319. Reframing Family Arguments

When you have a disagreement with a family member, or your expectations of your family fall short, it’s easy to feel stuck. But Julia Winston, the host of Refamulating, shares how she reframes her thinking in those moments. 

You can listen to Season 1 of Refamulating now, wherever you listen to podcasts.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Julia Winston: I’m Julia Winston and it’s going to be okay.  I’m the host of Refamulating, another feelings and co show that explores different ways to make a family.  The way I define the word refamulating is the way your family is changing and the way it’s changing you. 

Each episode of Refamulating tells the story of someone who’s refamulating.  The hope is that by hearing stories of personal and family transformation, you’ll feel less alone and more at home with your own story.  Beyond hosting the podcast, I’ve also been posting a little video series called reframes on Instagram each week to offer different perspectives about how to approach challenging situations related to family.

Here’s one about disagreeing with a family member. based on a disagreement I had recently with my sister.  We were talking about a topic and she came in kind of hot, you know, with her perspective and I came in kind of hot with my perspective and it felt like we were just like butting heads. And I walked away from that conversation feeling like I’m not being seen.

There’s not really space for me or my perspective here. And my story about the whole thing was that we weren’t getting along and it sucked. And it was really bothering me. And then today I got a text from her apologizing for the intensity that she brought to that moment and just checking in and saying, I love you.

And as soon as I got that text, I softened a little bit and I started reflecting on my own part in this whole exchange. And I also apologized for what I brought to the situation.  And when I reflect on it now, the reframe I have is that it’s not, it wasn’t,  And when I reflect on it now, the reframe I have is it’s not a moment that sucked and we weren’t getting along. 

And when I reflect on it now, the reframe I have is that it wasn’t just a moment that sucked and we weren’t getting along. The way I see this reframe is,  and when I reflect on it now, the reframe is that my sister is a passionate person who’s engaged with the world. I am a passionate person who’s engaged with the world.

We both care so much about this experience of being alive.  And we’re trying to connect with each other and relate to each other and to share our experiences passionately in these conversations. And we end up butting heads. But what’s really happening is that we’re two sweet little human beings navigating a complex world, and we’re trying to be together in this complex world.

And sometimes we just have a hard time doing that. It’s that simple. And I don’t mean to dismiss the really complex family dynamics that come with disagreements. That’s real. But this is also real. That actually we’re just two sweet little human beings trying to find our way in a confusing world. And sometimes we don’t know how to connect with each other.

So I hope that you can also relate to this reframe and maybe even think about what’s a moment you’re having with someone in your family that’s a little frustrating. That might just be you two being sweet little humans who are trying to connect. and having a hard time.  By bringing a little more compassion into these conversations, I think we can reframe the challenging moment into a moment of connection. 

Okay, I’m going to try it again.  I’m Julia Winston and it’s going to be okay. I’m the host of Refamulating, another feelings and co show that explores different ways to make a family.  The way I define the word refamulating is the way your family is changing and the way it’s changing you.  Each episode of Refamulating tells the story of someone who is refamulating. 

The hope is that by hearing stories of personal and family transformation, you’ll feel less alone and more at home with your own story.  Because the truth is, most of us are refamulating in some way.  Beyond hosting the podcast, I’ve also been posting a little video series called Reframes on Instagram and I offer different perspectives about how to think about a challenging situation related to family.

So here’s one about disagreeing with a family member and it’s based on a disagreement that I had with my sister recently.  We were talking about a topic and she came in kind of hot, you know, with her perspective and I came in kind of hot with my perspective. And it felt like we were just disagreeing. 

And I walked away from that conversation feeling like, Ugh, I’m not being seen. There’s no space for me here. My perspective doesn’t matter. And my whole story was, we’re not getting along, and it sucks. And that really just bothered me.  But then, I got a text from her the next day, apologizing for the intensity that she brought to that moment.

She was just checking in and saying, I love you.  And as soon as I got that text, I softened a little bit. And I started reflecting on my own part in the exchange. And I apologize for what I brought to the situation.  So now, when I reflect on it with a little bit of space, The reframe I have in my mind is that my sister and I are both passionate people who are engaged with the world and Sometimes when we have conversations, we’re bringing our passions and it feels like we’re butting heads But actually we’re just having a hard time connecting.

We’re trying to relate to each other We’re trying to share our experiences and feel more together in these moments  What’s really happening is that we’re two sweet little humans navigating a complex world, and we’re trying to be together in this complex world, and that we’re just struggling to meet there.

It’s that simple. And I don’t mean to dismiss really complex family dynamics that sometimes come with disagreements. That’s real. But this is also real, that actually, we’re just little, sweet human beings trying to find our way in a confusing world.  So, maybe the next time you’re having a disagreement with someone in your life, understanding that, well, we’re just two sweet little humans and we’re really coming in hot right now, but Actually, we just want to be together in our confusion and in our passion, and in this complexity.

So I hope that’s as useful for you as it has been for me when I’m trying to take a deep breath, step back, look at a disagreement and realize, hey, it’s gonna be okay.