79. For Russell

When the worst happens, it’s impossible to imagine a future where your life is okay. But when Peg looks around at her life 22 years after her husband died, she sees something amazing.  

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Nora McInerny: I’m Nora McInerny, and it’s going to be okay. 

Today’s message is from Peg for Russell. 

My husband died suddenly in April of 2001. He was 54. I was 48. We’d been married for just under 25 years at that point. I distinctly remember a friend hugging me at his memorial service and saying, it’s going to be okay, and me replying, it’ll never be okay again.

I wore my wedding band for more than 15 years I felt and said, I’m still married. My husband just happens to be dead. Obviously. To me at least dating, while that was my thinking was out of the question. Anyone new entering my life would’ve been compared to my dead husband and would’ve been found lacking.

That would’ve been entirely unfair, and honestly, I just plain had no interest. I loved my husband dearly, but marriage or even serious relationships take a great deal of well work. No thanks. It’s now 2023. I’m 70. I’ve been a widow for 22 years. Before I know it, I’ll have been a widow for as long as we were married.

Then longer, I’ve still never dated anyone and don’t plan to. When my kids were growing up, I thought and said, do you see a pattern here that everyone should have a wife, a June cleaver type wife who actually enjoyed cleaning and laundry and taking kids to doctor’s appointments and the myriad essential details of life.

And the myriad essential details of life. Now, I think and sometimes say it would be swell to have a part-time husband, someone who would be around to fix it when the drain wasn’t draining or would open that tough new jar of pickles. Maybe they’d hang out and watch a movie with me or share the driving for a road trip, but then they’d be gone.

Leaving me to be quiet when I wanted and to crank up the volume when the music was just right. Only my own messes to deal with, my own preferences to consider. Was it okay that my husband died? No, it was not. Would I have changed that if I could in a heartbeat? Do I still think about him? Yes, and miss him sometimes.

I can’t know what my life would be like if he was alive, but I do know it would be different than it is now.

Seven years ago, I moved from the house that we literally built with our own two hands on 25 acres on a dirt road. Now I live in a small house on a small city lot, not far from my children and grandchildren. I know for a fact that I would not be living in this house if my husband were still alive. His height alone, six six would’ve made this little house uncomfortable for him, but it fits five to me.

Well, I have felt a life that suits me. I weave, I garden, I line dance, I read. I enjoy the small circles. I move in. I find it odd that other than my kids, no one who knows me in my city life knew my husband. Everyone knew him back in the sticks, and yet it is all okay, and yet it is all okay. Life is good. I am grateful.

Life is good. I am grateful. Peg. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. The it, and it’s going to be okay. It changes every day and it is different for all of us. If you want to share yours, you can email us like Peg did, and we can read it for you if you’re shy or you can record yourself on a voice memo, attach it to the email and send it to us.

The email is I G T B O Feelings and Co. It is also in our show description. Our phone number is (612) 568-4441.

It’s going to be okay. As a production of feelings and co. Our team is myself, Nora McInerney, Marcel Malekebu, Jordan Turgen, Claire McInerny, and Megan Palmer. Our theme music is by Secret Audio. You can find all of our work, our podcasts, our [email protected].