Wind Phone (Part 2)

What would you say to your dead person? We’re listening in on the Wind Phone. 

You can find a wind phone near you here, or call us to leave your message for a future episode: 612.568.4441

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

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Hi. Hi.

Hi there.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Nora.

I’m Nora McInerny, and this is Thanks For Asking, a call-in show about what matters to you. Of the many difficult parts of grief, the hardest one for me is knowing that what you got is all you’ll get.

There won’t be any more photos, there won’t be any more memories, there won’t be any more letters, there won’t be any more conversations.

That’s especially hard if you didn’t get the conversation that you needed to have, if you lost someone suddenly without warning. But it’s hard even if you lost somebody and they had a really good death.

My dad died in October 2014, and I had struggled my whole life with wanting him to be another kind of dad. A Danny Tanner is what I wanted, someone who would sit on the edge of my bed and say, hey, what’s going on?

Is there something you need to talk about? Well, music swelled in the background and I just spilled my guts. But my dad was not that dad.

And yet on his deathbed, he was. I got the conversation that I was aching for on the last day of his life. I got the validation.

I got the closure.

And that’s all I’ll ever get.

I have exactly one voicemail from my dead dad. Do you want to hear it?

Yeah, I’m returning your phone call.

That’s it. That’s it. That’s all I got.

That’s him. That’s him. That’s Steve, in a nutshell.

That’s Steve in a voicemail. I don’t always love the if questions of grief. What if?

What if? You know, as my dad used to say, what if the moon was blue? But if you could talk to your dead person one more time, what would you say?

In 2010, Itaro Sasaki built a phone booth in his backyard in Japan to talk to his dead cousin. When a tsunami killed over 20,000 people, a few months later, he opened that phone booth up to strangers. These are called wind phones.

These are places where someone can have their words carried on the winds to their dead loved ones. It is catharsis. It’s connection.

It is grief processing. It’s a little bit of magical thinking, but that’s okay. These wind phones are now all over the world.

We will link to them in our episode description because you can find one near you or you can install one if there is not one near you. I’m still in conversations with my husband because I want to install one.

In our front yard, we made an episode called The Wind Phone a few weeks ago. We will link to that in the description. And that episode was so successful that our phone number 612-568-4441 became a wind phone.

It’s a really special thing to be able to listen in on these messages. And I really do believe that wherever your dead people are, they can hear you calling, they can hear you talking, they’re listening. And today, so are we.

Hi, mom.

I’m calling because next month on your death anniversary, I’m having a bridal shower because I’m getting married this year. I’m getting married to a woman, which is I know not something honor of us would have expected for me.

And it’s something I’ve had to reckon with how you would feel about. Because you died before you had a chance to change your perspective on that and to learn more. And I hope that you would be able to have space for that.

And I think you would really, really like her.

We’re making plans to have a baby.

We’re trying to find a sperm donor. So many exciting things are happening for the future. I mean, we sure are going to be there to help us plan and organize things.

And it’s so much fun, but I miss you so, so much. And I’m not sure. It’s interesting to see how the living keeps going on.

Even though you’re not here to be a part of it. And I just, I don’t get why it happened. It’s not fair.

But it’s what happened. And I just love you lots.

Bye.

Hi, Guy.

It’s Susan.

It will be three years on January 16th that you died from glial blastoma. The same thing as Nora’s husband Aaron. A lot has happened in the past three years.

Most importantly, I’m in a new relationship with a man who is widowed who lost his wife about six weeks before I lost you. He lost Lynn to leukemia, and we really understand each other and we miss you both very much. I did get two parakeets.

I know how you felt about having birds in the house, but you would really like Bursche and Birdie despite their mess. I did get two memorial tattoos. You would not like them at all.

And my hair grew back. I’m on that medication, a lumion. I wish you could see all my hair.

And yes, I did get a new vehicle. I got a new RAV, like you would ask me to, a RAV hybrid with all the safety features. So anyway, I can’t believe it’s been almost three years.

And I hope wherever you are, you’re happy. I’m okay. I’m happy and sad at the same time.

But that’s just the way it is. I miss you and love you forever.

Bye. Hi, I am Colleen. I wanted to leave a message for my loved one.

My brother passed 20 years ago.

And I just want to tell you, Mikey, that I miss you and things have been better than they’ve ever been. And I’ve been really tough, and I wish you were here to talk to. I love you, and I wish you could see your niece and nephew.

They’re brilliant, and growing so fast. I’m in school, and after a really messed up childhood, I finally learned how to write a paper. I’m back in school, and I think you would be so proud.

I love you.

Look over my baby, please.

We’ll see you someday. And thank you for the reassurance that you’ve given me, even though you’re not here. I love you.

Hi, my name is Angie.

I’m leaving a message for my husband, Dave, who died suddenly about eight months ago. And I miss him so much, and I just love this opportunity to get to say, because I never got to say goodbye. How much I miss just calling you on the phone.

God, I mean, there’s so many things I wish I could tell you about the kids and about our neighborhood. And I’m in our spot. I walked up the hill behind the eagles, just trees, and I’m looking up at the ocean and gorgeous.

I just wish you were here with me.

I miss our little high fives after we got the kids to bed at night, you know, talking about our day.

I love you.

I’ll never stop loving you.

Thank you for all your signs and thanks for such a wonderful life together.

I missed you.

I’ll love you forever.

Hi, this is Kathy from the Seattle area, and I’m just calling for the Wind Phone.

I just want to say, hi, Grandma. I miss you a lot. Of course, I wish you’d never left.

I’m really sorry that I wasn’t there as much as I would have liked to be in your last weeks. You know, I was barely like 14 or almost 15, and I was just so scared, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

You know, it was so hard to see my mom had such a hard time, and I just, I wish I had spent more time with you in your last days and weeks. My mom says that I’m a lot like you.

You love travel and photography, and those are some of my greatest passions. And you know, I wish that I had just gotten to know you as an adult. I wish we had had more time together.

I know I always used to tell you that I wasn’t going to have kids, but you always said I would, and surprise, I have six of them now. One of them has your name as her middle name.

And yeah, I just want you to know, you know, it’s been 27 years since you left, but I still think of you. I’ve heard a lot of loss in our family since you died, but you’re still one of my greatest losses in my life.

And I just love you and miss you and think of you still.

All right, bye.

Hi, Dad.

It feels great.

It’s me.

It has been 12 years.

Oh, 13, man, since I talked to you. So many things have happened.

I got married last month, and all I wanted was for you to be there.

You would really, really love Geoffrey. It was good to think you loved him more than you loved me.

Some things were for the best.

Everyone kept talking about how they could feel you there.

And to be honest, it just kind of made me mad.

We bought a house.

I golf now.

I really think you would love the life we’ve been building. I just miss you a lot. Thank you.

Hi, Nora and family.

I am calling for the Wind Phone. My name is Lisa, and I’m calling to speak with my sister, Deanna. A little bit about her.

She’s my much older sister. She buys six and a half years. My brother was 10 years older than me.

We had an interesting relationship due to that age difference. But we lived a hard life, and my sister protected me. And she went missing in August of 2020, right before her 56th birthday.

And I just wanted to say hi to her and let her know what’s going on. So, hey, Deanna, so much illness. COVID finally got over, and I was safe through the whole thing.

You and mom didn’t have anything to worry about. I was always good about it. Yeah, I got really sick, and he fell at home.

And mom went on lay there for three days, Deanna. He finally went to the hospital and he almost didn’t make it, but they found out he had metastatic prostate cancer and mental cell lymphoma. And as bad as it was, he didn’t last very long.

He died in January of 21. But he and I reconnected, which was so wonderful. I got him reconnected with Aunt Gloria, which is just amazing.

And she appreciates that every day that I talk with her and I talk with her a lot. I also got reconnected with Uncle Bill and Uncle Don. Uncle Don passed away as well, but also Mom passed away.

Mom was so sad without Dad. And she really wanted you to be there to help her. But you’d be so proud of your twins.

They were there for her and helped her out as best they could. And so anyway, I just really miss you. And I wish you would give me a sign so that we could find you and put you to rest like you should be.

You will go with our brother Mike and Mom and Dad in the Bloomington Cemetery right by Grandma and Grandpa. So I love you so, so much. I miss you so, so much.

Hi, I’m doing this for the Wind Phone.

Hi, Matt. I miss you so much. Life has been real different without you.

There are a lot of things I want to tell you. Number one, my dad’s still alive. He got the CAR-T transplant, and I figured I’d be at his funeral with you instead of your funeral with him, but he’s doing real great.

So just like you always said, be positive and you’ll stay. Work’s been difficult, but mostly fine. I just miss having you home to tell me that I’m an amazing person.

I know that’s really super selfish. Your family’s been difficult. You know what happened with the baby shower situation.

They’re pretty angry at me for not inviting your sister. And oh my goodness, your grandbaby is the cutest thing, and I’m so excited to be a grandma. And I’ve been able to see that baby every week.

Isn’t she just what brings me joy? And she would have brought you so much joy. So I’m inspired to try to do my own Wind Phone and I’m gonna reach out to the city tomorrow, actually.

Maria and I want to dedicate it to you and Ricky. We’d like to think that you guys are up there conspiring just as we’re down here conspiring to be the Widow Sisters, apparently. It’s real lame turning 48 and being a widow for three years.

It’s worse for Maria. She’s, you know, 41. So it’s not really our plan, right?

And of course, she’s got sweet Aria. So I hope you’re watching over us.

So I’m not sure if I have the right phone number for the Wind Phone calls, but I wanted to try it and leave a message for my dad.

So I’ll try.

It’s been a long time since you got soy.

I was about in my 20s and I was really young. Mostly what I really wanted to say that was really bothering me was that the last time you asked me for a hug, and I said no, because I was in a bad mood, and I thought I could just give you a hug later.

And you told me that it was okay. And I regret not giving you that hug. I also miss not being able to tell you things, like talking to you about what’s going on.

And what you missed is Bobby had a baby, and I’m with the, I love her so much. I wonder what you would have been like as a grandpa to her. You always said that you wanted us to be close, me and Bobby, but we weren’t so much anymore, and that hurt.

Uh, I don’t know. I’ve been taking care of mom, and we moved, and she’s doing better, but it’s still pretty scary. I wish, uh, Bobby talked to me regularly, you know, like, uh, that we had a better relationship.

But that’s just how it goes. At least I can still see my niece, and, uh, she knows that I love her. I don’t even know.

I didn’t even think I would cry, but, uh, maybe this is something that I needed to do. Uh, I don’t even know what to say, but mostly, uh, about that I’m sorry that I didn’t give you that hug that last time.

I didn’t know that that was going to be the last time.

The number for this show is 612-568-4441.

And we want you to call us. We want you to call us with your topics, your questions, your comments, your concerns, your feedback. So here is a little segment we call Feedback Loop, where we share some of our listener feedback right here with you.

Hi, Nora.

I listened to your episode this morning about the Wind Phone, and it was beautiful and it made me cry. It was a way to work. But all the people who talked on that episode were pretty sad and missing their folks.

And I want to use the Wind Phone to tell you how mad I am at my dead person. My dad died suddenly this past year, and when he died, I became the caregiver for my 81-year-old mom with dementia.

And so I could talk to my dad and tell him that wasn’t cool, that he left me without a plan for taking care of my mom, and that I had to figure it all out on my own, instead of being able to grieve his loss.

And I would tell him and dad that he gave me gray hairs, and I gained 25 pounds. And I would tell him that my girlfriend is taking care of mom, and that I found all of the anti-LGBTQ stuff in his phone when he died. Not a lot, but there was some.

And now there’s two queer ladies taking care of my mom. And I would also tell him, I think I found the go home for mom to go to. So that is what I would say.

Thank you for calling in and sharing that.

You’re right, everybody was really sad or loving. And grief is complicated. And I know that a lot of things that are left unsaid are the unpleasant things.

And can I tell you that in no way did you ask me to take up your cause, in no way did you ask me to pile on your dad? But I also might call him up and say, listen here, buddy, okay?

Listen here, if you really love your family, you make a plan for your death, okay? You make a plan for your death. You don’t leave people wondering what they’re supposed to do.

You don’t leave people without the resources that they need. I know not everybody can help it, but everybody can make a plan. Everybody can at least make a plan, okay?

And one part of your plan should be, if you are going to be homophobic, if you’re gonna be homophobic, you have to live with the consequences, which is now a perfect lesbian is taking care of your dead wife, and that’s what you get, buddy.

That’s what you get. Now, you might not be mad at your dad anymore, but I am.

Hey, Nora. I just listened to the episode on anger, and I’m just now starting to categorize some of my feelings from my husband’s suicide in January into anger. And you totally agree that it’s been the worst yet.

Nora really don’t want to be angry at him. But, you know, obviously, things are starting to come up by mentoring the six months of this hellscape.

But the dance floor rage bit made me want to share a hilariously horrible interaction, or two interactions that I’ve had with you, in which our wedding planner, of all people, has made two of the worst comments that I’ve gotten yet, as she is going

through a divorce that she apparently caused. First being, I ran into her, and she said, I’m getting a divorce, so we can trauma drink together. That was about three months out. Second being, ran into her again and asked, how’s it going?

Specifically, didn’t ask, how are you?

Because I was already wary of her.

And she said, oh, you know, down one husband. I turned on my heel and walked away to refrain from smacking her in the face.

People are so, so stupid.

But thanks for the podcast and the levity. I appreciate your dark humor so much. I feel like my own dark humor scared people right after my husband’s death.

But it was just the only thing that felt normal to me. Anyway, keep doing what you’re doing. Thanks.

Bye.

You are such a good person because I would have not turned on my heel.

I would have turned on my most psycho mode and gone off. And I know that about myself. But I think we have a new slogan for the show, which is, people are so, so stupid.

It’s true. People are wonderful. People are magical.

People will surprise you in ways that will leave you breathless. And they also do that in a bad way. They also say things like, you know, oh, your husband’s dead.

I’m getting a divorce. We’re going through the same thing, buddy. We’re not.

We’re not. And it’s okay that we’re not. Also, down one husband.

Really interesting thing to say to somebody whose husband just died. Not cool is how I would categorize that. But everybody here just gave me an idea.

One, we used to, it’s been a while since we’ve done one. I don’t even know if we did one in 2025. We love the grudge book.

The grudge book episodes are some of my favorites. You can call and you can tell me your grudges. You can share them with the world.

You can write them out in a dramatic email, or you can write them out in an email and I’ll do a dramatic reading if you don’t want to share your own voice. But I love hearing other people’s grudges. I really do.

I like to validate them. Hopefully, it helps you let it go because I’ve picked it up and now I carry it forever. And often, so do some of our listeners, and they’ll be like, now I can’t stand that person.

And you know what? I don’t even need to know more about them. And now I’m holding a grudge against our first feedback loop callers, Dad.

So that’s how this works. So think about that, everybody. You got a grudge?

Call it in. 612-568-4441. And new idea just sprouted.

What’s the worst thing somebody said to you when you were going through it? What were you going through? And what’s the worst thing someone said to you?

Okay.

You know, I can…

We forgive. We don’t forget is the thing. And some of those words, they do haunt us for a while.

So think about it. If you got something, call it in. 612-568-4441.

And that goes for really like pretty much anything, like topics. We want to make the shows about the things that you care about. So you got to tell us what you care about.

So all right. So I’m recording this on the third death anniversary of my father-in-law. So I just realized I have my own Wind Phone call to make.

Hi, Bill, it’s Nora. Yeah, no, things are good, things are good. So I’m actually calling, because yesterday, our water heater went out.

So I’m at work, Matthew calls me, and he says, don’t freak out. I freak out. And he goes, yeah, our hot water isn’t working, our hot water heater isn’t filling up.

Yeah, and no, he’s handy-ish, as you know, but he’s not you. He’s not you. And when I think water heaters, I think of you.

I think of when I was living with Erin in 3039 Johnson Street, Northeast, our hot water heater dissolved, busted, it was bad. And what happened? You came over.

You came over, you, I don’t, you handed me a blowtorch, Bill. You handed me a blowtorch, okay? A girl in leopard print leggings, why do I remember the outfit?

Because I remember I thought that outfit was like so cool. You don’t remember my outfit? Leopard print leggings, long, like I think it was Erin’s shirt, scandalous, like white button up and then a gray sweater over it.

And I remember that sweater because I bought it at Gap and it was on clearance. It was a v-neck pullover. And I got it in gray and like sort of like an olive green.

And I loved those. I should never have donated. This is why I don’t get rid of anything.

Okay. Anyways, back to the basement. We’re in the basement.

You hand me a blowtorch. You take the water heater like out, like I don’t know, it’s connected to all these pipes and stuff, like you just did it.

And then you hooked up a new one and I had to hold the blowtorch because then you had to blowtorch it together. I think it’s soldering. It’s soldering.

Okay.

Well, anyways, all that happened and it took you like 20 minutes.

I might be, it took you longer?

Okay.

Well, it felt like it took you 20 minutes. It was very fast and Erin and I did not know what to do. And yesterday we wanted to call you.

I wanted to tell Matthew to call you because you know that. You would never have to Google it. I know.

I know.

I mean, I miss you for more than just the fact that you were handy, but we really miss you when things go wrong.

I got to say that. But we’re okay. We’re okay.

Mamie took all the boys to see a movie today. It’s President’s Day. They didn’t have school.

Of course, we had no plan for them. And I know Mamie is so sweet. Yes, took them to the movie.

She took them to the fancy movie theater where the seats recline and they bring a meal to your chair. They got pizza and gummy bears. And I think M&Ms, but no, she didn’t get them soda.

She didn’t get them soda. And they were so mad. They came home and the first thing they did was complain about what they didn’t get.

Can you believe these kids? And you know what? That’s why we need you here.

That’s what we miss. We miss you keeping us all in line. But I love you, Bill.

I miss you. You’re such a good father-in-law and truly like one of the top 10 men I’ve ever met. I know.

You know, I know I said it to you all the time and you’d say, oh, I’m not, but you really were. And I’m so glad that I had you in my life and we love you.

All right.

Talk soon.

Bye.

I’m telling you guys, if you don’t have a wind phone near you, your cell phone can be a wind phone.

You can call us 612-568-4441, and I’ll be your wind phone. Or you can just do it alone. I don’t know, it really does feel like something.

It really does feel like something. It is something. Anyways, that’s our episode.

I’m Nora McInerny, this is Thanks For Asking, and I’m so glad to have you here. And to be doing this job, it’s been 10 years, baby. We’re coming up on 10 years in November.

That’s wild. It’s crazy. And also, I forgot to tell you guys this, because I just sometimes, you know, you know that we were nominated for an iHeart Podcast Award?

I did not know this. I don’t know if you guys nominated us. I don’t know how it happened.

Our competition is Michelle Obama. Our competition is Michelle Obama and Jay Shetty. I only respect one of those people.

I’ll tell you right now. And there’s another person. There might be two other people, but those were the ones that jumped out at me.

And so I’m going to the awards because it’s during South by Southwest, which I have not been to since decades ago, plural. I’m going, my best friend is going to meet me there. My best friend from college, Dave Gilmore, is going to meet me there.

We’re going to go to the award show. I’m going to lose to Michelle Obama. I’m going to say, guess what?

Doesn’t matter. We’re best friends. Who cares?

But that means a lot to me. I can’t believe 10 years later, that could happen, you know? So thank you for being here.

Thank you for sharing the show with the people you love, writing and reviewing. Sorry about the last episode of It’s Going To Be Okay, where the sound was so bad. I have only been podcasting for 10 years.

What you have to understand is I’ve only been doing this for 10 years. So when a microphone isn’t hooked up right, and then I leave town for a week, and Marcel has to do his best with the garbage I handed him, that sometimes happens.

And again, I’ve only been doing this a decade. You want me to be good at it? You want me to be an expert in plugging things in?

It’s not happening, okay? I’m sorry, I apologize. It’s actually deeply embarrassing for me, so I’m just making jokes so I don’t cry, which I already did.

Anyway, speaking of Marcel, he produced this episode. Our theme music is by Geoffrey Lamar Wilson. We linked to his albums.

They’re so beautiful. Truly one of the most beautiful, creative souls, beautiful musicians. Most beautiful voice.

Listen to his music. Stream his independent music. The closing theme music that you’re hearing right now is by my youngest son, Q.

There’s so much to the Thanks For Asking Nora universe. We have a Substack. It’s free.

There’s like regular essays. There’s, I don’t know, we just, you know, like we’re doing all kinds of things. We have a YouTube.

We’ll link to that. You know, do the videos come out right away? No, no, they don’t.

No, they don’t. We’re just doing our best. We’re like a little independent show now, and we’re doing things our way.

And I should say everyone’s doing things my way. And my way is chaotic. And I will change my ways.

I’m looking at the man in the mirror. Her name is Nora. And I’m telling her, change your ways.

Time to get it together. Anyways, big thanks to not just our producer, Marcel, Grace Berry, who does so much for us, but to our supporting producers. Podcasting is not the same as it was 10 years ago.

I’ll tell you what. So you can make money through podcasting if you have a ton of advertisers who are willing to pay a lot for it.

And or if you have listeners who are willing to support your show, and we do have listeners who support our show over on our Substack. And some of them are called supporting producers because they didn’t sign up monthly or annually.

They signed up for like a secret third level where you just name your person above the annual person and then you get your name in the credits. And when I tell you that’s the only benefit, that’s the only benefit.

And that and I just sometimes at night like think of these. I would recognize any of these names in public for the rest of my life. So big thanks to Augie Book, especially because I was saying it Brooke for many, many weeks.

I got gently corrected. This is the only person who’s corrected my pronunciation, and I know I’m saying a bunch of them wrong. So here we go.

Joy Heising, no name. I know that one.

Nancy Duff, Jenny Medellin, Kathleen Langerman, Jordan Jones, Ben, Jess, Tom Stockburger, Beth Thery, Sarah Garifo, Jennifer McDagle, all caps, Kathy Sigman, Sarah David, Mary Beth Berry, my high school gym teacher, Sheila, Crystal, Kaylee Sakai,

Virginia Labassi, Lizzie DeVries, Rachel Walton, David Binkley, Lisa Piven, Michelle Toms, Nicole Petey, Renee Kepke, Melody Swinford, Stacy Wilson, Car Pan, Caroline Moss, Michelle Oh, Andra Brzezinski, Amanda, Stacey DeMoro, Jess Blackwell, Abby