99. Helping My Dad Date

Dina Gachman shares an essay from her book, So Sorry For Your Loss, about the complicated feelings she had watching her elderly father date after her mom died.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

 My name’s Dina Gachman. and it’s going to be okay.

My 70 year old father joined Tinder until recently. If you had asked me about the prospect of my dad remarrying, my response would’ve emerge on the murderous. I never saw him as a guy who dated, let alone a guy who online dated, but then my mom died of colon cancer complications in the fall of 2018, and there he was alone.

Alone. And eventually on Tinder. My parents were high school sweethearts in Texas who married at the age of 19. I’d always seen my dad as a one woman man devoted to my mom. I placed him and their love on a pedestal. So when my youngest sister, Catherine, called me in a panic to tell me that our seven year old father had confessed that he was on Tinder, that pedestal came crashing down real quick.

It’s not fair to expect a parent to live a monastic life when they lose a partner, but I knew my dad was in over his head. I’d heard stories about older people getting catfish or scammed, and my dad hadn’t been on a date since about 1969 with my mom. He was now a sweet grandfather who didn’t even know what catfishing was, and he’d picked Tinder because he thought that’s what everyone used.

He was a prime target.

I was not prepared for any of this. I suspected it might happen one day since my dad is young at heart and social. Still, when Kathryn broke the news about his confession, I blurted if Dad meets someone on Tinder, I hope Mom marries Paul Newman in heaven. She always loved Paul Newman. My sisters and I had our spouses and kids to keep us busy and help us handle our grief.

But our dad was alone watching Old John Wayne movies with his 16 year old cat and going to a shocking amount of his grandkids T-Ball games to pass the time. I didn’t wanna hear about my dad microwaving takeout alone every night and declining because he had no one to go to a movie with. I had already lost a mom.

I needed my dad to stick around for as long as possible, and if going on dates and maybe even finding love could up those chances I needed to support him. Dating might not magically add years to his life, but it w dating might not add, blah. Dating might not magically add years to his life, but it was at least worth a try.

I slowly started accepting the idea of him dating first by forcing him to get off Tinder since he was 70 years old. I guess my unwavering support does have limits. I’m gonna do that again. Let’s see. Um, I slowly started accepting the idea of him dating first by forcing him to get off Tinder since he was 70 years old.

So I guess my unwavering support does have limits. He told me that scrolling through dating apps was a way to fill the time he missed our mom. And navigating this brave new world of virtual dating was at least entertaining. Despite my fears about him getting catfished by a bikini clad bot, I wanted him to be happy.

So one Friday night when he came to visit us for the weekend, I asked him to show me his profile. After one quick glance, I explained that he needed more than one photo so people would know he had family and friends, and that he wasn’t a alone serial killer. He said he’d been scared to put up photos showing his daughters or grandkids because what if someone kidnaps one of you?

I assured him that the chances of his grandchildren being held for ransom because of acute photo on a dating app were low, although I had no statistics to back up that claim. Then he told me the saddest thing of all. He assumed that my sisters and I would get angry if he’d asked us to take, lemme do that again.

He assumed that my sisters and I would get angry if he’d asked us to take a profile picture for him. So he asked the guy who owned his local, oh, do it again. He assumed that my sisters and I would get angry if he’d asked us to take a profile picture for him. So he asked the guy who owned his nearby dry cleaners to do it.

I didn’t tell him it was for my dating profile. He said, I imagined my dad standing at the dry cleaners having his photo taken and feeling ashamed of the reason why it made my heartache of all the ridiculous places to take a photo for a dating app. You cannot get much worse than your local dry cleaners.

Over the next few months, my dad started meeting a few people for drinks or dinner. Now when he comes to visit, we scroll through apps together and he tells me about his dates. I explain what ghosting is, and in that I explain what ghosting is and that it’s something he should definitely not do. He compares most of the women to my mom, who was beautiful and hilarious and a tough act to follow.

Each time we engage in this new ritual together, a ritual neither of us asked for, we laugh, we get sad, and we scroll some more. My mom is on our minds throughout it all. Chances are he won’t find someone exactly like her. Maybe he’ll find someone kind though. Someone who can tolerate his marathon binges of John Wayne movies, or his eternal lateness.

She won’t be our mom and she won’t be perfect. But I hope that maybe, possibly she’ll be someone I’d like to meet. 

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