108. A Night at the Symphony

It’s National Suicide Prevention Month, and this episode contains mention of suicide and suicidal ideation. An Okay listener shares how classical symphonies have helped her get through many unbearable days. 

If you or someone you know if considering suicide, the National Suicide Crisis Line is always always available at 988.

Find a warmline to speak with someone in your state about suicide free and confidentially, whether or not you’re in crisis. 

Call BlackLine to get help that prioritizes BIPOC in moments of crisis and mistreatment.

Call the Trans Lifeline to get support from trans peers. 

Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

 INTRO MUSIC

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and this episode is about suicide and suicidal ideation.

I’m Nora McInerny, and it’s going to be okay. And if you are a person who’s a little shy, you can always write out your okay thing and email it to us so we can read it out loud for you. Like this email from Hailey.

I am a classical musician and a longtime listener of classical music.

I attend my local symphony at least once a month and receive emails about upcoming programs. I’ve been slowly chipping away at a musicology and performance degree, but the pandemic caused me to withdraw from school for quite some time,

feeling the weight of everything on my shoulders, and suffering from severe clinical depression. Even from before the pandemic, my mind wandered into immensely dark places.  The symphony reopened in 2022 and was nearing the end of that year’s season. I hadn’t attended an in-person program since January, 2020.

I felt isolated and desperate. There was one program on that season. I was longing to see Dvorak’s Ninth Symphony from the New World. I’d never seen it live before, and it had been on my bucket list for years. I latched onto that piece and made a suicide plan. From there, I was going to see that symphony and then I’m not sure, but my plan was to not return home.

Somehow that day came, instead of leaving the house to execute my plan, I ended up being violently sick with a high fever. Turns out I had Covid and had no choice but to sleep away that whole weekend and miss seeing Dvorak’s Ninth Symphony altogether. I recovered a few days later, but still felt very mentally unwell.

Through intensive therapy and medication, I started to recover. Then I got an email from the local Symphony Hall announcing the 2023-24 season. I was ecstatic. One piece stood out to me in particular, a piece I’ve loved for years and have been yearning to see even more than Dvorak, Maurice Ravel’s Daphnis et Chloe.

My heart sword, and as selfish as it may seem, I told myself, if you can’t find any other reason to stay, you must stay to hear this. 

So on my bad days, I pulled up recordings of Daphnis et Chloe to listen to you over and over again. Counting down the days to where I could finally see it live in March of 2023. I went to the symphony in person for the first time since January of 2020. I saw it live. I felt absolutely euphoric and jubilant.

I cried. I shivered and stared head on at the conductor and melted into a puddle of hope and triumph and beauty over my favorite piece of music in existence. I still have the ticket stub saved to where I can look at it and prove to myself that I didn’t dream seeing that epic performance. I chose to stay.

I still choose to stay for the love I have for my music, for those closest to me and for the little things like greasy pizza, iced coffee, flowers, and sunrises. Classical music has become a pivotal part in shaping who I am as a person. There are pieces and composers out there that help to describe and validate every single facet of our humanity.

For the composer, I feel who truly understands me and has carried me through my darkest times is Maurice Ravel. Please hear Daphnis et Chloe in full. It is epic and wonderful shimmering with lush orchestral brilliance. The chorus adds another layer of awe and really brings the humanity to the piece, if you will.

I now have a freelance job in my field where I get to showcase Daphnis et Chloe and how the story comes to life along with what it means to me. Life is so hard. Find anything you love and hold it close. Whether it is a person, your favorite book, a tv show, a song, cozy blankets, your pet, your favorite hobby. Cherish it and lose yourself in it. Find what you love in this world. And use it to help propel you through the dark. 

OUTRO MUSIC

I’m Nora McInerny and it’s going to be okay.

If you are struggling with suicidal ideation, please reach out. You can call 988 if you are in the us.

We hope that you find something that you love and they use it to help propel you through the dark. Thank you so much to Hailey for reaching out and sharing this beautiful story and this beautiful music with all of us. The IT in it’s going to be okay is different every day, and it’s different for all of us.

We’d love to hear yours. You can email us like Haley did, I G T B [email protected]. You can record a voice memo and attach it to that email. You can call us (612) 568-4441.

CREDITS