Help Me Remember

Dawn is a nurse. In June of 2015, she was injured on the job by one of her patients and suffered a traumatic brain injury.

Dawn’s husband and their kids have been in deep, deep grief since that day in 2015. Not because Dawn died — she’s very much alive, thank goodness. But because Dawn isn’t the same person she used to be.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

NARRATION
A quick warning that this episode contains references to suicide, sex, and some strong language.
Hans: Here we go. John what did you have for breakfast this morning?
John: I stopped at a donut shop by one of my schools and had a donut.
NARRATION – INTRO
Our producer Hans started this interview with the Pereda family the same way we start literally all of our interviews.
Hans: Grace what did you have for breakfast this morning??
Grace: Toast.
Hans: Was it delicious?
Grace: Sort of.
NARRATION – BREAKFAST
We love using this question because it’s informative and because it’s a tradition in public radio to get your levels by asking…
Hans: Nora what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Nora: I had breakfast at 2pm and I had five pieces of toast with Nutella.
Hans: Nutritional.
Nora: Very nutritional.
NARRATION -INTRO That last one is me. I’m Nora McInerny… I am an adult who ate five pieces of nutella toast for breakfast at 2pm…and you’re listening to Terrible, thanks for Asking…
Hans: Dawn how about you? what did you have for breakfast?
Dawn: I don’t remember. Which is common.
NARRATION – DAWN
And this is Dawn.
Hans: Say that for me one more time. What did you… what did you have for lunch yesterday?
Dawn: I absolutely have no idea.
[MUSIC]
NARRATION – MEMORY
Now, I had a baby 4 weeks ago, so if I was to answer that question with an “I don’t remember” everyone would just laugh and say “mom brain”. Which is actually a thing, by the way. But I prefer to call it momnesia because it’s more clever. We all laugh at memory. We joke about our fuzzy brains, and our forgetfulness. How we’d forget our head if it wasn’t attached. Or our wallets on top of the car. NOT LIKE I HAVE EVER DONE THAT.
But Dawn is different. She really, actually can’t remember her breakfast. Or her lunch from the day before. Or from any day before that. Not any day since June of 2015.
Dawn: I have a statement I wrote out to say… So I am a nurse. I was injured by a patient while working… and this injury resulted in a brain injury that I live with and struggle with every day. And so I can’t explain it. And I don’t know why but some things I can remember and a lot of things I can’t.
Nora: Do you remember the injury?
Dawn: Not really.
NARRATION
What we do know is what she told her husband John.
John: I remember the day she came home and kind of described to me what happened. When she told me that she had gotten hit on the head and that she had hit the sink and she had hit the toilet and hit the floor and got knocked out… I used to work in neuro and I was very concerned with any head injury but… for my wife I was very concerned that they would just send her home and not send her to the emergency room to be checked out.
NARRATION
So John took her in to the emergency room. By the time they got there, Dawn had already forgotten what had happened to her, and it was up to John to tell the doctors what Dawn had told him only a few hours before.
John: I want to say were there probably six or seven hours in the emergency room just getting X-rays done and waiting for things like that.
Nora: What was… what did the C.T. scan show.
John: With the brain injuries they usually don’t show much so they said there’s some evidence that there might have be en… there was a contusion but… there was no bleed or anything like that it was just bruising of the brain.
[MUSIC OUT]
NARRATION Ultimately, Dawn was given a series of diagnoses, including PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury… also known as TBI.
TBI indicates damage to the head that has resulted in damage to the brain. It covers everything from slight concussions to gunshot wounds. And the effects and likelihood of recovery are all over the map as well. Some people recover quickly. Others are severely disabled for the rest of their lives. And some people die.
TBI has gotten some attention in the last couple of years because of football and the effects of repeated head injuries. But I think most people don’t realize how common they can be outside of professional sports. According to the CDC, in 2010 there were 2.5 million visits in the US to ERs and hospitals… and more than 50,000 deaths from Traumatic Brain Injuries.
But… this episode is not about Dawn’s incident. About the blow… or maybe blows to her head that started her down this path. For what we’re going to talk about… it doesn’t matter how she was injured. And it doesn’t really matter what you call it. What matter is that whatever happened that day in 2015 has affected Dawn and her family every day since, and may for the rest of their lives. [MUSIC]
NARRATION – BACK STORY
So… we heard about Dawn’s situation when she wrote us an email.
Actually, she wrote us a few emails. Because she didn’t remember she’d already sent one. And she couldn’t remember if they said what she wanted them to say. Some of them she asked her husband John to read, and then she’d need to send a correction email to add more information. And her repeated emails all said the same thing, but slightly differently. That she and her family were grieving the loss of Dawn.
Dawn, who is still alive.
We didn’t know quite what the story was, we just knew we wanted to hear it. So we asked Dawn to come in with her family. Dawn and I meet in the lobby of our studios at Minnesota Public Radio. i am five minutes late, which is like 15 minutes early for me. I am a mes because I raced to the studio from my home, where I’ve been pinned under a newborn baby who doesn’t want me to get any work done.
Dawn is put together. She is wearing makeup and a fashionable mix of layers appropriate for a Minnesota winter. And she is wearing a combination of wonder and trepidation on her face, like she wants to do a good job at whatever is happening today.
She is prepared. Dawn: I was concerned about coming today and I tried to make all sorts of notes about things that have happened are things I should tell you guys.
NARRATION
Dawn’s notes were piles of paper with scenes her story written in long form, anecdotes and examples she wanted to share. Post-its hanging from pages. Stacks of calendars with post-it notes peeking out. She had printed Hans’ email with directions to the studio, then hand copied them on a note card. She had written a reminder in her calendar to leave work to come meet us, and even then… Dawn: Honestly one of my coworkers came by my desk and she said “Dawn… why are you still here?” And I said “well I’m working.” And she said “no it takes 20 minutes to drive home you need to go home because you’re going to the cities today remember?” And then I look at my computer and all made sticky notes and it’s like “yes I need to leave”… and I know that sounds pathetic but that’s how it is. Oh here even I wore makeup today. I usually don’t wear makeup and I even made a note to put makeup on for You guys. NARRATION
Seeing Dawn in person is like seeing her emails come to life. She is here to explain to us what is happening to her, to her family, to prove that it is real. Grace: She always says help me remember or remind me.
Dawn: Don’t let me forget.
Grace: Yeah, don’t let me forget.
We all file into one of our biggest studios, sitting around a large table so we can all see one another. Dawn has asked her family to be honest. And the discomfort around honesty is immediately apparent. John sits on the opposite side of the room from his wife. He closes his eyes as she speaks. Their 12- year-old daughter Grace spins in her chair uncomfortably, her eyes darting from her mother to her father. 11- year-old Faith, who has autism and is nervous to speak to me, pulls her knees to her chest and lowers her head. Dawn sits next to me, and starts immediately.
Dawn: So… I’ve had approximately, 162 medical appointments for this injury and that was just with one provider. I’m still hoping for improvement but it’s… I don’t know I don’t know what’s going to come. Anyways um… [shuffles papers]… I have these calendars and they make them for me at brain therapy or at the rehab center… and, um…
NARRATION – EVIDENCE
Dawn’s calendars are stacked in front of her. She pages through her notes nervously as we speak. She has brought these things as evidence. You don’t need evidence unless you are trying to prove something. You don’t need to prove something unless people doubt you.
Dawn: And I know a lot of people say “well I use a calendar or I need to write notes” and I… don’t think the average person gets how involved it is. [MUSIC] NARRATION — DAILY LIFE
It’s hard to understand what is happening to Dawn because people don’t typically see it. Dawn: I On the outside, Dawn is a woman with a job and a family. Her injury means that she doesn’t work with patients anymore, but she does work. With patient charts. In an office. And she does raise her children. She still looks like the Dawn she was before the accident. The Dawn who has an advanced degree in nursing. Who could work three overnights a week, raise her children, who was on top of it, whatever it was. She looks like that Dawn still. Dawn wanted to come in to talk with us to show everyone what people don’t see.
What it takes to get through the day… to live a life with a the family that has watched the capable mother and wife Dawn was, replaced with this Dawn.
Dawn: So I’ll get up in if I have maybe a meeting that day or something I’ll write myself a note. Some days maybe you’re going to wear the business suit because you’re meeting with a bunch of research doctors and want to look more professional… so then I’ll remind myself “hey you know.. spend more time on your hair, put makeup on, wear the business suit” and I’ll have it hanging on a… like over the door hook. Clothes are set out ahead of time… [FADES TO WALLA]
John: [OVER WALLA] She gets lost so easily, I mean she would try to go drive to work on a route she took every single day and she wouldn’t get there. I mean I would have to have her call me and let me know that she got there and she had to write that in her notes… “call John to let him know when I get to work.”
Dawn: [FADES UP] … and then it’s you know did I decided that I’m going to drive today? Or am I going to… ride the bus and if I ride the bus then I have a sticky note wrote down with what time I’m going to get on the bus so that I know. And then also on that sticky note I’ll write down according to the bus schedule what time I’m going to get to work… [FADES TO WALLA]
John: [OVER WALLA] If something isn’t written down or something doesn’t happen the way that that book is written then it’s almost like it’s a computer program and the computer doesn’t know what to do. Dawn doesn’t know what to do. And it’s almost like she reacts not necessarily in the best of ways.
Dawn: [FADES UP] … I forget to eat meals since this happened I’ve gained about 40 pounds because I either forget to eat and then I’ll be like oh, did I eat? I don’t know if I ate. You know or then… oh I’m so hungry I don’t know why. So then I have to make myself you know notes to like eat lunch here… [FADES TO WALLA]
John: [OVER WALLA] When she would like go to work and try to go park where she normally would and there wouldn’t be a spot she would just break down and not know what to do. She would call me and say “I don’t know what to do what do I need to do?” She’d be on the side of the road or in an illegal parking spot crying because she didn’t know what the next step was. She couldn’t put one and two together to get three.
Dawn: [FADES UP] … then it’s the sticky note to remind myself after work if I have to run errands, go here go here go here… and why I’m going there… because I may write “go to the grocery store” and I’ll get to the grocery store and have no idea why I’m there. Do I have to get something for supper, am I picking up something… [FADES TO WALLA]
John: [OVER WALLA] There was quite a while there where the bathroom was seriously an issue because… there was times where she wouldn’t go to the bathroom for 10 hours or she would go to the bathroom every 15 minutes because she just couldn’t remember when she went to the bathroom.
Dawn: [FADES UP] … are we eating out tonight? Is John going to be home or is he working late? Are the girls going to be home who am I feeding supper to? … [FADES TO WALLA]
John: [OVER WALLA] I try not to move things but I also try to monitor where she puts things or when she signs up for something or when there’s something on the calendar.
Dawn: [FADES UP] the sticky notes prompt me to that next step so they give me clarification for what I’m doing in the now. They prompt me to the next step and they help me prepare for the future.
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
Dawn: John and I were at a store. Do you remember this, John? I have it listed that we were at Menard’s?
John: Yeah.
Dawn: And I…
John: We were at Menard’s and you were about five aisles away from me… and I was trying to get her attention to let you know that we should go. And you just waved back at me like hi how are you doing. And kept on doing what she was doing. So I had to go and get her.
Nora: Like this is funny but this is also scary because this is your wife. And like the mother of your children and she immediately forgot who you were.
John: There was a long time that I did not let her take the kids anywhere or be alone with anyone because of that. I mean initially it was very scary in that sense because… realistically I think she would have gone off with anybody who was friendly to her or told her they knew her. Or would have let anyone take our kids for that matter as well. [MUSIC]
Dawn: Something I struggle with is emotional liability. And I mean I’m told that’s common for people with brain injuries. So I call it the incredible hulk syndrome. I seem normal one minute then the next minute my clothes are ripping apart… metaphorically… and I’m turning green and getting angry. And I just cannot handle what’s going on around me. John: It was late August… Dawn went to an appointment by herself and she had to go from one appointment to another… and they scheduled the appointment in a different building and didn’t tell her that this doctor was supposed to be at this building and not that building so Dawn went to the wrong building and she went there and told them “No I have an appointment” and she got into an argument with the person and it elevated pretty quickly and they ended up calling security and had to have her removed from the building. NARRATION
And… like a lot of the rest of her life… Dawn doesn’t remember these moments of anger. She can tell us about them because her family remembers for her. Or because she’s written them down right after they happened.
Dawn: Apparently I have gotten out of my car at stop lights and banged on other people’s windows because I thought they were horrible drivers and I just thought they needed to know that… they made me pretty angry. NARRATION-HULK
This sort of Hulk-out, the emotional liability, isn’t limited to the grown-up situations. And while John and Dawn are recounting these stories, I can see Grace growing more fidgety, more nervous, rubbing the palms of her hands against her legs, shrinking into her sweatshirt. Glancing nervously between her parents. She has a story, too.
Grace: One time she had gotten mad and she didn’t think something was fair.
John: At one of Grace’s basketball games she felt she needed to go talk to the coach. Even though there was a rule you’re not supposed to talk to coaches for at least 24 hours after the game. And she said you know “I’m going to go do this” and I gave her a little bit of flexibility and it was a mistake on my part to let that happen because it was almost like a kid that she just went at her… Grace: And some people would keep it to themselves but she would go and talk to them and tell them what she saw and she wouldn’t think about what she was going to say first she would just say it.
John: I actually thought she was going to get physical with her because she was swinging her arms and pointing and getting just verbally escalating continually. Dawn: It’s just really hard. Some of the other parents are so mean and to hear them say bad things about my daughter and I just want to get up and you know “shut the fuck up and I don’t fucking talk about your daughter that way and John’s like alright… goodbye, come on. I feel bad. I don’t want to embarrass my kids I don’t want to be a burden to every… to anyone. Grace: I had gotten angry with her, and then after the fact I had felt horrible. This was actually… we had been at a water park for this tournament and I didn’t want to go play with my teammates or until I knew that I had forgiven her because I felt horrible out of the way I reacted because I had remembered that she can’t really control and that’s not necessarily her fault.
NARRATION – GRACE
Grace is an uncommonly wonderful middle schooler. At her age, I was absolutely horrified by everything my fairly conventional mother did. One time, my mother came to my softball game and I noticed her leg hair and I verbally berated her in the car for being a normal human mammal. Like, I wanted her to put me up for adoption. Grace has this sweet, serene core to her. The phrase that comes to mind is wise beyond her years. In Grace’s case, she got this by taking care of the people she loves at a very young age. Her sister Faith, who had been sitting quietly next to her this whole time, has autism. Her older brother Chris also suffered a brain injury a few years ago in an accident. Her world is different from her peers. It’s something that she acknowledges, but doesn’t lament. Even with this new situation that requires her to take more care of her mother.
Grace: It’s not how you used to be but I know she needs help like I would grow up helping Faith explain the kids how she’s different stand up for her and explain what she was saying to other people. And when my brother got his brain injury my mom would always say “grace could you watch Chris even though he was like six years older than me.” And so it’s kind of how I just grew up so I was just… it was just a different person to help. Nora: You guys did a good job with her. She’s so lovely. John: She has a huge heart. Definitely. I mean she looks after everyone in the family and… she used to ride the special ed bus with her sister to school every day and helped on the bus and helped all the kids and was friendly with them in school. Which is makes it even tough as well because… Dawn’s not the parents he used to be either. I mean she… when it comes to discipline I have to physically stop her sometimes… not because of physical types of things but she explodes verbally on the kids sometimes in ways that… it’s very hurtful to the kids, it’s hurtful to me to see. And I know it’s not who Dawn is as a person. I know that that’s not what she wants to portray to our kids.
Nora: Girls, can you tell me about that?
Dawn: Can Faith maybe talk Faith is so quiet.
[MUSIC]
NARRATION – FAITH
An hour into the interview, and Faith hasn’t yet said anything to us. She had been reluctant to speak while we were recording. But it was obvious that she was taking it all in. As soon as Dawn said this, Faith retreated to the very back of her chair and shook her head.
Immediately, Grace wheeled her chair over and put her head next to her sister’s. And she started to whisper.
Grace: [Whispers] Do you… do you want to say what you said here how mom’s brain injury made you feel? You can say it to me you can say it.
Dawn: Speak up.
[MUSIC OUT]
Faith: It made me feel scared and it made me feel like I’m what I wanted was to cry all the time because I was nervous. I was worried I would never get my mom back.
NARRATION
As soon as Faith said this, her dad got up out of his chair and wrapped her up in his arms.
And Grace picked up for her sister.
Grace: Yeah going to school sometimes I worry. Is she going to be OK today is anything going to happen? Because it was scarier like the first month or two that it had happened because she wasn’t the same.
Grace: I’m scared that she might get another brain injury or she’s going to get hurt like the other day there was ice and I had made sure that she wasn’t slipping. And she’s also very worried about slipping or hitting her head. And I’m also scared she might get lost or something might happen.
[MUSIC]
Nora: Faith… are you still scared that you might not get your old mom back?
NARRATION
Faith didn’t want to answer this, either. So… once again, her sister gave her a hug and looked me right in the eye.
Grace: In a way I’d say we’re both kind of scared that we might not get her back. But she is just as good now as she was before. And we love her just the way she is. And we just know she needs a little more help.
[LONG FADE TO MUSIC OUT]
Nora: How does that feel?
Dawn: Oh it’s it’s hard it’s… it’s hard. You know as a mom you always want to do a good job. I mean I have these kids I’m going to be the best mom ever. And then you make mistakes or you’re not such a great mom even though you can’t help it. And it’s just really really really hard… and you know I feel bad. But you know I try and we do things together we all read books together. We… what we do? We watch documentaries…
Faith: We pray together at night.
Dawn: Yeah we pray together at night.
Faith: And all share what was your favorite parts of the day.
Grace: Yeah at dinner time. Me or Faith or mom usually says “OK what was everyone’s favorite part of the day?” And last night, sometimes you do this where… a little before bed, Faith and I will go play video games and me and mom will watch a documentary which we had done last night or we’ll all watch a family movie or we’ll play a family board game or we’ll go do something special or go on a special trip like this summer we went to a garden which was a all day trip…arboretum.
Dawn: Yeah. That was nice.
NARRATION — MARRIAGE As we kept talking… Grace wheels her chair the other direction across the studio… over to her mother… and gives her a hug. And then takes her hand and holds it. It was her mother’s turn to be comforted. Dawn: I’ve had people say to me that I’m faking my symptoms… it’s so frustrating because they’ll say “well… you don’t seem like there’s anything wrong with you” or “you want attention” or… no I actually I want to be left alone I just want to be a normal person and get through my day.
John: because you can’t see it she looks like a normal person she looks together like anyone else… but inside she is really struggling and they don’t realize I think that… how hard it is for her to control her emotions or to… one little thing that they say could just set her off very quickly. And then when she reacts like that they take it as this is a crazy woman she shouldn’t be in society. She really should be locked up and shouldn’t be out in public.
Nora: You’ve had reactions like that?
John: Oh yes. Parents of Grace’s teammates. People at games, when we’ve gone out to dinner before, people have said things to me like that like “you need to control your wife” or “she shouldn’t be here” or “what are you doing bringing someone like this to a family event.” [MUSIC]
We are only together for a few hours in the studio, but I feel like I am seeing them in their natural habitat. Which feels a little lonely, like their family is its own little island. Which it kind of is. Because it’s not just strangers who have a hard time understanding this new version of Dawn.
Nora: How what are your friendships like now?
John: We don’t have very many anymore because it’s hard to go out and be social. I mean it’s hard for just Dawn and I go out as a couple together and do things in public because of how some of the reactions might be… let alone going out with a group of people. The last time that we went out with a group of people we went to go do the trivia thing at a bar where you have a piece of paper and you answer questions on a time limit. And Dawn got into it with one of the other people that was there on our team because she felt that she was taking over the conversation. Nora: And you were just shrugging as he told the trivia story, like… maybe?
Dawn: I don’t remember, yeah.
Nora: Like what are good or safe situations socially?
John: Like if Dawn and I go out for a date night I try to do it at a time where I know there’s going to be less people like 9:00 at night at a restaurant that closes at 9:30 or 10:00. Or maybe we’ll go to a place where there’s I know there’s going to be less people and we can have a corner to ourselves or… where I know there’s not going to be a lot of noise or a lot of loud music playing… We used to go to Vikings games every single weekend… where she loved going to the games and she loved the noise and the crowd and the tailgating and things like that… we went to a pre-season game last year and it was too much for her to handle because it was just so much stimulation and so much noise and so much movement. I mean… I’m a hand talker and I can’t talk with my hands anymore around her because it’s too much motion and just… things moving too fast. She can’t ride the bus very often and yet that’s her only way to work a lot of the time… just controlling situations like that as much as I possibly can and….
Nora: So you are so understanding about these things and you’re so pragmatic. But, when you’re in like when you’re at trivia night and you see this happening, how does that feel to you?
John: It’s very frustrating to me and I’m speaking truthfully. I know she’s trying the best and I know that she enjoys doing these things and I want to try to give her the normalcy of a normal life but it’s just not possible so for me it’s also frustrating. So it’s been this has been so hard on our marriage and our family because it’s not the person that she used to be. I went from having four kids to now five kids that I really have to watch Dawn a lot and I see her struggle every single day and… it brings her down quite a bit and it really makes her wonder if it’s worth it to continue. Because it’s she’s just not the same person as she was before. NARRATION — MARRIAGE
By saying “wondering if it’s worth it to continue,” John means two things: his wife thinks about things like this…
Dawn: You know you have this life that you’re building for yourself and putting yourself in a position where you want to be in the world and then… through no fault of your own… the snap of a finger it’s all gone and that’s hard. And I guess that people with brain injury have a higher rate of suicide… which I can understand. You know to look in the mirror and not know who you are or just to… feel so lost every day it’s really hard. So am I going to actively go and kill myself. No, I’m not. I had a brother or younger brother who took his own life and… you know that’s a pain… our whole family has lived with ever since so I wouldn’t want to put that pain on anyone. But yet at the same time I do actively have thoughts about maybe my husband would be better off without me if he didn’t have to put up with all this. Or maybe it’d be better for my kids if they didn’t have this mom who was so… volatile at times…
NARRATION
And Dawn thinks about what John’s life would be like outside of their marriage. More than once during our time in studio, Dawn brought it up. That maybe she and John should just go their separate ways. She’s got all kinds of options worked out for it, too. She’d take the top floor of the house, he’d take the lower level. And the main floor could be neutral territory. He could come and go as he pleased, and she wouldn’t be a burden to him. John could have his work as a counselor for at risk teens, and his own life outside of that. And they would co-parent the kids until they were out of the house.
I can tell the girls have heard this before, by the way they shift in their seats. I’m not sure if we should be talking about this in front of the girls, but I’m a fairly inexperienced parent, and Dawn had pledged openness in the studio, so, here we go.
Nora: Have you ever wanted to take her up on her offer?
John: Yeah.
Nora: When?
John: There’s many many times. I mean I would I honestly would say at least once a month I contemplate it because… it gets to be so hard. Between the social situations, the going to things with the kids. Our marriage, our personal relationship that we have ourselves… not necessarily be able to communicate or trust issues for both of us it’s a lot more exaggerated now and just… it’s so hard some days to know that I’m going home to have to continue to do this when you know I work with challenging students all day long and then I know that I want to go home to work with a challenging wife as well.
Nora: How does that feel to hear?
Dawn: Oh yeah I’m not surprised by it. I mean we’re talking about all the things I forget. And without being too graphic I also forget that as a couple people are intimate. I forget that aspect. So I’m hopping into bed at night and “oh look there’s books under my pillow and under my blankets and whatever”… I love to read and I just forget that there’s this other person there and they might want to have together time and… I forget.
John: She also has to write a note to spend time with her husband intimately.
Nora: Really?
John: Or sometimes I slip those on there as well.
Nora: So you have to be like it’s time to guess it’s time to have sex with John, the post-it note told me.
Dawn: Yeah I forget. Yeah. I’m a married woman who forgets to have sex with her husband, so…
Nora: Grace is trying to like disappear.
Dawn: Trying to be gentle here.
Nora: Who needs a glass of water from three blocks away? I still leave the room like watching movies with my parents. So it’s fine. And I’m older than 12. [MUSIC]
John: But I also don’t want to split our family up because I know that I don’t know how Grace or Faith would take things if we weren’t together. You should never stay together with somebody that you’re not happy with just because of kids. But at the same time… Dawn is not. She is her mother and she will always be their mother. And I would never take that away from our kids. I remember Dawn as the person that I married and the person that we went to Colorado together on a regular basis… we had a bear lay down in the tent next to us when we were dating up in northern Minnesota. You know, it’s all the… it’s all the things from when we are dating and over the years before the injury I think that really helped me to remember that this isn’t her fault even though she blames herself a lot for it she blames herself every day for this. And she’s so hard on herself about things when she doesn’t need to be. And just those things help me bring it back that we’re a couple and I love her very much and we’re meant to be together.
Nora: You had written in your e-mail to us that… if he met you today this would not be the person that he would have chosen to marry.
John: Yeah I would definitely say that’s true that. If it was this much work there’s no way that I would married Dawn Nora: Faith and grace is it hard for you to hear this kind of stuff? About your parents? Are these things you probably know because kids are so observant?
Grace: Yes. But in a way like while… a little while after the brain injury they had like fought more. They don’t fight barely much anymore… or that we know. But it would be very hard like I would have go and be with Faith some nights because she had heard them fighting earlier and she was scared that they were going to get divorced or that. Someone was going to leave or something like that.
Dawn: Our marriage was not in a good place before my injury and honestly… so let’s say life just went on and I never got injured. I can’t… we were in a tough place and I think I probably would’ve said I can’t do this anymore. I need to be done.
Nora: How did the brain injury change that?
John: I would say a big part of it was just that… I couldn’t see just leaving somebody that had been hurt all by themselves to try to figure things out. Even though I know that she’d figure it out one way or another but… I just couldn’t do that to her. Even if every part of me was saying you guys need to separate you need to just be apart from each other.
Dawn: I don’t accept that but OK.
Nora: What do you mean?
Dawn: I think that’s a cop out. I don’t know if that’s like the hero stance or I’m going to fall on my sword or what. I’m a mess. I’ll agree but I get through the day and… I would not want someone to be married to me out of pity. And… I’m fine living my life married. But I am also fine living my life not married. You know I think I could make it on my own and that would be fine.
Nora: Do think he feels bad for you or do you think he’s still in love with you?
Dawn: That’s really hard because the paranoid part of me says he feels bad or he feels stuck. [MUSIC]
NARRATION
I believe Dawn. Honestly, I would probably feel the same way if I were in her shoes. And I believe John. I believe he is with Dawn because he loves her and that he wouldn’t marry her again, knowing what their future would be like. I would probably feel the same way. These feelings are all true, at the same time. And that’s complicated. But what strikes me most about this family, a year and a half after Dawn’s injury, when her progress has plateaued, is how simple their hopes are for the future. Dawn: I just want to be a normal person again or I can get through the day without having to chart out every hour of my life and to just not forget things. People I’ve met or things I’ve done. That for me would be you know happiness. But I understand that that’s not going to be my happiness… so hopefully my happiness will be accepting how I am and being able to move forward. Still can you know be a contributor to society and my family. I want to keep working and just do what I can to make the world a better place. not only for myself but for everybody, you know? Grace: For me happiness would look like my whole family together with all of us getting along together and nothing being wrong.
John: Happiness means that the day goes relatively smooth. My work day goes normal. I can come home and talk with my family and not have any huge issues come up that cause fights for us and just being able to talk to one another and really just go to bed calm and peaceful.
Grace: Something that Faith wanted me to say was that for her happiness looks like something similar to what I said. Our whole family together happy with no fights and nothing wrong.
NARRATION — ENDING
Before they leave, Faith comes to hug me, hard and with all of her little spirit. I am at least a foot taller than her, but she grabs me firmly and tells me she’d like to be interviewed by herself soon. She wants to tell the world about autism. She’s an expert. She’s had it since she was born. She has her own story to tell. She has her own desire to be seen and heard.
“Call me,” she says before leaving the studio.
Dawn has taken photos of the building, the studios, of me hugging her children. She wants to remember, though the whole family agrees that there’s a strong chance she won’t. It will be in her calendar, but not in her brain.
It’s dark outside as we wrap up our interview, and I watch this beautiful little family as they walk down the stairs, on their way into the cold of a Minnesota winter, on their way to get malts and burgers before the drive back home.
I want to remember what Dawn may not: her husband waiting for her on the landing, holding his hand out to her. The four of them together, and happy, Faith and Grace leading the way.