77. Knock It Out

Mary Gaad from Ohio tells us that right now is a tough season for her family: both her four-year-old son and husband have cancer. But despite the heaviness, both of them are reminding her that things will probably be okay.  

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Mary Gaad:  Hi Nora and Co. This is Mary Gaad from Columbus, Ohio. Just calling you back. So it’s going to be okay, has been my go-to phrase since my husband Mike was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma about eight months ago.

But I added in my own twist to the end, which is I command it because as someone who suffers from anxiety, I. Honestly think that I can control the universe with my mind. So if I use a stern voice and I say it often enough, I can repel anything else bad from happening to my husband. It’s been hard to keep up a positive attitude about this because nine months before Mike’s diagnosis, we found out that our four year old son Louie had a cancer called Neuroblastoma.

And just to make it even crazier, their cancers aren’t related. They aren’t hereditary or passed by gene mutations. We just. won, the reverse bad luck lottery for both of them to get cancer and both lose a kidney to totally unrelated cancers in the same year. And before you ask No, it’s not an environmental thing.

It’s not. Aaron Brockovich. When Louie was sick, Mike and I. We’re able to take turns being the strong one. So if one of us was having a breakdown and freaking out, the other was having to keep it together and handle Louie deal with the doctors and our family. So we truly were a team. We were a partnership.

But when Mike got sick, I felt like I was all on my own. I had to keep telling Mike he’d be okay, that I was okay. The kids were okay. But what I really felt was just a big fraud. I. It was truly fake it till you make it because I am not used to being the strong one. I’m definitely not the positive one ever.

I’m usually the hot mess and Mike’s taking care of me. So I was really scared and out of my element being in this situation where I was having to be the strong, positive one while Mike was trying to process what was happening to him. On top of what was happening to Louie, but then on top of everything else, I had to tell our son that his dad had cancer.

And I wanted to be honest with Louie, but I had to do it in an age appropriate way because I didn’t wanna scare him. And I also told him without Mike being present, because I knew that it would break Mike’s heart to have to tell him this. And I at least wanted to spare Mike from this one thing. So Louie’s reaction to the news was actually heartbreaking, but not for the reason that I thought it would be.

I Told him what was going on, and he looked at me totally confused and said, grownups get bad bumps too. I was floored. I was not prepared for the realization that although I knew full well that Louie had spent almost a year in and out of a children’s hospital being in an oncology ward with other children being treated.

Of course his perspective was that only kids get cancer. It just had never occurred to me that was his worldview. But when Louie saw Mike after he found out about Mike’s diagnosis, Louie wasn’t scared, he wasn’t upset. He just told his dad very matter of factly, Hey dad. Don’t worry, the doctors are gonna take out your back bump and then it will be okay.

You just have to knock it out. So here’s this child who has been through hell for rounds of chemo, a nine hour surgery, losing a kidney, missing eight months of school, and he’s not even five years old yet. And. He has every right to be scared, mad, sad, but. He takes my, it’s going to be okay. And Mike’s, you just have to knock it out, which is something Mike has always said to Louie when he was scared or struggling during his treatment, whether it was, an injection drinking contrast die for CT scans, Mike would always say to encourage him, Louie, you can do it.

You just have to knock it out. So here’s our. Little sweet four year old saying these things back to us, and I realized that despite being in crisis and constantly falling apart and being a mess, maybe we did something right along the way because Louie was okay. So that was alright. Louie was okay. And if Louie can have that attitude after everything he’s been through, then I’d better get my act together.

So I’m trying to believe that it’s going to be okay and I still feel like a fraud. My, the therapist, Jennifer, can confirm that I am actually scared to tell and I don’t believe anything is gonna be okay. But, We’re about to buy a new house. It’s where Louie’s gonna grow up, and it’s where Mike and I are gonna grow old, and it’s where our older kids are gonna bring their spouses or their kids or their partners for holidays because we just have to keep living this life.

It’s not the one we expected. It’s not what we would’ve chosen, but for all of our bad luck, We’ve had a lot of lucky breaks too. So we’re gonna enjoy this time with both Mike and Louie being in remission, being relatively healthy, and we will keep doing that until we’re forced to change course. I, in the meantime, will definitely still be trying to repel cancer with the power of my mind.

But it’s going to be okay. I command it. 

Nora: I’m Nora McInerny and it’s going to be okay. The it changes every day for all of us and we want to hear yours. You can email us a voice memo like Mary did, IGT b o feelings and.co. You can also call us at (612) 568-4441. It’s going to be okay.

It’s a production of Feelings and Co. You can find all of our podcasts, including our store, which is not a podcast, but you can also find our store at our website, feelings and Co. We are an independent production company, if you like this show. Share it with someone. Share it with someone that you think would like it or hate it.

What do I care? Uh, no, I’m just kidding. Share it with someone who likes it. Share it with someone who likes it. Our team is myself, Nora McInerny, Marce Malekebu, Jordan Turgeon, Claire McInerny, and Megan Palmer. And our theme music is by Secret Audio.