135. The Relief of Knowing

Anxiety around *potential* bad news can often feel worse than the news itself. Today, we hear from a listener about a dreaded appointment that turned out to not be as bad as she thought it would be.

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Nora:  I’m Nora McInerny and it’s going to be okay. And this podcast is a group project where every day we find an okay thing and bring it to you, or you bring it to us. You email us. You send us voice memos, you call us and all the information to do that is in our show description. If you’re new here. 

So. Today’s episode, Is from a listener named Erin who somehow wrote us this email, while she was in the first week of being home alone with a six week old and a three-year-old. Her husband had just gone back to work. If you have had little kids, you can imagine the kind of week that Erin was having in this email. You will need to have your ticket handy because we are stepping aboard the emotional roller coaster. Choo choo.

Rollercoasters don’t make that sound. That’s a train sound, Nora. 

Email sound effect

My anticipation and dread for this week has been impending for over nine months. This was the first week after my husband’s paternity leave ended. Thankfully, he was issued six weeks with the company he works for, which is both amazing. And sad that we say it’s amazing for a father to receive six weeks. Agree. This was the first week I would be doing double duty with my three-year-old and six week old. Knowing several single mothers with two or more kids who managed to figure it out. Well, I’m freaking out about four. Well, I’m freaking out for about eight hours, felt foolish and embarrassing. 

Dude. I mean, yeah. You know, I understand that. And also it doesn’t make it any easier for you. I think it can just be hard for everyone. But that’s another episode. My daughter just turned three in July. We were not sure how she would react to being a big being. We were not sure how she would react to being a big sister as she is. Non-verbal. Her different level of communication makes for some challenging days when she is just one-on-one. I had no idea how I was going to tend to her. And a newborn. She’s not potty trained yet and can barely eat solids. She gets the majority of her nutrition and caloric intake. From a nutritional shake in a bottle. The prospect of managing both children felt overwhelming. My therapist reminded me to lower my threshold. It didn’t have to be perfect. Both kids just have to be safe and loved. Discomfort. I hate discomfort. On top of that anxiety. We finally, we’re going to have my daughter officially assessed for autism. We’ve suspected she’s on the spectrum for about a year now, but with limited places that can provide assessments, it was a relief to have the appointment scheduled. Today we had that much anticipated assessment. During the assessment, my daughter, who has never been eager to do pretend play. Took a doll and started patting it on the back. Presumably burping the doll. Like I burp her brother. She was very pleasant during the hour and a half session. Most visits and assessments in the past have been a display of milestones that she was unable to do. And meltdowns with many tiers. But today was pleasant. After the session we received the official autism diagnosis. I’ve been assuming this diagnosis for months. After many other assessments from the school and other early intervention programs. I had already professed my grief about the diagnosis. But today. I felt relieved to finally know. When I got home, I went back to managing both kids. There was a quiet moment, surprising and rare. Where my newborn was sitting with me and my daughter sat reading to herself. All my anticipation and dread for an official diagnosis. And solo stay at home. Parenting was unwarranted as most of my anxious thoughts are. And it was at this quiet moment. I knew that though it will at times be messy. And uncomfortable. We are going to be okay. We are safe. We are together. And we are loved. 

We are safe. We are together. And we are loved if there is a more perfect sentence out there. I’m ready to hear it. Cause that one is taken the cake for me right now. It’s going to be okay. Is, this is what it’s going to be. Okay. Is all about. Not that everything’s going to be okay. Not that everything’s going to be great. Not that everything’s going to be wonderful, but that even in the midst of uncertainty, An unknowing and chaos and overwhelm and anxiety. And, and, and we will find an okay thing. Or it will find us. It’s going to be okay. Is not just a group project. It is an independent podcast. So you being here sharing it, rating, reviewing it, all these things help us so much. We are a production of feelings and co. Where you can find all kinds of feelings, including dread anticipation and relief. The relief of knowing. Our team is marcel Malekebu,  Jordan Turgeon, Michelle Plantan, Claire McInerny, Megan Palmer and myself and our theme music is by secret audio