302. Cell Memory

If you’ve ever lost someone, or are grieving, Nora wants to share some ~science~ that might make you feel more connected to your dead loved one.

The TTFA Premium episode mentioned in this episode is called “A Collection of Dead People’s Things”. You can listen if you’re a member of our Patreon or Apple Premium (you join in your Apple podcast app).

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Nora: I’m Nora McInerny, and it’s going to be OK.

A few weeks ago, we made an episode on our Terrible Thanks for Asking Patreon about the things that dead people leave us. Weird things. Or things that would be weird to other people but make perfect sense to us because they belonged to our dead people and we love our dead people.

And I was in kind of a weird place when I recorded it because my kid was about to go off to grief camp, and because I was watching Summer House (a Bravo show) and I watched the episode where – spoilers for several seasons ago – Carl’s brother dies. I was emotional. But even if I wasn’t in that space, I would have cried reading this entry…

Nora: I didn’t want to ever cut my hair because my daughter touched it and everything else regenerates on our bodies. 

It was something I thought would hold us to each other longer.  Also a week before my daughter unexpectedly died, my mom offhandedly pointed to a flower pot and said something like, don’t let that plant die.  I’ve been frantically caring for it now, trying to control the world, since I couldn’t control losing my daughter. 

I have felt this. I have felt this deeply. That the regeneration of our cells, the very thing that keeps our bodies going, means that we are changing. That there will be parts of me that my dead husband or my dead dad never knew. It’s some other kind loss. It’s why – and people have thought this weird – when I sprinkled Aaron’s ashed and there were still ashes on my fingers, I licked them clean. I wanted to keep him a part of me. As if I could ever forget. As if he will ever NOT be a part of me.

At one point in time, I got a message from my friend Natalia, and I have kept this message and revisited it.

She wrote,

So, because you’ve said the seven year cell regeneration thing to me a few times I’ve done some research and it’s mostly true except that there are parts of your brain that never regenerate or cycle away. And I found that really really comforting. Like there are cells in your brain that knew Aaron and will always know aaron and won’t ever not have been in you when Aaron was alive and I like that. It feels so real that no matter how much of our lives and bodies change, there are cells that never forget.

And I’ve kept that screenshot near me for almost three years. Thank you to Natalia for being the kind of friend who would look into that and then write something that beautiful. Thank you to those brain cells for hanging on, I love you.

And if you have felt that terror of forgetting, of losing, of time pushing you forward and away from who you lost, who you were, what you had. Remember: there are cells that never forget.

If you’re a scientist and this isn’t correct DO NOT CORRECT ME ALLOW ME TO LIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL DELUSION DO NOT HINDER ME WITH FACTS!

I’m Nora McInerny, and this is it’s going to be okay. NOT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY! That’s not true! But something is, and we’re here monday-friday trying to find it.

We have a phone number and email in our show description so you can share your okay things. Remember than airpods are the worst and don’t call us in your airpods or from your car bluetooth! We love you!

This is an independent podcast. We appreciate you keeping us going.

This episode was produced by Claire McInerny and mixed by Amanda Romani. The rest of our team here at feelings & co is marcel malekebu and grace barry. Our theme music is by Secret Audio

We have a link to that episode I mentioned in the show description. It’s called, poetically, Dead People’s Things.