195. Kimberlee’s Calm Down

This Okay listener has some creative ways of keeping herself entertained when she has trouble falling asleep. Enter, tuxedo man.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

INTRO MUSIC

A lot of anxious people have a hard time falling asleep. I say that as an anxious person who has always had a hard time falling asleep.  Some of my clearest memories from childhood are just me staring at the ceiling, the house feeling so quiet that I felt like I could hear the clock that hung in our kitchen ticking.

And I probably could, the house was pretty small.  When you can’t fall asleep,  it tends to make you anxious that you can’t fall asleep, which makes it harder to fall asleep. Because now you’re thinking about how tired you’re going to be tomorrow, and why can’t you sleep, and what are all these different thoughts, and how can you make them stop?

Why, if you want to sleep so badly,  can’t you?  And I really don’t have any answers. But I do have this email from a listener named Kimberlee. 

Okay Listener: I have always had trouble sleeping.  I’m scared of the dark, scared of the crazy dreams my mind can come up with, scared of the things I saw on the news as a kid.  When I was in grade school, I used to have full blown meltdowns on Sunday nights, both because I was afraid to go to sleep and because I was nervous I’d forgotten to do a homework assignment and was going to fail the fourth grade. 

To this day, I still have nights when I can’t get my mind to calm down.  When I close my eyes and picture all of the worst things that could possibly happen to me, my family, and my friends while I’m asleep.  My brain plucks random scenes from horror movies I’ve watched in the past, and details from true crime podcasts I had to stop listening to. 

Getting creative and being mean, keeping me awake.  On nights like these, I still try to use the strategy my parents gave me when I was little. To think of something happy, something that makes me feel safe.  The thing in question has changed over the years.  Sometimes it’s a happy memory, sometimes it’s a future memory like a vacation, a concert, or just the opportunity to see my best friend in a few weeks that I’m looking forward to. 

Sometimes it’s a story I make up on the spot. Rearranging the world in a way that is fun and colorful and involves me having a hot husband.  But there’s always one constant.  One thing that the opposite side of my brain, the one trying to help me fall asleep, will pull out of the deck of calm down cards. 

When I was little and growing up in church, I was told over and over that God was up there above the sky somewhere watching over me and keeping me safe.  And what I pictured, every time they said that,  was a kind, cartoon man, floating in the sky like the inflatables in front of a used car lot.  He stretched up into the sky above my church, and above the Taco Bell next door, where my mom often took us to get soft tacos and cinnamon twists after service. 

With his arms open  and his smile wide, wearing a tuxedo,  yes, a tuxedo.  The god I picture in my head, The being I imagine watching over me and my family and the universe during the day but especially at night,  is a cartoon man.  wearing a tuxedo.  And while it is more funny than assuredly comforting now that I’m 32 years old, picturing it still helps me relax. 

It helps me feel safe.  It interrupts the thoughts that are determined to make me get up and check that the door is locked for the 10th time or that the creek I just heard was a murderer in the closet rather than my upstairs neighbor checking on their baby.  It also reminds me how good the cinnamon twists are from Taco Bell. 

So, I tell myself that if I can just calm down and fall asleep,  tomorrow the sun will come up and I can hit the drive thru.  And maybe I’ll wave to the man in the tuxedo. 

Man, oh man.  God, if you’re out there, I hope you’re wearing a tuxedo.  And I hope you’re smiling down on all of us today while we hit up the Taco Bell drive thru.  Because right now, all I want is a Fountain Mountain Dew from Taco Bell. I allow myself that treat. in only three life situations. And one is Taco Bell along with the Nachos Bel Grande.

This podcast is not in any way associated with Taco Bell, but I am personally just a fan.  It’s going to be okay is this podcast. And my name is Nora McInerny. 

OUTRO MUSIC

CREDITS