The Treatment

Rachel Haines is really good at gymnastics. And when you’re really good at a really demanding sport, you eventually deal with injuries. At age 12, Rachel hurts her hamstring. At age 15, she fractures her spine.

Both times, Rachel is immediately taken to the team physician, a man named Larry Nassar.

Yes, that Larry Nassar.

Rachel’s story is one of strength and survival — and, despite everything, a continued love of gymnastics. You can buy Rachel’s book here.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

I’m Nora McInerny, and this is Terrible, Thanks for Asking.

I’ve been trying to be on time lately for work. I’ve actually been trying to be EARLY, and on the day of this particular interview, I was. I was fifteen minutes early. Which didn’t matter because our subject, Rachel, got here THIRTY MINUTES EARLY.

Aside from being much more punctual than I am… Rachel is about a foot shorter than I am. She’s bubbly and smiley. She has perfect, gleaming white teeth. Toothpaste commercial teeth. A really gorgeous smile. And it’s genuine, too, as we get all settled into our little studio.

But Rachel’s the kind of person who knows how to fake a smile.

I know, we all do. I’m faking one right now. Can you hear it? My fake smile?

But Rachel’s been doing it a long, long time.

Rachel’s been a gymnast since forever and that’s what gymnasts do. It’s their job to do hard things — flip around on a beam that is narrower than one of my buttcheeks, fling their bodies from one set of bars to another, flip their bodies around and around, and to do it with a smile. To make it look easy. And FUN.

Rachel: They used to tell us that we would get cutesy points if we smiled more or looked cuter or anything like that. So I remember… Like when I would ever go to meet the judges before I would go I would be smiling I’d be giggling and be bubbly be trying to be as cute as possible because… in our heads we believed that the cuter you are, the higher score you got.

That’s what Rachel has been doing since she was four years old, when she was dragged along to her sister’s gymnastics class and thought, hey! I want to do that!

Rachel: And she got to jump in these huge foam pits and I just got to play with the Legos and I didn’t want to play with the Legos I wanted to be in the foam pits with her so… I remember that was my first memory in the gym and then… actually practicing was finally getting to jump off these huge blocks– which I’m sure I would look at now and be like that’s tiny but then it just felt like I was on top of this mountain jumping into this foam pit and I remember the feeling of falling but loving it like loving the feeling of flying for a second before I hit that pit so that’s… I was only like four… maybe five when I had my first memory but I remember it just being something that I was… so addicted to that feeling of… being so free but safe at the same time.

[MUSIC]

Rachel didn’t just do gymnastics like most kids do — it wasn’t a multi-purpose gym at her park board building, where just on the other side of a big plastic curtain there are kids learning to dribble a basketball. Where at 8pm you have to vacate the area immediately because adult rec league volleyball is about to set up and Bill is serious about his court time.

This was a gym dedicated to gymnastics. A big huge building with big pits of foam, and actual coaches. One where the little kids who are learning somersaults grow up to be bigger kids who can propel themselves across a gym floor, hands over feet over hands. It’s serious.

And Rachel loved it.

[MUSIC]

Gymnastics made Rachel special. And kids like to be special. Everyone likes to be special, okay? Me included, and if we can be special because of a skill? Or a talent? That’s even better!

She wasn’t the best soccer player, or the best singer…so she went where the glory was. She followed her strengths and her ambition. Her focus narrowed in on a thing she enjoyed at age four and mastered by fifth grade.

Rachel: In fifth grade it was absolutely fun. Yes. Because we had such a good team culture. It wasn’t really about winning but I was winning because of my talent. So… It was less competitive less stressful. There was no pressure on us. At this point I absolutely was head over heels in love with the sport.

She didn’t have a big, defined goal. She wasn’t a little girl who wanted to go to the Olympics.

Rachel: I just wanted to flip and I wanted to be good at it.

And she was. Because of a ton of work. Because she spent years on the road. At least 2 hours a day just driving to and from the gym. Rachel spent hours of practice and full weekends at gymnastics meets. And her parents spent a lot of time — and money — making all of this possible for her. They loved that she loved it. They made it to every meet, always making eye contact with her after every event, pride and joy spilling from their faces.

And in seventh grade… ambitious 11-year-old Rachel qualified to go to Nationals. It was in Missouri, which was a big drive. But her mom and her aunt packed up little Rachel and all her itchy leotards and they road-tripped all the way from Michigan to Missouri.

In her hotel the night before the meet… Rachel got a migraine. She had started to get them recently. And this one was bad. In the morning, it escalated once she got to the gym.

Rachel: And we started warming up on the beam and I literally put my hands on the beam and that’s when the spot started.

Soon, Rachel was in a ton of pain and blind in her right eye. But she didn’t want to quit.

Rachel: I was just like I have to make this somewhat worth it for the people who drove all the way down and… I remember my dad was working like double shifts so my mom could do this.

So Rachel still did her main event — beam and floor routine — even with just one good eye. She didn’t do very well.

Rachel: Got an eight nine which is a horrible score.

AWful, right?

Yes, that’s out of ten. Yes, it’s basically an A minus/B plus.

But when you’re a person who is used to winning? To getting perfect scores? Anything less than perfect is…failure.

Rachel: And I remember leaving the arena and throwing up right outside of it because my head hurts so bad and… and I think from that moment I put pressure on myself throughout the sport.

[MUSIC]

[[[[That summer,]]] So Rachel started working with new purpose. She wanted to get back to Nationals… and to win.

So she worked all year. But the next spring, right before Regionals… Rachel’s home gym closed. It was traumatic. That was the place she’d fallen in love with gymnastics, where she’d spent hours and hours of her life so far. but there was another one she could attend. It was two hours away. TWO HOURS AWAY! THAT’S NOW FOUR HOURS IN A CAR EACH DAY. But they were the very best, a place known for creating champions. And that’s what Rachel wanted to be. A champion.

Rachel: I actually remember it to a tee I remember– because these are the girls that I would look for at meets. These are the names that I knew. And I remember seeing all the faces to the names and they were not in these glitz and glam leotards I’m like “Oh my goodness they’re human. They’re not robots.” They… they practice they aren’t just this talented on their own. I mean these people win every meet they go to. Second place is no option for them so… I was like “I have to work double as hard just to earn my spot here.”

Rachel worked hard at that gym. And she belonged there. It was a serious place. The athletes were expected to work hard, and to respect their coaches.

Which is why when one friday… a teammate of Rachel’s rolled her eyes at their coach, and all the girls were punished with extra drills. They’re expected to show up early the next day, too. They’re getting ready for regionals, which is how you qualify for nationals, which is where colleges scout you…Rachel gets there the next morning, feeling stiff and sore.

Rachel: I remember looking at like the line on the floor that I usually warm up my skills before I go on the beam… And just be like “I can’t. I can’t do those numbers today. I’m just going to chuck it on the beam. It will be fine. Less numbers. My Back’ll feel fine.” And I remember bending forward from my back tuck and hearing a crack and… Once you commit to a skill you have to just finish it. And so I bent forward, I heard it shift I heard it cracked and then I set. So that’s where you just like throw back for the back Tuck and it cracked again. I was flipping so I was mid-air. It was broken twice. And then I remember landing like hands first on the beam. So my backflip was so short to the beam like my ponytail grazed it and my hands came down on the beam and it shifted again when I rolled onto the floor and… It’s quite the drop if you’re like laying… On top of the beam and I just remember laying there thinking like “It’s it’s broken. It’s– my legs are tingling. Everything is numb.” And I remember John being at my side in like two seconds. He carried me over to the floor and he was like “OK we’re not getting up. Let’s get you some ice.” And that was when he was like “We need to get you to the hospital.” And he called our team’s physician which was Larry Nassar.

Yes, Larry Nassar.

That Larry Nassar. The Larry Nassar from the news. Who was a doctor of osteopathic medicine who treated hundreds of female athletes… and he was convicted of child pornography and first-degree criminal sexual conduct… leading to multiple sentences combining to well more than 100 years in prison.

He was Rachel’s doctor at the gym.

The doctor she was sent to see when she heard a crack, and lost feeling in her legs.

[[MIDROLL 1]]

And… we’re back. 15 year old Rachel has just maybe broken her spine on the beam. And was immediately taken to her doctor. Larry Nassar.

Which wasn’t unusual.

Most of the girls at Rachel’s gym saw Larry, actually. They saw him during practice, and on weekends. Sometimes even at his house.

Rachel: The first time I saw him was at Twistars in their little back gym. But… It was like a little storage unit where they kept all the recreational equipment. But… I remember there being like 20 other girls in that room at the same time.

It was Larry who treated Rachel’s hamstring when she hurt it three years earlier. And Larry who saw her when she heard that crack. Larry was the doctor they went to for the more routine injuries — sprains, strains — and the more serious ones, too.

Rachel: I remember Larry’s first question to me was “Do you want to– Do you want to go to regionals? Do want to go nationals? I mean what are your goals?” And he did like the tests where he like runs his hands down my spine. And he was like “We know what’s wrong. Do you want to confirm it?” And so it is basically like “Do you want to compete at regionals and nationals?” And sophomore year is such a critical point for college scholarships. And I knew I had people watching me. I was– I was the number one recruit at that point. It was… I had eyes on me and if I didn’t do regionals nationals that would be… That would be it. That my– my career would be done. And so… My goal of getting a college scholarship would basically be over. And so I was like “I have to. I have to do regionals. I have to do nationals. I have to compete.” And so he’s like “Ok. We’re not going to get an X-ray. We’re not going to get an MRI. You’re going to take three days off. And then we’re going to come back in.”

Rachel took three days and some ibuprofen for her broken back. A doctor had told her that was fine. A doctor told her that the only thing standing between her and her goals was her own tolerance for pain. That what it came down to was her own ambition. What did she want?

This isn’t just any doctor. This is THE doctor for the gym. This is THE doctor for hundreds of other female athletes that Rachel had looked up to and competed against and alongside. For the Olympics. He’s a doctor that they all trust. And they all love.

Rachel: So he came to our gym every Monday night and I used to think “Oh my gosh he’s the nicest person he volunteers his time.” Every Monday he would come after practice so our practice would finish at 8:00 and he would stay till midnight. Helping all these girls because there’s hundreds of girls at Twistars with injuries. And so… but he would dedicate his time every Monday to fix all those injuries and I used to think it was so saint-like like “Oh my goodness he’s volunteering.

This is THE doctor who donates his time to treat these girls. There is no reason not to trust him, or his judgment. So that’s what Rachel does. She ignores her body and her parents and listens to the doctor.

And Larry does treat her. The same way he treats all of the girls. The same way he had treated her hamstring injury when she was 12 years old.

Rachel: The first meeting he said “OK. Like I can treat all of the muscles and ligaments around the injured place but if any of them are tight you’re going to feel pain.” And so he would always tell me like “You have muscles that I just can’t massage from the outside. They– I have to–” He called it “Internal manipulation.” And it would be where he would massage your muscles on the inside that he couldn’t get to… to relax the muscles around your injury. He justified it as “If you want to be in little or less pain, the muscles around it have to relax. And the only way I can do that is from the inside.” And Then with the introduction he would always say “OK now you… You can’t wear obviously you can’t wear your pants when you come to see me. You have to keep your leotard on. And I remember it being so gross that I was like– it was after five hour practice. I mean I was sweaty. And I was just like I don’t I don’t want this. Like this– I feel uncomfortable as a 12 year old that this is part of my treatment when I feel disgusting. And it feels like you’re making it more disgusting. So it was just like I knew at that point what he was doing was making me uncomfortable but he had justified it as “You’ll feel less pain.” And I knew I was in so much pain. So like anything anything to lessen this.

Nora: Right. Also it’s like he’s a doctor. You’re a child. Also every other girl is getting it.

Rachel: And every other girl’s in this room and they’re not stopping it. So…

So… it must not be that big of a deal, you know? And if all these girls are still competing and still winning? It must be working. This normalization… this was a key part of the grooming that Larry did with the girls. Just make it a part of the routine that an authority controls. Nothing to worry about. The girls called it The Treatment.

Rachel: Us as teammates would talk about it. We would be like. “Are you getting this treatment too” we had a lot of torn hamstrings. We had actually a lot of spinal fractures so we were like…. I had my my best friend actually broke her back like the same week that I did. So… I remember like asking her like “Are you getting this treatment? Like is this making you uncomfortable?” And she was like “Yeah but it’s Larry. I mean does this to all the spinal fractures.” So I was just like super quick brushed under the rug. Totally normal.

Totally normal. But… Rachel had noticed something with The Treatment. Something that didn’t seem quite normal. Something that gave her pause.

Rachel: When I broke my back I was like “oh this is– this is strange I’m getting the same treatment for a hamstring… for a fractured spine.” And like those those dots did connect for a second but then I was like “oh it’s probably just same muscles same area.”

Nora: Who knows. You know who knows? A doctor.

Rachel: Doctor. Yeah.

Nora: Yeah.

[MUSIC]

Rachel pushes through the pain of a broken spine… which just that sentence alone. Holy cats. And you know what… she does more than push through. She makes it look easy. Like she always does. Just months later… Rachel competes in Regionals…which is what she was practicing for the day she broke her spine…

Rachel: And I remember at regionals looking up to my parents like “I did it. Like I did it I did what I wanted to do.” And I remember them almost looking like “Dang it we’ve got one more. Like we’ve got another meet.” And and they were so supportive I could tell that they were happy for me but part of them was like… I was hoping that you weren’t going to make it so we could heal. And I could see that in her face. But in my teenager brain I was like “Yeah. Proved you all wrong.” Type thing. So…

So…she qualified for Nationals, in California. On the mat and the beam, Rachel is incredible. She looks like the star that the is, a girl who is already being scouted by colleges, who is out there competing for a future where college could be paid for.

Off the mat, she’s in her hotel room, laying down. It hurt too much to walk any more than she has to.

Rachel: I was on a lot of Addaprin. A lot of mediproxen. I was just like taking all of it because I couldn’t bear the pain. And I remember my legs were starting to go numb at that point. So I would put icy hot on all down my legs cause like that tingling sensation was what I needed to like feel my legs.

Nora: How did you do at Nationals with a broken spine?

Rachel: Pretty Good.

Nora: Like what’s pretty good? Better than an 8.9?

Rachel: I think that year I took…. maybe like 6th all around. Which is pretty good at Nationals so I was I was really happy with my results. Especially with all the pain that I was in. Honestly that Nationals is a blur because I was so medicated.

After Nationals… Rachel and her parents did get a second opinion. They got 10 second opinions. Opinions that confirmed that she had fractured her spine. But none of those doctors really GOT IT like Larry did. They kept telling Rachel things that she didn’t want to hear.

Rachel: I remember a lot of them said, “How did you walk in here today? You shouldn’t have feeling in your legs because your spine has crumbled into your spinal cord.” And it is just like “Well I’m walking. I’m here.” Like a week later I was fitted for this huge cast which is horrifying. I mean it was just like plastic and it went from just under my bra line so I couldn’t wear bra cause it cut into right there all the way down to like above my butt. It was like this huge turtle shell thing that I had to wear all the time and I had to sleep in and I remember it being close to the end of the school year– because Nationals happens in like April and…. I had to wear it for a good three months.

At this point, Rachel’s identity is that…she’s a gymnast. She’s the girl who used to leave school early in her gymnastics clothes, just to get to the fancy gym that was two hours away. She’s the girl who just went to California and came home with (medals? Trophies?). She’s the best of the best. Except now, she’s a girl in a back brace and sweatpants walking gingerly through the hallways of her high school. And high schoolers are…not always tender to the suffering of their classmates.

Rachel: And it was like a joke to them and so then that really tore my self-confidence as well because I was like I legitimately can’t fit into my dresses anymore I’m not working out I’m in this turtle shell. I’m going to live in my sweat pants and stuff. And so that was a really really hard time… For my mental health. I think that’s when I first started developing like the little bit of depression and anxiety because I was worried about what other people thought. And… I was worried about my parents– and I’m in high school and it was just… I was already going through a lot and it was just…. It was Horrible.

[MUSIC]

This period of time actually made her MORE loyal to Larry. Because her body was broken and Larry was the only person who would tell her that everyone else was wrong. She CAN do this. She WILL be okay. She WILL compete again.

Larry continued to treat Rachel. He continued The Treatment. Rachel was anxious. Since 8th grade, she had scouts constantly watching her. She’d been aware of this, that in the stands, tucked in among all the parents and family members? There are scouts for the major university gymnastics programs. They kept track of her scores. They were evaluating her.

Rachel: If you follow gymnastics, college gymnastics and all, The SEC is very talented very good. They are oftentimes at the top of the national podium that type of thing. And they had politely ghosted me. And then some of the Big Ten schools brought me to their campus and said “No.” And that was those are my two hard rejections where I was like “Why? Why bring me here? Why do this to me?”

One day… recruiters from the University of Minnesota came to Rachel’s gym to watch her practice. She’s just lost the back brace, and she had been cleared for the gym. All she does that day — all these recruiters see her do — is hang from the bar.

Rachel: For some reason after that I got the call from Minnesota that said “We want you to come out.” And that was after they had seen me and my turtle shell after they had seen me… Do one thing for five hours. And I remember going to their campus and them saying “We are so enthusiastic about your passion for the sport that you still have fighting this injury. We could see it in your face. We could see how happy you were just to be in the gym and that’s the kind of culture we like to have here. Where it’s just girls that love the sport because with love comes passion and with love comes success.” And so they were drawn to that part of my personality that no other college was. And so I remember sitting down in their office after– after their big day and I was like “Oh great here we go again. Just going to tell me no.” But they sat me down and they were like “You are absolutely everything we’re looking for. We would love to offer you a full ride.”

A full ride.

She did it.

Broken spine, turtle shell and all.

It was all worth it. Every hour spent in a car or a gym. Every sprain and strain and blister. Every itchy leotard. Every treatment.

It all paid off.

Rachel was so grateful to her teammates, to her coach, to her parents who had done so much. And to Larry, who had kept telling her to just bear the pain and get the treatments. He was right.

That elation quickly became something else. Pressure.

Rachel: And then it became more “OK I have to pay these people back.” And I– the only way I know how to do that is with success in the sport. I have to… I’ve gotten my scholarship but now I have to keep earning it. I can’t lose it. So it was it was more that pressure than was put on my shoulders of… “OK you’ve you’ve bought me as the state fair animal. Let me continue to show you my worth and that I was a good investment.”

We’ll be right back.

[[[MIDROLL 2]]]

And we’re back.

Rachel had stuck with gymnastics because she knew it could be a ticket into college. SHE’D BROKEN HER SPINE. SPENT IN A BACK BRACE. AND STILL GOTTEN A FULL RIDE. And her doctor had told her that the only thing that could hold her back… was her own weakness.

Rachel: I kept competing because Larry was like “You’re not doing any further damage. I mean it’s broken. It’s basically dependent on your pain tolerance. If you wanted to regionals Nationals you’re not going hurt yourself. It’s just how much can you bear. How, How tough are you?” And I remember him asking “How tough are you?” I’m like “Well I’m the toughest in the world.”

Rachel spends her junior and senior year of high school still competing. Still winning. Still desperate to prove to everyone that she is strong. That she can do this. That she was worth the investment so far, and will be worth it once she gets to college.

Rachel: Senior year I never lost a meet. I was… I won every single one. And I was… The number one recruit in the nation. So I was– at that point I had not only proved people wrong, I had made them jealous of what they missed. And so it was– that was I think my favorite year of gymnastics was my senior year because I was undefeated. Especially on floor which is… a hard event. And.. and I had just earned my spot and I was really satisfied with the way I was competing. So that was great.

Nora: And what is your pain like?

Rachel: Oh horrible. Oh it’s horrible. There’s– I couldn’t sleep unless I had two pillows between my knees and I was rolled on my side. I could never use a pillow on my head because it just shaped my spine just right where it was I’m in a lot of pain. I remember one day at school… I was just going to the bathroom. I remember I was like sitting down. And… It cracked in a way that… Just brought me to my knees and so I remember legitimately being stuck in the bathroom stall. Had to call my mom to come and get me because I was stuck in a seated position. Couldn’t stand couldn’t move because the way that my spine had shifted it had locked. And so I needed to go to the E.R. Get like a numbing shot. They had to put it back in place. But it was pain every day. I couldn’t climb more than one flight of stairs that my legs going numb. I had… I couldn’t lift my big toe anymore which is actually a huge problem if you Google… Google spine injuries. But I was just ignoring it. And I had all the warning signs of… Rachel this is a serious problem. But I was just ignoring them because I was winning. I was I was doing exactly what I needed to do to make me happy. And so none of none of the pain meant anything to me.

Nora: Was it still fun?

Rachel: It was fun to win. It was fun to win it was not fun to practice. It was not fun to be in that much pain. It was not fun to have all that pressure on me. But it was… It was fun every time I was at the top of the podium. And it was fun every time they called my name for first place and so that made it worth it. But I wouldn’t say the whole sport at that time was fun.

[MUSIC]

[TAPE OF COACH]

When she graduated high school… Rachel packs up and heads off to college at the University of Minnesota.

[TAPE OF RACHEL]

MINNESOTA. Far from Larry. With a different group of team doctors. And these doctors… they had` a different plan for Rachel. AND IT SEEMS TO NOT BE WORKING LIKE LARRY’S DID

Rachel: I noticed when I wasn’t getting the treatment in college they cut out floor. I wasn’t allowed to do floor anymore. And then they cut out bars. And I wasn’t allowed to do bars anymore because I was in so much pain.

[MUSIC]

And I was like “It’s because I’m not getting The Treatment. I don’t care if like they’re not educated enough.” So I associated my ability to do gymnastics because of Larry’s treatments.

Rachel advised her new school doctors to reach out Larry, assuming he’d tell them about The Treatment and she’d get it and then by able to compete again.

Her doctors get in touch with Larry, and Larry outlines for them the work he did with Rachel. But he doesn’t mention The Treatment. Which… Rachel thought was kind of strange. Isn’t that what is supposed to help?

[MUSIC]

Rachel still saw Larry when she’s back home on breaks and Holidays. He does The Treatment. But her back keeps getting worse. In 2015, Rachel was a sophomore in college.

Rachel: I was in so much pain. So I remember like that being my breaking point I was like “I can’t do this anymore. Like I it is affecting me I can’t go to class I can’t– take the bus because I can’t even walk to the bus stop. Like it’s that bad. I can’t lift my feet up anymore I’ve got no feeling my knees–” It had gotten to the point where… Instead of just putting icy hot on, first I would splash on hot water to like open up the pores and then I would put icy hot patches on– tape those on as tight as possible so that was like cutting off circulation to the point where I felt the pain a little bit and that pain was a sensation I needed to do my gymnastics because it was better than nothing. And I like that– In 2015 I realized “This is stupid. Like why am I pouring hot water on myself to feel this pain to feel my legs enough to flip. I mean on a four inch beam. This is this is idiotic. What am I doing?”

Rachel needed to talk to someone. Someone who gets it. Who gets HER. Her pain, and her ambition. So Rachel does what she always did when she was having pain. She called Larry.

Rachel: I was in my apartment. I was in my apartment and I remember it clear as day because…. whenever I talked to Larry it was like talking to a friend and so… It started out so casual I was just sitting on my bed and then all of a sudden he started getting so cold and so then I remember pacing. And I remember him just being silent when I was telling him like what hurt what I was doing wasn’t working what was. His response which is so cold he’s like “OK. It’s time to quit.” And then I remember feeling my chest burn when he was telling me “This is it. You’re done.” And I was just in shock. I was like “Wait wait wait no. You’re the one who believes in me like what. What’s going on?” He’s like “Well Rachel. I mean if you can’t do it anymore I have always told you that it’s just what you can bear. So… Maybe we’re done.” And I remember thinking “No Larry you’ve always told me that I’m the strongest person you know. Like what… I am strong like. Just tell me what I can do.” And he’s like “No this is it. This is– it’s time to quit.” And I was like “OK.” And I like I left. I hung up that phone call and start crying crying and… I think that was when I had my first…. Real very serious panic attack was when I hung up that phone and was like “Larry does not believe in me anymore. Larry told me to be done.” And… I didn’t know where to go. I mean it felt like my whole identity had been ripped from me in that moment.

Nora: What was the next thing you did? What was your next phone call?

Rachel: There’s probably a good hour later that I just like got up from the floor and was just like “OK I need to call my parents. I need to talk to them” because they were the next people who always believed in me. And they also trusted Larry. And they were like “Rachel whatever Larry says, we have to, we have to trust. I mean he’s the best in the world and he’s always been very honest and upfront with you. If he says you’re done, you’re done.” And I was like “OK I’m going to go talk to my trainers. I’m going to go talk to my coaches see what we can do. I’m not done yet.”

Rachel went to her trainers at the University and told them that Larry said it was time to be done. AND that she wasn’t ready. And like one does when they are in a period of grief, she began bargaining…

Rachel: Can we compromise? I’ve still got two years left. Can I just have one? Can I just have one more? I can’t end 21 years of gymnastics with a phone call. I mean it’s got to be I have to have closure.” And so I remember them… Only letting me do two events that year. And I had one more year and I did not do a single routine in the gym. And I would only compete. So it was just everything was mental training everything was visualizing. They they completely cut out my numbers. I did no strength I did no conditioning no endurance no routines. And they just let me compete.

AUDIO OF ONE OF HER COMPETITIONS??

With no training — NONE — with only visualization and muscle memory, Rachel got her career high on beam that Junior year. A 9.950. Which, rounding up, is a ten.

[MUSIC]

What Rachel didn’t know when she was on the phone was that an investigation for sexual abuse had started for Larry Nassar at his university. It was not the first investigation, but Rachel thinks that his abrupt response was similar to one he was giving to hundreds of other girls to whom he had given The Treatment and from whom he was now trying to distance himself.

Rachel had heard rumors about Larry before. But she had always brushed them off.

Rachel: No. Come on. Where people were just like say like “Larry Nesser accused” but I’m like accused of what? Like what…

Nora: Right.

Rachel: What what’s the story here tell us what happened.

Rachel was not alone. A lot of the girls who got the treatment didn’t believe the allegations against Larry. He had explained the treatment, even in powerpoints he wrote to exhonerate himself in a investigations… as a medical treatment. A form of myofascial release. Larry had hoodwinked the whole entire community. Hundreds of girls. Even more grownups.

And then, one day, she reads something. By another one of the athletes that Larry treated. And this one is different.

Rachel: I was sitting in my bed and scrolling through Facebook and I remember there being an article that says “Gymnast tells story of abuse”. And I was like “Oh. Another one.” But I clicked on it and I read it and she was like the first person to truly give a detailed account of her abuse and she would go… She would like describe the treatment and how he introduced the treatment. I’m like “Oh that’s how he introduced with me like she’s just oblivious like to that to the medical part of it.”

Rachel: So you read it as a skeptic.

Rachel: As a skeptic. I was truly on Larry’s side at this point and… I was reading it and I was like “OK that’s what he told me. Nice job.” And then she went into like… The details of the abuse and the ways it made her uncomfortable and then the red flags that she had. And I was like “Wait a second… I had these red flags. Why didn’t I see these?” And I kept reading them more and more and being like “Wait a second, that’s my treatment. Wait a second. This is wrong.” She’s attached to all of these different research articles that you need to wear gloves you need to ask for consent. You can’t just tell us what we’re doing and… All of the red flags of he always required us to wear leotards to our treatment and we weren’t allowed to like change into our normal clothes. And I remember being like that was weird. And that was weird that he didn’t tell my college coaches this and like all the red flags came popping back up and at the end of the article I remember being like “Oh my gosh. I am a victim of Larry Nassar too.

If she is a victim. So am I. I mean if this is– qualifies as abuse, then I was abused for six years.” And I’m not on his side and he might be a monster. This man that I put all my trust in that had gotten me through all of this, that I had once seen as saint like is now a monster.

[MUSIC]

Rachel: It was definitely another chest burning, turning red and blotchy, face was on fire but I was cold sweating type of moments. It was… I don’t know what to do next. Like what do you do once you realize that has happened I mean it’s different from like an experience that you’ve just just had of where I had six years of that. How– what do I do next? Like I said I can’t go to the doctor and report it. I mean it’s not applicable anymore. I can’t– I can’t do that. Where do I go I can’t tell my parents. I mean they trusted him maybe even more so than I did. What do I do next? And so it was like I almost felt lost and angry and anxious and I just it just sunk into this dark hole of “I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do.”

[MUSIC OUT]

Rachel wasn’t the only woman feeling like this. Woman after woman after woman came forward, investigations were launched, and finally, Larry’s time was up. Larry Nassar went on trial for possessing a lot of child pornography. And for abusing hundreds of women and girls.

At his abuse trial, 156 women testified to his abuse. For some of them it started as young as 6. There were swimmers, rowers, softball players, dancers. And so many gymnasts. They outlined a pattern that had been going on for more than 20 years.

Rachel participated in that trial. She got up, and she read a letter she had written. The first draft had been angry. So angry. At what he had done to her. But she didn’t want to make it about him. She didn’t think he was going to hear it.

Rachel: And so my speech was… My step to forgiveness because I knew if I didn’t forgive him I would be still that angry sixty years down the road. So he needed to new that– know that I forgave the human part of him. And the monster side will be forgiven later.

It was her way of making it about her. Of reframing it away from the horrible narrative of the abuse and the anger. That is what she needed to say to him.

[MUSIC]

Nora: Gymnasts make hard things look really easy. Do you think a part of you still has that mentality?

Rachel: Absolutely.

Nora: And wants to be like “And now I made it into this thing?”

Rachel: And… Even in my speech I put “Larry you always told me that I’m the strongest person you’ve known. You’ve just given me my next obstacle to be stronger than.” I mean that’s a direct quote from what I said because I was like “You’ve always believed that I could overcome anything and thank you for giving me my next hurdle.” So it was just the gymnast’s mentality of “I’m better than this. I’m stronger than this. I can do this.” Making the hard things look easy even though they are so far from easy.

It’s not easy. None of it is. And the effects that Larry had on Rachel are immense and they are forever. Because it’s not just what he did to her. It’s what he was NOT doing FOR her.

Larry was the team doctor. And she and her parents trusted him — like hundreds of other athletes and their parents trusted him — to keep her healthy. A brief aside about her parents — they aren’t a part of this story, and I want to respect that. And I also want to say that it’s okay, from the outside, to say what you would or would not do in this situation, what would or would not happen if this was you, or your kid. And that exercise is useless and I don’t want to hear it, okay? Good talk.

This is about Rachel.

Larry kept Rachel injured. He kept her needing the treatment, while neglecting to actually treat the thing that was very, very wrong with her. He told her… over and over and over… when other doctors said it was nuts to continue gymnastics… that nothing more could go wrong with her spine.

But, after she had finished college… talking with other doctors, it became clear that wasn’t the case.

Rachel: Got another MRI. And they popped it up on that little lighted screen. And it was absolutely shattered. And it had crumbled in on itself. I think they had determined that I had like 60 percent paralysis in my legs because it had just permanently damaged the spinal cord and I was just like “Larry– Larry told me that the damage wasn’t getting any worse.” But it was. My back was not stable. It was moving. And I remember them being “We need immediate action. We need to go into surgery. We need to fix this or this– You’re not going be able to have kids. You’re not going to be able to walk in five years.” And so a month later I was getting a four level spinal fusion. And that’s where they go in and they basically take all your disks out and they line everything back up they they put a bunch of rods and a bunch of screws in and it’s a very intense surgery. I think I was the youngest in the surgery by like 29 years.
[MUSIC]

Larry made this about Rachel’s strength. When her strength was never in question.

If strength is what you can bear, what you can smile through, what you can survive?

Rachel is strong. And always has been.

Rachel can forgive Larry. She can let go of the anger. She can go to therapy. She can write a book. These are all things she’s done. And these, too, are different feats of strength.

Whatever Rachel does And through it all, she’s going to be doing these things with screws and bolts holding her spinal column together. A gymnast no longer to be able to touch her toes. [[[[[With Tingling legs, inability to bend over?]]]]

Rachel is used to being very good at things. To reaching career highs when her spine was crumbling in on itself. She is one of those people who is naturally, intrinsically driven. Whose natural predilections found the perfect sport to thrive in.

Rachel is now a coach. She has a degree in child psych and social work — fields she gravitated towards before she even recognized herself as a survivor. She’s writing and advocating. She’s getting married to her college sweetheart.

She’s still trying to land it. Still trying to be the best. Still smiling through it. Making it look easy, even though it is anything but. Always, at heart, a gymnast.