270. If Mothers Day Is Hard For You

Anaya Lee wasn’t able to have children, which can make Mother’s Day a tough holiday. This year, she shares some of the ways she’s been able to find joy on this challenging day.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

It’s a beautiful day, Mother’s Day. There are cards, flowers, gifts, trips to brunch, and tons of social media posts sharing how the day was celebrated. It’s a special day to be a mom and to have a mom. You can’t escape it, there are reminders everywhere: grocery stores, card stores, and especially restaurants. 

But what if it’s not a beautiful day for you? What if you don’t fit into any of those boxes? What if you tried to be a mom for years, but you experienced multiple losses and are now living your childfree life? What if you have a complicated relationship with your own mom and this day doesn’t look or feel like anyone else’s? 

I have found myself in this boat for the last several years. At first it was unbearable. I would close the blinds, turn off my phone, and wish for Monday to come as soon as possible. These were dark times at first. Grief can be especially overwhelming when it comes from multiple places and hits on special days. I allowed myself to isolate and disconnect from things and people that would be too painful to handle on Mother’s Day. Some people got it, and some didn’t. And that’s ok. 

Then a few Mother’s Days went by, and I started to notice something. The pain was still there, the grief was still there, the feeling of missing out was really there. But there were some things that were no longer there, and those were the feelings of helplessness and anxiety surrounding the day. I noticed with each passing year, I started to focus more on myself than the day. I know it’s coming every year, and a few days before I practice some self-talk: “What do you need to do on that day? Where do you want to be? How will you make it through?” And then I make a plan. 

Maybe it’s enjoying a glass of wine together, or on a long car ride out of town, but my incredibly supportive husband and I have the talk. We acknowledge the day is coming, and he asks me ever so gently what I’d like to do. Sometimes it’s a weekend trip out of town. Sometimes it’s wine tasting at our favorite wineries. Sometimes it’s a cozy movie day on the couch with all my favorite snacks. If the weather is nice, sometimes we plan a long bike ride or a day by the pool complete with the best jams, of course.

Whatever we do, it is my choice. And that’s the best part. I feel like I have control over the day and not vice versa. I still stay off social media, but I accept the sweet and gentle texts my friends send. I even send some of my own. It has given me the freedom to make the day special in my own way. And even if a few tears are shed, and I’m sure there will be some forever, I know it’s going to be ok. 

-Anaya Lee