97. Set Your Belly Free

  INTRO MUSIC

I’m Nora McInerny and it’s going to be okay. 

VOICEMAIL BEEP

Okay Listener:  Hey Nora, it’s me, your girl, Carly. Um, I just wanted to let you know that today’s it’s going to be okay, was brought to you by a debt collector. So I just got a phone call this morning that I knew it was a debt collector from a school that I wasn’t happy about because I wish I was in school. So I.

Me and this woman start talking. I prepare to pay the bill and you know I’m being a little sassy because I’m hurt that this all is occurring, even though I’m also just going to pay the bill because it’s my due. So I am, you know, hitting them with the zingers, making it fun, making it cute, making it funny to be on the phone with this beautiful woman who was a wonderful debt collector.

And she did such a good job. And honestly, she and I hit it off and we are basically friends. She told me her name. I spelled it correctly. It was. A dream. She gave me her extension by the end of it, and we’re laughing talking about divorce and how we’re gonna be okay. And I know her life’s hard because her job is hard and how I used to manage a hard coffee shop life.

Deescalation was like my top skill and we were just like, wow. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. We got this. Love you girl. Here’s my money. It’s gonna be okay. Not everything but something. We’ll definitely be okay. So thanks Nora. Love you. Bye.

I love this. I love this one. No surprise. I love this one because you know what? Life is hard. It’s hard for everyone. Everyone’s job is hard. And I do believe that 99.9% of the time, the people who have to call us about something, we don’t wanna get a call about, also don’t wanna be calling us about it.

And if you are the debt collector who called me about my dead husband’s sperm storage going into collections, wherever you are, I am so sorry for all of the crying and whatever I said to you in the moment, I didn’t mean it. That wasn’t your fault. It was nobody’s, honestly, it was probably my fault. I don’t.

Open my mail. That’s on me. If you are a debt collector, I hope you make a friend like Carly today, and if you get a call about your debt today, honestly, I hope you don’t get that call today, but if you do, I hope you get this lady and you make a new friend. I just love this. 

OUTRO MUSIC 

CREDITS

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

 INTRO MUSIC 

I’m Nora McInerny and it’s going to be okay. 

VOICEMAIL BEEP

Okay Caller: Hi Nora, this is Melissa. I’m coming to you from my closet where I’m hiding from my foster dog’s. Howls. Uh, he becomes absolutely unhinged if I’m not feeding him or petting him, or at least making meaningful eye contact. So anyway, um, I’m not sure if this is the kind of thing you’re looking for. Four, it’s going to be okay.

But I wrote it down recently and, uh, thought I’d share. I’m gonna try to just record it once and not a hundred times until it’s perfect. Uh, so anyway, let’s see how this goes. I have been sucking in my stomach since 2001 when it started. I didn’t even have a stomach to suck in. My nickname in middle school was toothpick lady.

And by the time I got to college, I hadn’t filled out much. But 2001 was the era of obscenely low rise jeans and cropped going out tops, and by going out tops, I mean pieces of fabric that were essentially handkerchiefs or pot holders strategically tied over our boobs around stomach was not part of the look.

You had to have a completely flat plane. I mean, concave if possible, with a cute little belly button in the middle. Preferably pierced. I actually tried to get my belly button pierced around this time, and the piercer told me she couldn’t do it because there wasn’t enough flesh there. I realize that sounds kind of like a brag, but I’m saying it to emphasize just how ridiculous it was that I still found it necessary to suck in my stomach and that I apparently never stopped.

A few weeks ago, I was standing at my bathroom sink in pajamas, brushing my teeth. Alone. And I realized I was sucking my stomach in. Why? I mean, as a 40 year old woman who is allergic to exercise and eats primarily bread, pasta and cheese, I actually do have a little something to suck in. Now, I could definitely get my belly button pierced.

Maybe I should, uh, but anyway, why was I doing this? After that, I started to notice myself sucking in more. Sometimes I was in public and wearing high-rise jeans or a fitted dress, but most of the time I was at home by myself. How did I get like this? I mean, okay, we know the answer to this and many other questions is the patriarchy.

But still, I was mad at myself for this. So now when I catch myself sucking in, I stick my stomach out more. And you know what? Nothing bad has happened. No one is staring at me in the grocery store because of my grotesque form. I haven’t had to buy a whole new wardrobe. My husband has not divorced me. In fact, he came into the kitchen the other day and said, look at that cute belly.

I was absolutely horrified for a second, but then I laughed and I stuck it out even more. And then we bumped bellies like a couple of weirdos. So I’m here to tell you, take a deep breath. I mean, maybe even try to do that belly breathing thing they teach you in yoga. Set your stomach free. It’s going to be okay.

if you were a victim of low rise genes from the years, I don’t know, approximately 1998 to 2007 ish, you may be entitled to compensation because we are going to form a class action lawsuit against. Every denim manufacturer, every women’s magazine, every tabloid who had us believing that Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson were monstrously obese because they were like a size four, and also had us believing that the worst thing in the world you could be was fat.

And that being fat meant you to be humiliated and degraded. Man, oh man. Did that entire era do a number on us? On us. We were eating 100 calorie packs. We were eating, I can’t believe it’s not butter. We were sucking in our non-existent stomachs to try to have the smallest. Body Possible. For what? For what?

For why? For why. Thank you, Melissa. Set your stomach free. Let it out. It is going to be okay. I love this. I love you for this. I love you giving this gift to every person who is still trying to unpack and deprogram from decades, generations of diet, culture, and, you know, health and wellness gone awry and developed into something even.

More insidious. So I am ranting and raving, but this one really got to me. This one really means a lot to me and to, and I, and I know it’s gonna mean a lot to a lot of you out there too. This is one of those things where I am glad it is here, and I am sorry if you relate to it because I know what that feels like.

It is going to be okay. We are allowed to have a body. What a time to be alive.

OUTRO MUSIC

CREDITS