48. Ryan’s Song

A listener shares a song her husband wrote and sang with their youngest before he died.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Leslie Harter-Berg: Hey, Nora. Leslie Harter-Berg here. Two last names, because I am also a fellow remarried widow and probably one of your biggest fans. You’re my widow hero. And I’m calling to tell you my it’s going to be okay story. 

My husband, Ryan, he was 34 years old and I was 30 when we went on vacation to Disneyland. And we brought all the kids here with the cousins and my sister’s family. And then we went to Palm Springs. And after our three days at Disney, we were sitting at the pool and Ryan suddenly said, Something’s wrong, Leslie, something’s wrong. And those were the words that blew up my entire life. 

He had a sudden brain aneurysm and stroke by the pool that day, and everything moved really fast. My sister was like, We need to call the ambulance. Luckily, we were very close to the hospital. They were there within 5 minutes and Ryan was still talking. He was rubbing his face and things were not going well. But he said, You know, where’s my glasses? And I grabbed his glasses and he said that I couldn’t ride in the ambulance because there was too much going on. And his, it seemed serious. 

So I told them, Hey, I’m going to nurse the baby because we had two boys at the time. We had a 15 month old and a three and a half year old, and I said, Well, there’s the baby, and then I’m going to change out of my son’s too, and I’m going to be right behind. Yeah, it’s going to be fine. And he said, it’s going to be okay in a mumbled way. And he rolled him off and those were his last words. 

And then later, after all the drama at the hospital, because they don’t make it easy to decide to pull the plug, you know, they put it in your court and they don’t like you to say pull the plug either. I learned that. But they they put it in your care and they don’t really tell you, you know, when they’re going to die. And they, I guess it’s your decision. 

And he was declared brain dead. And so we were just waiting around for family to come in and to say goodbye to him. And we were very confused. And the family is being pulled in different directions. I have three sisters, there’s a lot of brothers in law. There’s a lot of people that are weighing in on this decision. And I like to call this person that came in our waiting room. An angel. He floated in. I don’t know what he was. I think he was like a nurse practitioner. 

But he said, All right, everybody, here’s what you’re going to do, because we were all so confused. And he said that you’re going to stop asking her what to do because she can’t make decisions right now. You can give her A or B choices, but I don’t think this is going to last very long. When you take him off, I recommend everybody going in and saying goodbye. 

And I usually recommend that you, if you don’t know what to say, I say I love you. Say I forgive you. Say thank you and then say it’s going to be okay. And he said, You know, I’ve found in a lot of these cases that. When the patient hears it’s going to be okay. It does not take them very long and they feel like, okay, my people are going to be okay. I can go. 

And I was so thankful for that waiting room. Angel because he gave me language to say to my husband when I had absolutely no language and my brain was broken. So everybody went in one at a time. When it was my turn to go in there, I had, I had a whole marriage with this person, the best friendship. And we owned a business together, and five and a half years together and kids together. And I was like, I have no words. So I just told him that guy’s words. 

And when it was time to take him off of life support and we were all in there singing and it only took him two songs. My brother in law was playing songs on the guitar and only took him two songs to die, and I was laying on his chest. And when I noticed that his heart was making a weird sound, I just leaned up and I said, We’re going to be okay. And I kissed his cheek, and then he took his last breath. So he really does need to hear it’s going to be okay. 

And we went home. Well, we didn’t go home. We were in Bob Springs, who had our Airbnb be. And then I we went up to my sister’s house in L.A. because we live in the Portland area. So we’re all just stuck in this weird vacation limbo, preparing to fly back without a husband or a dad or an uncle and with one last person. And I remember my sister saying, Why don’t you go in this room for the day and I’ll watch the kids? She’s like, Get on my big screen TV. Watch Friends, whatever you need to do. 

And I remember going in that room for a whole day, the day after he died and just going through my phone. And going through Ryan’s phone. And I found on Ryan’s phone this video that he had recorded with Whit, our oldest son, and it had been recorded like six months prior to that, and I had never seen it. And it was this goofy song because Ryan, he was a zany guy and he sang really loud and he could play like three chords on the guitar. 

So it was a guitar song, even though he wasn’t really a musician and he was making the song for our son, who was obsessed with woodpeckers and the cutest thing ever. He called them Wooka Peckers. So Ryan and I were obsessed with that. And so he wrote this song with Whit and I’m going to send it to you so you can hear it. And this song just says over and over again, it’s going to be okay. And I just blasted that in my ear. 

And I remember the next night when I was freaking out, I wasn’t crying because you’re just in a weird place where you’re in that much grief. But I was screaming a lot. And I remember I had to go outside for one of my scream sessions and I just took my phone to my ear and I blasted that song over and over and over again in my ear. It’s going to be okay. 

And in the song, he says, I’m going to fix your wings and you’ll fly another day. And that was just sort of my mantra every day was that it’s going to be okay. And that I’m going to fly another day. And, you know, every day I do wake up and make the decision to keep going and find one thing to keep me going and be there for the boys. And, and I have been okay. And yeah, it’s been dark and hard, but I am flying another day and. I hope that you enjoy the song. Thanks.

Ryan: [baby laughing] Okay, here we go, are you ready? 

Whit: [unintelligible infant talk]

Ryan: Once there was the family of hackers, and they got in a terrible car accident. They all broke their wings. They didn’t know how they get out of it. But then their humans came. [ad libbing] The paramedic said it’s gonna be okay! It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna fix your wings and you’re gonna fly another day. Oh Whit. Where did you go? I thought hat this was a duo, not a solo. I need you to come back. I need you to come back. Come sit on this chair and act like you care about this song that we wrote to. Come on let’s sing about the woodpeckers and how they stayed together. Like the birds of a feather. It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay!!! It’s gonna be okay!! It’s gonna be okay!! It’s gonna be okay!!

Whit: Good stuff!

Ryan: Good stuff?

Whit: Good stuff.

Ryan: Good stuff.

OUTRO MUSIC 

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