50. Florida Hail

 Let’s just say you’ll never think about hail the same way again. 

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

INTRO MUSIC

I’m Nora McInerny, and it’s going to be okay.

And today’s episode is going to make you die laughing. It comes from an email from a listener named Cynthia.

Cynthia’s Email: This morning I saw my mother, who has spent five horrible years of  increasingly losing her sharpness to dementia, truly clearly dying. I  learned that the “death rattle” can be cleared by a determined nurse’s aid who sits her up at 90 degrees and then scoops out voluminous, disgusting phlegm from her mouth. I turned away and try not to think of it now. As I left the facility and got in my car, I was greeted by a flat tire light. Once at the tire store, the big blank spaces of my vision warned me a migraine was coming on. I’m gifted with finding beautiful people in dull places, and the tire guy dazzled me by reaching behind the counter and offering me my choice of pain relievers. When I seemed oblivious that “my back tire is flat” was not clear enough instruction, I waved my hands and announced, “My mother is dying.” (I think I can only legit use that once, and I needed to then.) In the waiting area, the tv weather announcers were excitedly telling me about Florida’s upcoming hail storm. As if Florida could not get any weirder, the announcer used this analogy: “the hail will be the size of nipples.” At that point, I knew my day was going to be okay. My own personal humor mill in my head has been non-stop giggling about this. And yes, he said it again after their commercial break, so I know he said it. Will the whole breast come down some day? What about penis-shaped hail? Does that ever happen? And is he only thinking of an erect nipple? I guess that goes without saying. Unless they have squishy non-descript hail. I’m sometimes out of the loop of commonplace things, so you’ll have to tell me if “hail the size of nipples” is a regular analogy or not. I should check what happened in Florida today… Now there’s a whole state that may not be okay. But with a tire guy helping me with my headache, and weathermen letting crazy analogies creep in, I feel that maybe, things will be okay. I think you are marvelous.

Fondly,

Cynthia

I will never think of hail the same way again. 

And if you’re going to describe hail to me, I need to know, is it bigger or smaller than a nipple? Whose nipple are we talking about? I need to know if there is a normal analogy for the size of hail, please let us know. 

OUTRO MUSIC

CREDITS