419. Apple Cake

Isabel shares her journey through a tough depression the last few years, and how it ended up at a hopeful place (that includes cake!)

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Isabel: Hi, my name is Isabel and I think it’s going to be okay.

Recently, in the past month or so, I have noticed a shift in my thinking and overall energy in my life. It’s kind of cliche to say that your 20s and especially your early 20s are a time of big change in a person’s life. If I was a caterpillar, I think I would have gone into my cocoon and emerged as a butterfly at least six or seven times by now, with the amount of change I have been through.

School, work, relationships, my body, my mental health have all taken major hits, and every time I have got back up and into the ring for another round. Cough. And for a while there, it really felt like I was in a boxing match, and I was losing, by a large margin. Things had been terrible for so long, I would dream about finding a way out.

I didn’t expect this line of thinking to bring up those darker, ending my own life type of realizations, but here we are. I was miserable, and I wanted things to not end. I wanted to not feel the pain and loneliness I was experiencing anymore. I don’t blame that past version of me. I’m so grateful to her that she stuck it out for those really rough years.

She suffered, but she did her job. She held us afloat when the waves of depression threatened to pull me down to the darkest depths. And so, After years of treading water, it does feel a bit strange to wake up every day and feel good. Not even good, but great. I dance with my brother in the morning while we wait for the school bus, and I feel free.

I feel light and happy and excited. All this to say, this points to my entering a new phase of my life, and I’m hopeful about that. Will there still be moments of suffering? Yes, of course. But every day I am learning more and more that pain is a part of all lives. At the end of the day, death will greet me.But until then, I’m so glad I’m not hoping to run into him anymore. My life will never be perfect, but it can be full of wonder and grace and light and happiness. I am making an apple oatmeal cake today using the apples that a nice man who walks the trails behind our house asked if he could pick for us. What a beautiful gift he gave me. Sometimes, life is eating apples from the tree in your backyard.