161. Another Pep Talk

A pep talk for when you’re struggling with imposter syndrome. 

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

One Saturday night, when I was checking my email like any person with good work boundaries, I got this message from Victoria:

Hi, Nora. I have been reading/listening to your work for about five years now, shortly after my boyfriend died by suicide. I am writing you today as mostly a way to get my thoughts out, but if you happen to see this, I could use a little Nora pep talk. 

On Monday afternoon, I will defend my dissertation for my Ph.D. The final hurdle. Imposter syndrome is hitting me hard. I am not smart enough for a Ph.D….those degrees are reserved for really smart people, and I am just sort of moderately smart. Like mid-level smart. Definitely not Ph.D. smart. So, my committee will see this on Monday and say, “nah, you aren’t smart enough to pass”. 

In the years after the sudden and traumatic loss of my partner, my dad’s Parkinson’s and dementia progressed significantly. Now, I share caregiving responsibilities with my mom and sister so we can keep him at home as long as possible. It is hard. Like, brutal sometimes. So, there is also a part of me saying…why would anything really great happen to me? Why would something exciting happen to me? That’s not what my life is…my life is dead boyfriends and dads who don’t remember my name. I am not going to pass this defense, what am I thinking?!

Anyway, that is my thought spiral right now as Monday approaches. I have your “good, better, best” sticker at my desk for me to see as I prepare. It is so helpful. 

Although I feel terrible (thanks for asking) right now, I also know it will be okay. I mean, I have survived much harder things in my life. 

Maybe I just gave myself the Nora pep talk I needed?

Victoria

I, frankly, don’t reply to every email. I WANT TO. I INTEND TO. But I don’t. But I responded to this one on my broken phone screen, typing away urgently this message. Which I am sharing with you WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE DEFENDING A DISSERTATION because it could apply to many things in life!

Victoria,

If I EVER HEAR YOU THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF AGAIN I WILL SUE YOU FOR DEFAMATION OF YOURSELF. Has this been done before? No. But trust me: I’ll throw the book at you. Habeas Corpus! All of it!

The fact that you got TO THIS POINT! DEFENDING A DISSERTATION! With a deteriorating dad and a dead partner??? With grief latched to your leg like a manacle! It’s astounding.

Nobody in that room got where they are by your path. And maybe theirs was rocky, but you’ve climbed over boulders to get there.

It’s hard not to be nervous when you have to literally “defend” your work. How would you not feel scared and small and defensive??

And so i offer you this thought: everyone in that room was somebody’s baby, small and helpless. Everyone in that room has felt sad and small. Everyone in that room has had diarrhea, has thrown up and cried about it! Is just a little pile of cells! Will one day die! 

We are all just little blips!!

It’s the kind of pep talk I have had to give myself, and that I wish I had: because it’s VERY SCARY for most people to have to submit themselves for the judgment of others, and often that judgment is silly and subjective and even the suspense around it is all manufactured to make things appear more important than they really are. And I say that not to minimize anyone’s hard work or passion or dedication but you know, just to remind us all that in the big picture, we’re all just a bunch of cells who have once had diarrhea. 

PS – Victoria passed. It’s DOCTOR Victoria now.

CREDITS