416. Dolphins

When Catherine got divorced after 30 years, she challenged herself to do three things that terrified her: fly on an airplane, swim in the open ocean, and wear a bathing suit in public.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

CATHERINE: I  had been married for 30 years.  And one night, as we were getting ready for bed, my husband said,  I don’t want to be married anymore.  And in a seven word sentence, my known world vanished.  I was as crazy as anybody could be.  And as the days went by, I became more and end as the days went by. I became more and more fearful about what lie ahead.

And in  the space of a seven word sentence, my known world vanished.  I did not know what to do.  I did know what I did best, and that was to be afraid. Afraid of what lay ahead. Afraid of how the children would handle it.

Although they were older and it would be a little bit easier. Mostly I was afraid because I had been with him for 30 years.  I did not remember who I was.  I decided  that what I would do is I would do something that was so far out of my known, comfortable world that if I did it, and it didn’t kill me,  I would know I would be all right. 

So I decided to go swim with wild dolphins off the coast of Florida  near Bimini.  That made me face three of my greatest fears.  Swimming, because I had never learned how.  Fear of flying, because I was always a nervous wreck. And like many women, fear of being seen in a bathing suit. But I signed up and it was time to go. 

I went to the Y to learn how to swim. I was in the group of older people and matched with a woman named Ethel.  She said she’d been swimming in that class for seven years. I said, Ethel. She said, Don’t worry, honey. It took me 12 years to learn how to play the guitar. I got nothing but time.  I tried to deal with my fear of flying, but just called the doctor and got a prescription and ordered three different bathing suits from three different stores and figured the odds were in my favor. 

I flew to Bimini and I landed and joined a group of 12 other people.  The goal was that we would spend the week going out on a catamaran,  searching for wild dolphins. Not in a pen, waiting for company dolphins, but dolphins who just wanted to know who we were.  The first day was boring, and there was nothing to look at but cool blue water, which actually settled my soul. 

On the second day, as we were headed back towards shore, suddenly there were two dolphins on the starboard side. They jumped, they dived, and the captain said, That’s your sign. They want you to get in the water.  Everyone put on their flippers and their  mouthpieces, and they did everything they were supposed to do.

I was ready. I was going to go to the back of the boat, and I was going to sit down on the platform and sort of scoot my bottom off so I could slide into the water.  But the captain said, nope,  everybody over the side.  And one by one, I watched in terror as people just flung themselves off the side of the boat. 

I looked down the depth from the deck to the water, I think was somewhere between Eight and 120 feet. I was paralyzed with fear.  I could not do it.  The captain went up to me and she said, do you have fear?  And I said, why, yes, yes, I do. Thank you for asking.  She said, the acronym for fear is  false events appearing real. 

Step off the boat.  I clung to the railing and I thought, wait a minute,  I don’t have to go. I paid my money. If I want to sit on this boat, well then I am going to sit on this boat.  And then I realized.  It had been such a long, hard struggle to get this far. If I did not do it right now, right at this very moment, I might drown in fear.