379. The Other Side of the Street

A pediatric ICU nurse shares what makes her feel okay after a long day caring for sick kids. 

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

I’m Nora McInerny, and It’s Going To Be Okay.

Every day we share one okay thing. Sometimes I share an okay, and sometimes you share one. Today’s okay thing comes from Ani-Jane:

On my walk home from my job as a Pediatric Intensive Care nurse, I spend the commute contemplating my shift; What went well? What didn’t go so well? What will happen to my patient? Will they be alive when I return tomorrow? Did I do enough to care for them and their family? Most things I see on a day to day basis at work are honestly horrible. I meet most kids, parents, and other loved ones on their worst day ever. The children I care for are gravely ill, in need of the most intense level of care available to them in order to stay alive. It always seems so strange to look out the window of my patient’s room and see children playing outside at the playground across the street, while the child I spend my day with may never live to see their next birthday – to observe two very different circumstances of children who could very well be classmates or friends.

Usually when I walk to and from work I exclusively walk on the north side of the street. I’m not sure why this is, it just is the way it is. The street is very busy (I live in a big city) and I have to weave through crowds of people in my half hour commute. Every so often, I somehow end up walking on the other side, the south side, of the street. From this angle, I see my usual commute, and usual side of the street, from a completely different view. I can fully see the storefronts and signs I usually have a close up view of. The lineups, bus stops, cracks in the sidewalk, etc. are all different. It makes me pause a bit more and look around at those who are walking too. I see students, families, elderly people, businessmen and more. I wonder if when they see me, do they see a nurse? Do they notice the bags under my eyes after a long night shift caring for a trauma patient? Can they see the pain on my face after I say goodbye to a baby who suffered too much in such a short life? Will I ever hold them as they weep the loss of their child?

From the other side of the street, I can see these short glimpses of my fellow walkers from a different point of view. I see them going to school or work – so much potential to have a great normal day. Honestly, this makes me feel okay – unlike in my “world” at work where there is so much tragedy, most of the people I pass on my walk will go on to have a regular day. Most people’s days are not filled with someone else’s “worst day ever”. There is something comforting about a mundane day, with a normal routine and sharing my walk home from work with so many people. Looking at all the passerby’s from the other side of the street is the “Okay” thing I need to remind me: that despite all the pain and suffering I witness in this world – It’s going to be okay.