176. Things Fall Apart

Nora reads from one of her favorite spiritual books, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times.

“It’s Going To Be OK” is a daily podcast from Feelings and Co. Each morning, we bring you a short story, essay, or interview about one thing that makes us (or our guests) feel like it might not all be so bad – even if some things are. Share your OK thing at 612.568.4441 or by emailing [email protected].

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

 Nora: I’m Nora McInerny, and this is It’s Going to be Okay. This podcast is a little bit of a group project. We know, we know that not everything is going to be okay. We know that right now there are a lot of things that are not okay and never will be. Which is why we’re here, Monday through Friday, bringing you one small okay thing to help you start or end your day with the opposite of a doom scroll. 

And today I’m sharing something that I’ve read over and over and over again a million times and I’m going to read it to you too.  It’s some writing by Pema Chodron. She is,  I mean, I don’t know, how would you describe her? She’s an American Buddhist nun.  But you know, she’s not a dink about being enlightened.

What I like about her writing is that you can tell that  she, like so many of us, has often been petty.  Just, I don’t, just a human person. Just a human person who happens to be working really hard at being. And so I’m reading a few excerpts from her book, When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times. And these are passages that, here’s some paper sounds,  these are things that I’ve read and re read to myself and to people I love, and I’m reading them to you too. 

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem. But the truth is that things don’t really get solved.  They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again.  It’s just like that.

The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen.  Room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. 

Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all.  We try to do what we think is going to help, but we don’t know. We never know if we’re going to fall flat or sit up tall.  When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story.  It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. 

Life is like that.  We don’t know anything.  We call something bad, we call it good, but really, we just don’t know. 

The only time we ever know what’s really going on is when the rug’s been pulled out, and we can’t find anywhere to land.  We use these situations either to wake ourselves up, 

Right now in the very instant of groundlessness is the seed of taking care of those who need our care and of discovering our goodness. 

I remember so vividly a day in early spring when my whole reality gave out on me.  Although it was before I had heard any Buddhist teachings, it was what some would call a genuine spiritual experience.  It happened when my husband told me he was having an affair.  We lived in northern New Mexico. I was standing in front of our adobe house drinking a cup of tea.

I heard the car drive up and the door bang shut. Then he walked around the corner and without warning he told me he was having an affair and he wanted a divorce.  I remember the sky and how huge it was.  I remember the sound of the river and the steam rising up from my tea.  There was no time, no thought, there was nothing.

Just the light and a profound, limitless stillness.  Then I regrouped and picked up a stone and threw it at him. 

Oh, see, that’s why I love her. 

Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition. If we could only realize it.  Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about.  The off center, in between state is an ideal situation.  A situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. 

It is a very tender, non aggressive, open ended state of affairs.  To stay with that shakiness. To stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge,  that’s the path of true awakening.  Sticking with that uncertainty,  sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic,  this is the spiritual path. 

All over the world, everybody always strikes out at the enemy, and the pain escalates forever.  Every day, we could reflect on this and ask ourselves, Am I going to add to the aggression in the world?  Every day, at the moment when things get edgy, we can just ask ourselves,  Am I going to practice peace? Or am I going to war? 

I’m not going to read the whole book to you guys. That’s not what this podcast is, but  I read those pages often, often enough that they were already bookmarked when I picked up this book. I hope that they brought you a little bit of comfort, especially if you are in that shakiness, if the rug has been pulled out, if you yourself would like to throw a stone at somebody.

Don’t do it! Or… I think what Pam and Children is saying, do it and learn from it. I don’t know. I’ve read a lot of her books and it turns out I haven’t learned a lot.  But I’m open to learning it.  The full book is called When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I’m Nora McInerny. It is going to be okay.

That it is going to change every day. It’s going to be different for all of us every day, and we do love to hear your okay things as well. You can email us igtbo at feelingsand.  co You could call us 612 568 4441. This is an independent podcast, so thank you for being here. Thank you for telling people about it, for rating and reviewing it.

We are an independent podcast company called Feelings Co. where we are just bringing you feelings every single day, all kinds of feelings. This episode was produced by Claire McInerny and mixed by Amanda Romani.  Our team here at Feelings Co. is me, Marcel Malekebu, Claire McInerny, Megan Palmer, Michelle Plantan, and Grace Berry.

Our theme music is by Secret Audio.