d go to church on her own. She sang in the choir when she was healthy.
And so we actually didn’t have a Catholic situation. And it was beautiful because we were allowed to do it just the way we wanted. And when she was in hospice care, they didn’t allow priests to give last rites, which was very important to Emily.
Cause she was very, she said her rosary every day. She was very spiritual. Now, whether or not she really knew it or not, but I was freaking out, right?
And I’m like, what do you mean a priest is too afraid to come here? Like, how are they afraid to die? They’re a priest, right?
Yeah. And I was so upset because she was so dedicated to going, she’d uber to church if I wouldn’t take her. Like that’s how much, cause I’m not religious like that.
I, so anyway, a long story short, this really nice man who had been serving in Vietnam. And I think he was Presbyterian. He was at the hospice desk and he was like, look, I am not Catholic, but I will come and pray for her and with her.
And like, it’s fine. This is fine to do it this way. And so that was beautiful.
And he came and did her celebration. Oh, so that was really nice. It was everything I think she would have loved it to be.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
8:51
Discovering a Connection
Tell me when you discovered Wind Phones, how did you find out about them?
You know, I’m not telling, I’m preaching the choir here, but you know how you don’t remember exact things when you’re, because when Emily was so sick, I was like so trying to keep everything together, but Emily saw them online on YouTube.
Now her phone was her lifeline, she watched her YouTube all the time, she did TikTok, she has a TikTok account, she was on the leaderboard, like she was all about her phone.
So she showed me them, like we would sit up late at night because it was hard for her at night. And she showed me it, and kind of like we talked about it in passing. And then sometime after she passed away, I was like, remembered them.
And I thought, well, crap, if anybody’s answering their phone in heaven, it’s Emily, right? I’ve never disconnected her phone. I still have her phone on and her number active.
But I’m like, then I thought, OK, there’s got to be a wind phone near us. And I started really researching. And that’s kind of how it all started.
So I was like, I needed to, I remembered the conversation with her and I needed to remember it more. So I started researching it. So that’s kind of how I learned.
I learned about them before Emily died. But I didn’t start doing anything with them until after.
Oh, that’s so cool. So when you were, and also how cool that Emily found it for you.
Yes. I’m all about those signs. Like, yeah.
I’m too.
Like, that’s really wow. I get goosebumps over that. So when you’re looking for a wind phone, when you’re looking for a wind phone near you, do you find one or what happens?
I didn’t.
So there were only when I started researching it. And so I’m a teacher, right? Like I research everything and I, and I would, you know, I was home.
And so there were 17 or 18 when I started. There weren’t many around the world, 17 or 18. And so now they’re almost 600.
But yeah, so like there wasn’t one. There did end up being one at Princeton University put one in. And it was inspired by a woman that was a graduate and she had created one and put one in New York.
And so they brought one. So maybe a year after I started, I did find like new of the one in Princeton. But before that, I made my own.
I just used a rotary phone on my back deck. And I would call her on every Thursday night because that is our time together. She died on a Thursday night.
So I play her her songs and I call her. So your episode’s really cool. But it’s really, really cool is that we’re having this conversation today is the 15th anniversary of the tsunami in Japan that started the Wind Phone phenomenon.
Oh my God. Now that’s not coincidental, is it?
I mean, it is and it isn’t. I don’t believe in coincidences. I think everything is connected.
I believe in those signs. And I have to tell you also, we made this episode recently. The episode came out yesterday, from the day we’re speaking, called Dead Sibling Society.
I read it.
It was inspired by the death of my friend’s brother.
And the day that I spoke to Steph Whittles for that episode was Derek’s birthday. And I didn’t know that until I was texting my friend Aaron and saying, like, oh, like we’re working on the episode today. And he was like, today’s his birthday.
Oh my gosh.
You know what? That’s our person just reminding us, like, they’re with us and they’re seeing what we’re doing.
Yeah.
So today is that anniversary. Yesterday, NPR, like the Virgin of NPR in Japan, released the documentary. Okay.
Look, everything is, this is wild.
You’re blowing my mind. That’s amazing. When you’re, so tomorrow, it’s Thursday.
Tomorrow, you’ll go out on the back deck with your rotary phone. You’ll, what songs do you play? And what do you talk to, what do you talk about with Emily?
Well, I go out around 8.30.
Now we’re in Florida. So we moved. So now I’ll go on out and play.
And I’m sure I apologize to my neighbors. Justin Bieber, huge fan, Baby. That’s how we ended her ceremony of life.
She loved that song. She loved it, loved it. And there are a few other songs.
Her brother requested Saturn, Sleeping At Last, which is so Emily. Have you heard that song?
I have not. I wonder if I can handle it. Do you think I can?
Yeah, but you’re going to have to Google it.
So it’s really instrumental for like two minutes. And then it’s amazing. It talks about like, you taught me how to, the courage to keep going.
Like it’s a beautiful song. But also like, she liked that song about never going to be a mountain.
The Climb by Miley Cyrus.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah.
She loved that. So I play like those things.
I would have loved Emily. I got to tell you. That’s the same music.
I love The Climb. The Climb still does it for me.
When she was in hospice and she really wasn’t conscious very much, there was a lady that came with her little piano and she was way out in the hall because you couldn’t social distance. I heard it. I picked Emily up.
I scooped her up because at this point, she’s like 50 pounds. I run her down the hall and she opened her eyes for it. Yes, you love that song.
I’ve added to her list, but mostly the things that we played at her ceremony and things like that, the songs that she really liked. She loved to dance, so I play her those things.
But when I call her, I talk to her all day long anyway, and I’m sure you know just what I mean, but something about picking up the phone and dialing her, it’s a real intentional conversation, and I tell her what’s going on.
So her brother and his wife are expecting another baby. So we’ll chat about that tonight. Thank you.
And I’ll tell her about her. She didn’t have nieces. She has three now, but before she passed, we didn’t have any little nieces in the family or grandchildren, so now I’ll tell her all about them.
So I’ll tell her about things that are going on, but this week it’ll be a lot about the Wind Phone because we’ve had so much going on with it. Yeah. I believe we do it together.
Like I honestly believe she answers the phone in heaven and she’s like, hey, Joe, your mom’s calling and she’s making sure like people are getting those calls.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I love that. I love that. So tell me about my Wind Phone.
15:31
Creating a Global Resource
So I ended up starting this website and it was more for my own.
I needed something to be doing. It was more for me and to organize everything I was learning and all that. I started this website and I published it.
And now it’s been over four years. It’s mywindphone.com. And what I try to do is really bring awareness and share Wind Phones because they saved me.
And I say that not lightly. I really was not knowing how I was going to stay in this world without her. They gave me a reason to keep going.
They gave me hope. So a Wind Phone, even though there’s so much more to a Wind Phone, it’s an old-fashioned phone placed in a space usually outdoors where people can have a conversation. But it gives you hope.
Like there’s hope of something more. And the Japanese, where it began, they believe in continuing relationship. And so just shifting the fact that Emily is still with me, just in a different way.
You know, so anyway, my Wind Phone does all, it talks about the original. There’s a map and you can look, there’s a US map, international map. You can zoom in, you can search, you can find one near you.
Then I had a lot of people asking me, well, how do I create one? Knowing that creating something is very healing.
Create a whole section and I help people create them as far as give them advice, have printed brochures, make things like, people weren’t able to approach their town and ask, didn’t know how to start, so I had proposal letters and brochures for
proposing. And then now it’s developed into a lot of schools are having them for children.
So now I have a whole section on coloring pages for kids, journal entries for kids, ways teachers and parents can talk about a Wind Phone and introduce a Wind Phone and help a child process their grief with a Wind Phone.
Had a really cool email from a grandma in Arizona whose daughter died of an asthma attack. She just emailed this week. Her 10-year-old granddaughter she now is raising, and she wasn’t doing very well and she wasn’t communicating.
And a friend of the grandma’s told her about a Wind Phone. She brought her granddaughter, and now the granddaughter said that it’s made such a difference, and now she takes her there regularly. And she talks to her mom.
So they matter, and they’re changing lives, and they’re changing the way people are feeling. It’s important.
It is. Amy, what a cool thing for you to just do for, and not just for yourself, but for the world. So thank you for being here, for enlightening me, and more importantly, for sharing Emily with all of us.
I really appreciate it.
Well, thank you, and thanks for helping people learn about them, because once people know about them, you know, then we can get the word out in that, make all the difference.
Yeah, yeah. And we all make sure everybody, I think we linked to in the, even the first two episodes, we ended up linking to your website. So it was like very delightful that you, that you reached out.
So everything, everything’s connected, baby. Everything’s connected.
It sure is. Well, thank you so much.
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25:30
Messages for Loved Ones
Hi, Mom.
It’s been a while, not really, but I can’t believe it’s coming up on 11 years in March, which is insane.
I think about that phone call that we had the day before you passed away and how you weren’t feeling very good and how life was kind of hard for both of us during that time because I was in college and you were an empty nester and you couldn’t
understand why I didn’t want to call you back. And I’ll tell you why. It’s because I was busy with school and making new friends. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love you.
Yeah.
On a separate note, which I’m sure you know because you were there.
Last year, Tom and I got married on your death anniversary. And we had a whiner and we got married in Las Vegas. Because I couldn’t stand not having you or dad have my wedding.
And it was really special. But the most special part of it was that. So we signed our marriage certificate on March 15th, which is the day that you passed away.
And it was processed on your birthday on March 27th. And it made, I knew you were there the whole time, but it made me feel like you were there for real.
And I know that you and dad would have hated our Las Vegas wedding because it would have been too much. But it just reminded me of the trip that we took in eighth grade and how much cooler it is to go to Vegas when you’re not in eighth grade.
But things are going well. I actually have a job I can do. I hate it.
I hate working. But you know, you got to do what you got to do. But I’ve really come around in the last few years and have been able to find myself.
And I really wish that you were here to see it because I’m very proud of myself and I know that you would be very proud of me too. And I hate that you’re not here for me to go on trips. Let’s go to Chicago and I have to do them with Karen.
And I love her so much and she’s so sweet and I’m so happy to have her in my life. But she’s not you and I know that I would never have to buy another piece of clothing in my entire life because you would be taking care of me.
And I’m still wearing some of the clothes that I got from you and dad after we sold the house. But yeah, I’m really proud of what I’ve made to myself. And I really wish that you were here to see it.
And I wish that you could be a part of it. But I know you’re here in spirit. They love you so much.
Thank you.
Love you.
Bye.
Hi, Nora and your amazing team.
I’m calling to submit a Wind Phone conversation to talk to my amazing and beautiful wife, Valerie Zeta. Good afternoon, my sweet Valerie Zeta. It’s been 10 months, 28 days, 22 hours, 51 minutes, and 57 seconds.
I miss you more than words can hold. Not a moment goes by that I don’t think about you. Your laugh, your voice, the way you made even ordinary moments feel special.
I still reach for you in the quiet. I love you. I will always love you.
That doesn’t end just because I can’t see you. I don’t understand why you had to go so soon. We had more memories to make, more mornings, more talks, more everything.
It feels so unfair. It feels so unfinished. You were my wife, but you were also my best friend, the person I could tell anything to, the one who knew me better than anyone else and loved me anyways.
I hope you know that you’re still with me in my heart, in my thoughts, in the way I try to live. I carry you with me every day. The boys and I are especially our little girls, Betty and Junie.
Your pride and joy Frenchie. Miss you so much. We are doing everything we can do to make you so happy in your memories.
I miss you so much. You’re forever, forever yours. Your Skittles, aka Scott.
Thank you so much. I love you guys lots. Scott from Ontario, Canada.
Hey, this is Joy calling Joe from the Wind Phone.
I’m just calling to say that I really miss you. A lot’s happened since you’ve been gone, and I really wish you could have been here for some of it. But you’ve missed some fun stuff, like getting to see Ava and Jonah and Declan grow up.
It’s really nice to be able to spend time with them now that they’re adults, and getting to know them, and becoming a little bit more like friends is great, and being able to talk about stuff is great too. I wish you could have been here to see it.
I really miss you. I miss laughing with you. I miss making you laugh.
I miss just hanging out with you, making plans to do things. I miss you and I love you.
Hi, mom.
I miss you.
It’s been a really long time since I’ve gotten the chance to talk to you, but I thought today would be a good day for us to catch up. I went to CVS, and it turns out they still make the brand of designer impossible body spray that you used to wear.
And I stole a little spray, put it on my sleeve, and I got to smell the way you smell when you were still here. I just wanted to let you know that things are weird and wild, but I think about you every single day.
Max will be 11 in June, and you would love him so, so much. With all of my heart, I hope that you get to see him when he’s with me, because we talk about you and laugh about the stories that we share.
And with us, you stay all of the time, even though you physically can’t be with us. I wish that I could hear your voice just one more time, but this will have to do for now. We love you, Mom, and that never stops.
Bye, Mom.
It’s punky.
Just wanted to stop by and say I love you and I miss you.
I hope you’re okay. Grandpa, it’s Kirsten.
I hope you’re behaving.
Love you.
Bye. Hey, Andrew, it’s Liz. I just wanted to call and talk to you.
NC State beat UNC last night, terribly, in men’s basketball. And I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. I talked to mom earlier today, and it sounds like she’s having a hard week.
So if you could send her a sign or a message, like I’m leaving you, that would be so great. And I know that you will because I know who you are. So, thank you in advance.
I love you. I miss you. Talk to you soon, bye.
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37:06
More Calls of Remembrance
So, I can’t even believe that I died on the phone, but I’ve been thinking about you, Brian, and it’s coming up on 17 years, and our girl just turned 17, and it’s wild.
She’s about to be like an adult and shit. And I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about you so much, and like, where’s, I need a sign. Spend a minute, and I need a sign.
I’ve been waiting, and I’ve been looking for my dimes, and I’ve been kind of waiting for our song, and I don’t know. I’m scrolling through Facebook, trying to go to bed, and I see a post from Nora, and man, that’s a whole story.
I haven’t even found her, and terrible things for asking.
It’s just crazy.
And one of those things you would have loved to hear about, but I don’t know. So, I hope you hear this. I love you, forever and ever, and a week.
Hi, Nora and team.
My name is Elizabeth. I just finished listening to the Wind Phone episode, well, part two, and I wanted to leave a message for my friend. She died two and a half years ago as a result of injuries that she sustained in a car accident.
And yeah, so I wanted to leave a message for her. So Sherry, hi, I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry that I didn’t answer the phone when you called that day.
I remember getting out of the shower and looking at my phone and seeing I had four missed calls from you, and I thought, oh, that’s weird. I wonder why she’s calling, not texting or sending an audio message or something.
And I tried calling back, didn’t get an answer. And then a few days later, I found out that the accident happened probably within an hour or two of you trying to call me. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.
And I know you would probably be like, Elizabeth, be so for real right now. But I can’t help it because I have had to watch your kids live without you for two and a half years.
And I’ve had to live without you for two and a half years, not to make it about me, but, you know, I miss you every single day. I think about you every day. There’s so much I wish that you were here for.
There’s a lot I’m glad you’re not here for, like the implosion of our democracy. You would have been real mad about all that. Glad you’re missing that.
But I miss you, and I’m sorry.
And I hope that wherever you are, you found peace and you found rest, because you definitely deserve it.
Hi, I’m calling the Wind Phone line, and I hope I have the right number because I really want to talk to my daughter.
Today’s Lily’s birthday, and you were such a good doggy mommy, and I know that your sister having a little birthday party for Lily, she was nine today, nine.
And I just remember you making her little doggy birthday cake and how happy you were with her and how much she loves you still.
And I just want to tell you I love you and tell you you’re making a different sweetheart in the world and people are finding Wind Phones and finding comfort and making their phone calls.
And really, truly, honey, it’s because you’ve inspired people to find them on the map. So I appreciate you. I love you.
I know you’re always with me.
I miss you terribly, terribly every single day, but I know we’re going to be together again.
And I’m sure in heaven, you and me and Papa today are celebrating Meema’s birthday. She’d be 102. So I’m sure you’re up there at happy hour, having a great time.
And I know that’s your answer in the Wind Phone and making sure that everybody up there is getting the calls that are getting to them. So keep watching over us. Keep helping me and with my Wind Phone so that we can make sure we reach more people.
And you know, I love you, love you, love you more.
We miss you, sweetheart.
And I will talk to you soon on your Blue Phone. Bye, sweetie.
Hi, dad. It’s Allie.
You died eight years ago today.
Since then, I’ve had a little girl and she has your middle name.
I called this number.
It’s up to you.
And it’s so much harder than I thought. I don’t even know what to say, but I know that you know. And that’s enough for me, I think.
Mom moved here to Waco the way with me. Not in the same house. Thank God.
And you would be pleased.
You decorated her apartment with all the stuff that you made and bought.
And we love having her here.
We miss you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much.
Love you.
Madison, it’s just mom.
I just wanted to call and let you know that I miss you and I love you. And the past almost four months have been the most unbearable of my entire life. I hate suicide.
I’m not mad at you, but I hate what it’s done to our family. I hate that you cheated yourself out of a beautiful future in a beautiful life.
And I hate how the world lost one of the most generous, loving, beautiful people there could have ever been created.
There’s never a moment in the day that you’re not being thought of, that you’re not being prayed for, that you’re not missed, that you’re not loved. And I just can’t wait to take my last breath someday so that I can be home with you.
I love you, baby.
Bye.
Hi, Drew. I’m leaving you a voicemail. You are my firstborn son, my middle child, and forever 27.
And I miss you so terribly much. I’m not supposed to have a favorite child, but you and I were connected in more ways than one. I always knew you were special.
I always knew that everything that everybody would say about you was not the case. And that you turned out to be just who you needed to be. The someone I knew you always were.
It’s been almost four years since I’ve heard your voice, since I felt your touch, since I’ve seen you. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it, but I will always love you. And I will take you with me wherever I go.
Please know, I loved you from the start. Before you were even born. And I will love you until my last dying breath.
I miss you so very much.
Hey, Billy.
It’s your dad.
Just checking in.
Miss you.
I love you. I wish we could have one last conversation before you left.
I love you more than anything. You really missed.
Mommy and Daddy and Sissy love you. Your friends will miss you. Your birthday is coming up.
And I’m sad.
I love you, buddy.
I want to try and can, but I’m a little better and able to talk better.
But I just know I really loved you.
I really love you still, even though you’re not around.
Bye-bye, buddy. Love you.
Hi. I would like to leave a message from my brother Chris. He’s been in heaven for four and a half years.
I miss you so much. I love you. I wish you were still here.
People say I shouldn’t care because you’re just my brother. Well, you are my heart. You are my heart.
We didn’t have a daddy, and you took care of me. And I took care of you. I love you so much.
Let me know how you’re doing, even if it’s blowing in the wind, a butterfly, a bird. I love you. I could talk to you all night.
Hi, Nora.
I just found out about you on Instagram, and I just wanted to leave a message for my dad. I really miss you, dad, and I love you a lot, and I’m sorry that you went so fast. I hope that you’re happy.
I hope that you’re with Fran. I’ve had a really rough year without you.
We bought the house.
We still have Gypsy, and she’s doing really good, dad.
Jessica’s really sick.
It’s been really hard without you. I know you would have supported her and me through all this. I love you, dad.
I miss you.
Hi, momma. I’m calling because I’m having a rough day at work. I saw this post on Facebook saying about Wind Phones, and that I can send a message to my dead person.
My mom, Phyllis Minifee, passed away three months ago. I miss her so much. It is extremely hard today.
Very heavy. In the middle of teaching, I just wanted to collapse to the ground and just break down crying. But I had to suck it up.
But here I am on my lunch break, in the car, calling a phone number. I don’t know where this message is going to go. But if this message can go to my mom, I miss you.
I love you.
There’s not a time, a moment in the day where I’m not thinking about you.
There’s so much that I want to tell you. You’re missing out on and I know you’re with me. I feel it at times, but it’s not the same anymore.
I love and miss you.
I will forever love and miss you.
My heart breaks every day. At the end of the day, I do not want the day to end. I break down into tiny pieces.
And with those tiny pieces, I find myself sweeping them up, putting them back into the box, getting ready to rebuild all over again, just to break down the next day, and to repeat that whole cycle of sleeping up, building back together, and breaking
down again. Grease is such a strange thing. I never imagined going to day without my mama’s.
Mama was my best friend.
My safe, safe, safe heaven. That was Superwoman herself. I’ve never seen my mother cry or complain about anything, and which is probably one of the reasons why she didn’t tell me and my brother and sister that she was sick and she was dying.
I love and miss you so much, Mama. I can say it’s going to be okay. It’s easier said than done, but I’m taking it one day at a time.
I love and miss you so much, forever and always.
Hi, Laura. This is Fred and my dad would have been 100 today. And I just want to wish him a very happy birthday.
Tell him I really appreciate how he showed up for us continuously throughout our childhood and beyond. I mean, I even remember being at college about 100 miles from home and he would schedule business meetings late in the afternoon.
Just so we could have dinner with me. And for that and many other things, I love him dearly.
Hey, Nora. It’s Felice. I don’t, I’m hopefully you remember.
I, we did an episode a while back about my sister, Corrina. And this is partially just to update you. Friday, it will be four years since she’s been gone.
And it just, I don’t know how that happened. But I also love the idea of the Wind Phone. And I have so many things I would tell her if she was here now.
I would tell her how beautiful her little girl is, and how amazing she is, and how she looks and acts so much like her. And I would tell her that I miss her, and that every day I think about what she would be like at this age or in this day.
And I just wish she was here. I’m getting married soon, which is crazy. I finally got engaged and all I wish is that she was here to give me input and tell me what’s going to happen.
Tell me, help me plan this thing, because I don’t know what the hell to do for a wedding. But I wish she was here. And four years, this doesn’t seem possible or right for the world to just keep spinning without my sister in it.
And I don’t know. I just, I think I’ve been avoiding all the feelings for the past several weeks, knowing that this is coming, that the day is coming, that on Friday, today, it’s been four years since I’ve heard her voice.
I saw her four years ago today for the last time. And, man, I just, I can still see it so clearly. I can see her and hear her voice so clearly.
And I just can’t believe how much has happened since that day. So, yeah, I guess it’s a partial wind phone, partial distant update. I don’t know.
It just, it’s crazy how the world just keeps moving. And, you know, time just keeps going. And here we are, just trying to get through every day.
And a lot of days get easier. And sometimes like today, like this last week, it just feels unbearable all over again.
Oh, um, shit.
Hi, Mom.
This is the Wind Phone.
This is Savannah. It is 7.58 on Thursday, February 19th.
I really miss you.
I’m really struggling without you. And, like, time is going so quickly.
And it’s scary.
I don’t like that time is going by without you. It’s so fast.
It’s been a whole three months.
It’ll be three months on March 2nd. And a lot of people have been doing a really good job of taking care of me and checking in on me. But as we get farther away from the day, it’s really, I get scared to be left behind, and I agree.
We’ve been making a lot of our, some of it for you. I think you would really like my egg, Daisy. It’s really cute.
Trying hard to feel your presence. But the shitty part is, I mostly just feel that you’re gone.
Hey, I’m just leaving a voicemail from my mom. On the 28th, it will have been an entire year since I have been in your presence. And that really sucks.
So many things have happened since you left this room. I went back to California. I’ve yet to really get going with my music.
Every time I try to write something, it just seems like everything comes at once, and I can’t filter it out. There’s so much to process from the last year.
You moved down here two months before you died, and all of a sudden I was back up in Montana again.
Then after that, I came back down here, and I tried so hard to just adapt to this new normal of not having you to call, and not hearing you, and not being around you, being completely on my own in this world.
Then four months after I moved down here, like three after you died, I met this incredible woman, and I will always swear that you put me on the path to meet her.
And I know out of all of the women that I have ever talked about, or have ever seen, she would be the absolute one that you would want me to be with. And we’ve since moved in together, which I know is crazy.
I haven’t even known each other for a full six months when we moved in together. Now we live together, and we’re considering moving again. I have a dog, and I took the cat to California with me.
I’m trying to take care of her, kind of a lot sometimes. I’m trying to take care of myself. But I really miss you, and I really hope that wherever you went, you’re able to go on running marathons.
You’re able to chase all of the animals that you knew, and that you’re going on these crazy wild adventures in places that you would have never imagined you’re going. And above all else, I hope that you’re in peace.
I’m glad that you’re not fighting this horrible cancer anymore. I just wish we would have had a little bit more time.
All right, I told you at the beginning of the episode that I needed your help, and here it is.
1:00:16
A Listenerʼs Dilemma
This is an email question that we got from a listener.
Want you to give it a listen, and if you have an answer for this person, doesn’t have to be the exact situation, but listen, because there’s a specific question that she asks that you might be able to address.
I want you to call in, or I want you to write in. The email is thanks at feelingsand.co. That’s feelings, A-N-D, dot C-O.
The phone number is 612-568-4441. You can leave a voicemail. You can text us.
And if you think that you know somebody, who could also chime in on this, send this episode to them, and tell them the timestamp, so they can chime in, and maybe add their five to 50 cents as well.
Hi, Nora. I’ve been a fan of your show since 2016. I know you have this new call-in show, and I thought about submitting a text or a voicemail, but I just felt like I could gather my thoughts better in email format.
Hope this is the right email to send this question to. To make a long story short, I’m 42, married to a great guy, but due to health issues, I can’t have kids.
It’s been a very painful issue for me to deal with, as I always wanted kids, but the pain of this fact has become all the more acute. To give you a bit of backstory, I’m part of a vibrant improv comedy scene.
It’s where when I first moved to this town, I made the bulk of my friendships I still have today, and it’s even where I met my husband. I love being part of a community where our main goal is to make each other laugh.
But what was once a source of so much pleasure and happiness has now become a source of sadness and pain. Two friends of mine in this community are pregnant.
It’s incredibly hard for me to be around them, not just because they are going to have babies soon, but also because they are my age. I think for this reason, I feel more acutely what I am missing out on.
It’s like their lives run parallel to mine in so many similar ways, but for these women, they just made it across the fertility finish line while I couldn’t even compete to begin with.
I should say, neither one of these women have told me they are pregnant. I heard about their good news, sorry to put that in quotes, I know that sounds harsh, through the grapevine. Of course, I know why they haven’t told me anything.
It’s because I’ve confided in both of them about my own pain surrounding my inability to have kids, and now they feel awkward about the fact that they are going to have a life I so desperately wanted. Basically, they pity me.
I was talking about it with my therapist today, and he asked me if I could use another word besides pity to describe how these women would see me. It was so hard to come up with an alternative answer.
My therapist tried to help me see the big picture, etc., but truthfully, I couldn’t get past the word pity. I can’t describe why I hate it so much when it applies to me. It’s on a visceral level so deep, I just can’t fully articulate it.
My question is, how do you deal with being an object of pity? I’ll be honest in that I have thought about leaving my little improv community just to escape this pain of being pitied.
Of course, I understand there are women with babies everywhere, but this instance just feels so much more personal and harder to deal with.
I know that walking away from my community would mean losing other meaningful connections as well as a major outlet for my creativity.
I just don’t know how to hold my head high and not feel as though people in my friend group are looking at me and thinking, poor thing.
The thought fills me with so much embarrassment, shame and rage that I question whether or not it’s worth it to literally leave town and start a whole new social life somewhere else, preferably with a low birth rate. Anyway, thanks for your time.
If you have made it this far, love your show, Best Quora.
That was the Wind Phone, part three. I’m Nora McInerny, this is Thanks For Asking. Thank you so much for being here, guys.
This show, this show really is a group project, so if there’s something that you want to talk about, call us, 612-568-4441. You can text, you can call, you can write us an email, thanks at feelingsand.co.
If you have feedback on an episode, if something really ticked you off, you can send it to us. You can send it to us, that’s okay. I’m not going to read a review on the podcast apps.
Those are just not a venue for any kind of improvement. But if you got an opinion, I do want to hear it from you. We also have a YouTube channel.
We’re going to link to that. We have a Substack where you can get bonus episodes, ad-free episodes, our whole archive, weekly essays. It’s kind of where I just do all of my work.
And there’s certainly never any pressure. There’s a lot of ways to support us. And being here is a huge way of supporting us.
And we’re a small, independent podcast, and that’s how we want to keep it. We want it to be sustainable. We want it to be doable.
And having listener supporters is one big way that really makes it possible for us to keep doing this work. So now is the time where we thank and shout out our supporting producers.
These are people who have joined on the Substack as the supporting producer level. It’s you could join monthly, you could join annually, or you can kick in some more. And the one benefit is that you get your name in the credits.
And I get to thank you personally, which is kind of cool.
So we are going to say a big thanks to Augie Book, Joy Heising, No Name, Nancy Duff, Jenny Medellin, Kathleen Langerman, Jordan Jones, Ben, Jess, Beth Thery, Sarah Garifo, Kathy Sigman, Sarah David, Mary Beth Berry, my high school gym teacher,
Sheila, Crystal, Kaylee Sakai, Virginia Labassi, Lizzie DeVries, Rachel Walton, David Binkley, Lisa Piven, Michelle Toms, Nicole Petey, Melody Swinford, Caroline Moss, my best friend, Michelle O, Ann Dabrzinski, Amanda, Jess Blackwell, Abby O’Rose,