71. Despite Yourself

A listener tells us about a time when using the words “it’s going to be okay” got through to someone. 

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Anita:  Hi, my name’s Anita and this is my, it’s going to be okay story. It’s going to be okay. I don’t like those words. Those words can be delivered by someone annoyed at your angst and trying to dismiss you. It can be said by someone that knows a thing or two about their life, but knows nothing about you so what do they really know or I. They can be said by someone that looks deep into your eyes and just knows it’s going to be okay. But I can’t tell which one is which. Except for one time. 

One time my mother came into my room after I had shut off the lights and gone to bed. She fiddled with a light switch. And then she smashed it with her fist and a piece of plastic fell to the floor, but the lights remained off. Mom, don’t worry. Everything is going to be okay. I didn’t believe that at all, as it came outta my mouth. My mother had been diagnosed with glioblastoma and given two to three months, possibly longer now several months into the possibly longer phase. She was not excited about life. She was not excited about staying on, but neither did she wanna go. She wanted to be heard, so whenever her body allowed it, she would march around to various family members and make declarations, a demand, a memory, a grievance. She would demand a response, but of course it was never the response that she wanted, and so she would yell back.

And if she didn’t yell back in response to your stupidity, she’d glare back in a way that was almost comical in its cruelty. She’d lower her head and look at you from beneath her eyebrows and say, you know, I’m dying. Right? Meaning I don’t have time for your bullshit, and you have no right to deny me this. By now, after two brain surgeries, her eyes were a little crossed and her beautiful face contorted into a smile. I didn’t know what to make of his smile. 

So nothing was okay. Nothing was going to be okay, but I didn’t know what else to say, so I said, mom, don’t worry. Everything is going to be okay. 

She stood in the doorway and the hallway light silhouetted her thin frame, and she stood there for a minute. In my bed I braced myself. I thought she might throw something at me. After all I had said something so dumb, but after the longest minute she said, thank you. I really needed that. And left. My heartbeat slowed and lowered back into my chest. Oh my God. I thought, oh my God. And that night she slept and no more declarations were made.

And for two days after that, she would pass me and nod an acknowledgement and I would nod one back. And those two days were the most peaceful days of the rest of her life. So everything is going to be okay, even if it isn’t. They’re always forces at work other than you. And sometimes you utter a truth despite yourself.